May 23 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Man in a Can

I was in my second week of college when my mom called me to tell me about her dream: “Yassi joon, I had a dream about your wedding! I think you should wear a strapless dress and put your hair up. You look so nice with your hair up.”

 …what?

Mom, I’m 18. It hasn’t even been a month since I started college!

If you are a girl in the Persian community, you know that talks of marriage start as soon as you hit puberty.

 I mean, your family starts saving for your jahize as soon as you are born.

dowry So, color me surprised, when a few months ago while I was visiting home my mom declared: “I don’t think I will care if you decide not to get married. Marriage has become meaningless and messy now a days.”

Was she drunk? Did I just hear that? Is this real life?

Definitely, she was definitely serious.  My next thought was: WTF? Did my mother, who had for years talked about the details of my wedding, suddenly have a change of mind?

After three ugly divorces in our family, seeing families ripped apart, my mom has turned weary and pessimistic about modern-day marriages. And I don’t blame her.

Seeing that divorce rates are over 50% in the US, and rising in Iran – and the stories of cheating, abuse, and strange demands, marriage doesn’t sound like the greatest decision.

wed A former boss, who is going through a bad divorce, told me that the only reason you would want a husband is to have kids, and now they have sperm donors, “man in a can” so there really isn’t a need for marriage anymore.

But I don’t want to be that pessimistic.

I want to have a marriage and family, but I’m also not willing to sacrifice my mental health and ambitions.

I’m not willing to be in a relationship where I’m the one that sacrifices all of the time, where a man wants me to be subservient (where I’m expected to be).

I don’t think this comes from rejecting people and relationships. Maybe it comes from demanding this type of treatment from men. Partnerships have never been easy or fair…

isn’t it time we strive for that and demand it? Instead of dismiss our needs as impossible things to ask for?

needs Is it too much to ask for a mutual partnership? Isn’t that what we want? We don’t want someone to walk all over us, and we don’t want to be able to walk all over someone else.

Is it too much to ask for someone who is willing to treat me as an equal? After all, hamsar (spouse in Farsi) could literally be translated as equal heads.

Is it too much to ask to be an equal head?

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

TWEET US: @SEX_FESSENJOON

FACEBOOK US

Love,

YASSI  یاسی
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May 21 2013
2 Comments
Arab Money, Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon

Check, Please!

The other day I was sitting with a friend of mine who was telling me about a date she’d just been on. I asked her if the guy paid, and she said “oh no, OF COURSE. If he hadn’t, it would’ve been over for sure!”

Later I went back and thought about that: both about me asking that question, and about her clear reply.

I’d asked the question when we were discussing whether he was worth going on another date with. Both my question and her reply show how important a guy paying on a first date was to both of us. But how feminist is that?

In the world we live in today, we want full feminism but a lot of us also seem to still want men to be ‘gentlemen’.

 league

We want them to pay when we go out, to take care of us, to open doors, to be on top of things. So there’s always this contradiction.

We want women to be equal to men, but we still want men to do things that are now seen as patriarchal.   Continue reading →

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May 19 2013
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My Hips Don’t Lie

Joons – we got a sexy Latina on the blog. That’s right – introducing Patricia – a radio host, feminist, and civil engineer – Patricia is beauty, brains, and wit wrapped into one. We love her because she refuses to apologize (you’ve been warned).

We Latinas are sexy and curvaceous and all around pretty damn hot…or so people say. On American TV shows we always have a hot body and a cute accent, and on Latino TV shows we lose the accent, but we still keep the hot bodies.

I know for a fact that I do not fit that mold. Yes, maybe I have larger hips and a bigger bootie than most of my White friends, but even these thighs weren’t enough to compete with the voluptuous Sofia Vergara’s, Salma Hayek’s, and Shakira’s of the world; mainly because having a big bootie comes with having a lot of everything else — I’m talking to you, darn tummy.

I have a love/hate relationship with my body.

As a little girl I was extremely thin which resulted in my relatives admonishing my parents for not feeding me enough. Little plump kids are a good thing in my culture, but I was happy to look like the thin girls I saw on TV. That was until I turned 12 and developed breasts and hips much too large for a tween. Then my relatives complained that I was getting too big, and I suddenly felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere.

Throughout the years I have gained and lost so much weight, yet I haven’t been able to look like any of the women that the media tells me I’m supposed to look like.

This struggle isn’t particularly unique for Latinas, but as women of color we need to reconcile two completely different ideals. Our definition of beauty, womanhood, and positive body image is largely defined by our cultures and ethnic backgrounds. But most of us came of age in the United States, and outside our homes beauty standards were very different. So how do we reconcile those two standards? Or better yet, why should we?

It gets tiring to hear criticism about your body and as much as we try to not let that hurt us, it’s really tough when it comes from our mom or our aunts. As a teenager I had no way of telling my relatives that their comments, as well-meaning as they meant them to be, were hurtful. As an adult, I still don’t really know how to handle body criticism.

It sucks to feel like you’ll never have the right amount of curves to look like Jennifer Lopez, but will always have too many curves to fit into our anglicized adopted country. And trust me, genetics gave me these hips, there is no amount of gym time that can fix the genetic impossibility of looking like Charlize Theron.

