November | 2011 | sexandfessenjoon

Nov 14 2011

Sorry Guys, Bragging Rights LOST

HII. We took the long weekend very seriously, which meant we were MIA, which means we were out having a life (somewhat) and not posting— how do you think we get material for this blog?

Anyways, we’re back. and we have bad news.

Remember all those times you tried to convince your white friends you were not BROWN? or ARAB?

I believe, it went something like

“Oh, you’re I-RANian? Is that like Indian? Or Iraqi or some sh!T?”

“No, ACTUALLY, Iranians are ARYAN–you know, like WHITE people?”

This used to be the way you disarmed suspicious, white people.

(P.S. if you didn’t do this, there are two reasons- 1 you were lucky enough to grow up where I-RANians were a majority, or 2 you grew up where Brown people/Arabs were a majority)

According to BBC Persian, there’s been some research done by scientists (specifically Dr. Maziar Ashrafian) at Cambridge & University of Portsmouth that most Iranians are NOT Aryan, but can trace their race back to Ancient ELAM—

so basically, we’re Elamites.

I assure you, the ancient geography lesson was NECESSARY for some people.

Your favorite Elamites,

The S&F team

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Nov 10 2011

4 Comments

Joon, Weekend Winning

We’re Not ALL About Man-Hate

You know, most times that Middle Eastern girls start a blog it seems to come down to just complaining and bitching. NO. We refuse to be just that. S&F is not about crying over your exes and your daddy/mommy issues.

Sometimes its about respecting a great rack (Esp. when its natural),

and cheetah print.

Just to prove it’s not all bitterness and misandry here at s&F- our Lady Rosie:

despite the fact she's that white girl we love to hate, girl is hoTTT

LADIES, we hope this convinces you to wear animal print at SOME point over the long weekend. Nothing says “I’m fucking sexy and I own it” like leopard print ;) …oh and maybe financial independence.

And if you take our advice, be sure to tell us the results:

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

oh and boys–if you somehow rock the leopard/cheetah/zebra PLEASE send us a picture. (we know some metros really push the limits)

Here’s a Toast to a Great THURSDAY!

The S&F Team

Nov 09 2011

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Divooneh Bitches, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Torshideh, What the F

Has the Recession Copped Your Mating Rituals?

Here, at S&F, we’re all about variety ;), Life’s just better that way.
This is why we have guest bloggers that will bring you entertainment & education (Errr…), and we also get kinda sick of it being all about US. So here’s our first guest blog of the month:

Louboutins, jumbo Chanel bags, high priced taste… Are guys really into the high maintenance Persian girls….. Or are they looking for the girl that won’t make them pull a second mortgage 5 years into the marriage? These days I think men see a woman’s lavish taste as a turn off. Personally, if I had a dick I would have major anxiety/ STRESS trying to figure out how I can maintain a lifestyle for my Persian princess just like her daddy and mommy have.

FINANCIAL CRISIS: You shouldn’t scare a guy away with the ZEROES on the price tags in your closet.

For one thing, some girls think guys love the red soled shoes and $5,000.00 designer bags that they tote around cafes, parties, and of course places of religious worship (i hope the irony of this is not lost on all you)

you would never wear sign on your forehead that says “I REALLY WANT TO GET ENGAGED WITHIN THE YEAR” and in a recession, GUCCI GUCCI LOUIS LOUIS FENDI FENDI PRADA (basic bitches…) is that sign which says “You can never afford me, so fuck off! ”

This says: I AM NOT DATEABLE.

We tend to forget that guys **sometimes** and I emphasize the word sometimes, think with their brain, and when they make calculations of what your diva lifestyle actually cost, they realize your more of a liability then an asset. NOT GOOD.

Now I am not saying to dump all the lovely designer goods, but TONE IT DOWN SUGAR! You dnt need to deck out it designer everything, including your Hermes belt. We get it, you like expensive things, BUT you shouldn’t have your 26 year old boyfriend going bald (if he’s got the bad genes, he probably already is so don’t