Curves are a part of the Latina physique (so take note Gap, because your jeans come in one-size-hips-only.) Continue reading →

May 16 2013
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Shitshows, What the F

Come At Me Bro

Hey Joons,

I’m a little sexed out – better known as not getting any. And while I would love to go on about my problems, I thought I’d dedicate tonight to a slightly more depressing cause. Plus, when I actually think about it, I realize that  99 percent of my anger comes from listening to people’s idiotic opinions/conclusions/etc.

(here’s looking at you, Congress). 

Let me take it back a step. The world’s perception of Iran has changed dramatically over the last few years. Sure, the Hostage Crisis didn’t help in the late 70′s/early 80′s, but for the most part – Iran’s “scary factor” was overshadowed by the gossip of “weapons of mass destruction” in countries like Iraq – and once that was discovered to be untrue (and Saddam Hussein was done with), we focused on Afghanistan, and specifically, Bin Laden.

After we killed the bad guys and started moving toward the “reconstruction period” in those countries, our attention became fixated on Iran - thanks to Ahmadinejad, it wasn’t hard for people around the world to stop and think, “Oh he’s batshit… and he runs a country?!” 

HMIf we were to just take Ahmadinejad at face value, is the “threat” that Iran poses void? No, because we have the supreme pleasure to be in the presence of the puppet master, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei.

Also known as the scary ass man with a turban who preaches about the evils of America and is constantly shown cultivating his relationship with Hezbollah.

Personally, I think we’re more afraid of the turbans than of their power.

As Ann Coulter says, people should be imprisoned just for wearing a “hee-jab” in America because they’re assimilating Americans into their culture and pretty soon – we’ll all have undergone clitorectomies. (watch at 2 minutes and 35 seconds – she’s cray). Gosh, we really need “better immigrants” huh.

I digress. Back to the scary turban’ed men – the idea of them gaining nuclear power is horrifying and I can understand why – we don’t know these people here in America, we don’t know what their intentions are, we don’t know if they actually hate us – so we do the only thing that has proven to be effective in the past (please note my intense sarcasm):

We isolate. We sanction. We make life as difficult as humanly possible for the elite regime of Iran so that they will be forced into giving up any and all power – including nuclear power.

It’s almost like high school – we isolate the weird kid in class, we ignore him, we tease him, we make life as difficult as we can (for high school). And then one day, he ends up bringing a gun to school. Continue reading →

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May 15 2013
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Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, Shut the Front Door, What your momma didn't tell you

Freedom of Date

My mum - who unlike many Egyptian mothers does not care that I’m 22 and single –  recently asked me if I would like to “meet” the son of one of her friends.

Apparently, the guy’s parents were on the hunt for a wife. My answer was a scowl the size of Africa and I was surprised that the woman who raised me to be a no-bullshit, independent woman would make such an offer.

“Yasmine, I didn’t say marry him or even date him, I said meet him”, she said in exasperation.

“Yes mum, but why on earth would a 25-year-old man get his parents to find him a wife? Something must be seriously wrong with his social life.”

She dropped the conversation. Hmm, I thought to myself, did this guy actually ask his parents for this, or are they volunteering to put an end to his bachelorhood?

fail

Growing up, I was always surrounded by negative attitudes on being set up on dates by your folks.

My parents for one, never sought that path because they believed in their children’s’ independent ability to find what is right for them in life. And yet that afternoon when my mum made her unusual offer, she prompted me to ask several questions.

First of all, why do many of us have such a negative attitude towards meeting guys through our folks? Continue reading →

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May 14 2013
5 Comments
Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

I Am Dashing Like Storm

Our guest blogger tonight is, Ayesha – a Pakistani woman – who not only has a lot of opinions, but she’s not afraid to share them. Get ready for a (necessary) reality check. Enjoy!

Hey joons,

As of recently, my mother has gone on a “shadi brigade” [wedding bandwagon]. She is worried that her eldest daughter is beyond her age of getting married.

Basically I am dinosaur old in Pakistani years, but biologically I am just 25.

My mother thinks that after “letting” me having my own way in life [me running away from home and doing my own thing wasn't my own choice apparently, in her opinion], she wants to impose the regular brown life on me. According to her, its about time I followed the natural course of action aka get hitched to some brown dude and reproduce his spawn. [ew ew ew]

wedding

Though I have tried endlessly to explain to her that I am not really a typical kid and the whole idea is nothing but disastrous. It just seems all of my reasoning falls on deaf ears.

Here is why I am an unfit bride:

1. I do not want kids:

My youngest sister was 5yrs old when I was 19. I have been a second mom to my siblings and there is no way I am doing this all over again. I am done with parenting and baby drama and I honestly, don’t want to be a human incubator.

2. I cant be a housewife:

I live on my own, I work, I volunteer in the community, I do my own shit.

Pak/brown dudes are like man-childs because their mamas would act as housemaids for their grown ass – even when they turn 60. Women are considered to be born for “certain” roles, so if you don’t follow that “role” you are doomed. Continue reading →

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May 13 2013
7 Comments
Douche of the Week, Joon, Shut the Front Door, What the F

There’s a Person Under This Beard

So I have a beard. No, I had a beard. Let me explain. I play around with my facial hair. It’s a way for me to change it up and have a good time. Girls do things with their hair. I recently heard the term “side bangs”. Me, I like to change it up on my face from time to time.

Will I enjoy sporting my moustache in different manners, I decided to grow my beard back out. Being as I am a Persian man, and I have more hair on my buttocks than most people on their head, before the week’s end I was looking like the Oxi clean guy.

oxi That’s when the recurring issue happened every time I grow my beard.

“You look like a terrorist.” In a span of about 21 days, I heard dozens of alterations of that sentence.

“You look dangerous,” 

“You look scary,”

“You look like you’re going to blow something up.”

I tell you it is non-conditional.

My friend, who happens to be sefeed (Trans: vaait. Trans: white) also has a pretty thick set beard. What comments does he get?

“Sick beard bro!” “You look like a lumberjack!” “What a hipster beard”.

I asked him what’s the worst thing someone told you. He said someone told him he looked like a “bum.” Continue reading →

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May 12 2013
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

My Personal Comedian

JOONS:

Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful and amazing mothers out there. We wouldn’t be here without you… literally.

resp

As an ode to Iranian mothers - I thought there is no better way to celebrate today than to tell you all a little about my mother. No horror stories… well depends on how you look at it.

My mom has always been dependent but that doesn’t mean she can’t stand up for herself. I remember YEARS ago (like 17… she was pregnant with my brother), we all went to France for my dad’s engineering conference. I was eight years old and we had been warned that “gypsies” pick pocket. We were crossing the street to go to some museum (memory is hazy on the exact place…) – when all of a sudden, a group of about eight women came at us.

My poor visor-wearing, knee high sock and sandal fashionisto dad froze and just put his hand on his back pocket to guard his wallet as one of the ladies attempted to yank the big ass video camera hanging from his shoulder. My mom tightens her grip on my hand, walks up to the lady, and slaps her across the face. Needless to say, they scattered pretty quickly after that.

bitch

My mom needs someone to take care of her, but when it comes to putting bitches in their place – she has no problem. Continue reading →

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May 08 2013
3 Comments
Joon, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Newton’s Third Law of Motion

Hola,

After reading Holly’s last post “Do I have it all?“  I was really inspired to self-reflect on my own view of marriage, relationships, and career aspirations. Exactly one year ago, I would have read that post–with my very favorite Lady Gaga quote — and I would’ve been raising my hand, sayin’ “Preach girl!“. Dreams over D’s anyday.  Now, I’m not so sure I’m a believer.

After watching a lot of The Big Bang Theory, I think I’ve found a scientific way to express myself (Note: I almost failed Physics in high schoo) Remember Newton’s Laws of Motion?  I only remember one.

“For Every Action There is an Equal and Opposite Reaction”

And while this is true with everything that feels the pull of gravity, it is actually completely false in the world of relationships.  Part of that is obvious– if you love your man, chances are he doesn’t hate you back.

But the point is, you can love someone, and they may not love you back equally. They may not love you at all.

See how that violates physics? It is counter-intuitive, and completely out of our control. It is as if you pushed a door in, but the door pushed back with double the force– or with none at all (in both cases, you would be injured). I wish my boyfriend would like me as much as I like him, but chances are the perfect state of equilibrium… does not exist. And that is scary, and it makes both people vulnerable. 

I think women fear the inequality that’s inevitable with emotional reciprocity.

Its a mouthful, and it may not even make sense but let me break it down:

I don’t think women fear waking up to a man that doesn’t love them anymore. They fear waking up to a partner that does not feel the same way. And the knowledge that they can’t do anything about it.

A pink slip at work will never feel like the moment someone says, “I’m not in love with you”, and since that is true, a professional goal can never heal a personal injury.  Continue reading →

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May 07 2013
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Joon, What the F

I Care Less About Beauty, I Just Want Pizza

Hey joons,

It’s been awhile – but I hope you’ve all had a chance to enjoy our wonderful new writers. They’re amaze-balls (I learned that word from Saaghi) and their posts rock so make sure you check it out. :)

Moving on …

I have a bone to pick with my fellow female joons – while I’m sure many men have similar qualities, I’m taking a little break from men right now (or rather, they’re taking a break from me…).

Women are continuously referred to as bossy and more emotional – we’re constantly fighting against the stereotype that our actions are somehow “weaker” than men’s.

Yet despite these fight backs, there are so many times that we embody the exact version of ourselves that we claim not to be.

pradaLet me give you a few examples:

1. The Damsel in Distress:

These dames aren’t just asking for help – they’re whining for it: “I don’t get it. Can you just do it for meeee?”

“Omggg I can’t figure out what’s wrong with the printer… Help meeee.“

I’ll be honest – I’m guilty of asking for help with the printer. Why can’t it just work all the time?

But personally, I think damsels are just lazy people. Are you really telling me that you can’t read an instruction manual? Continue reading →

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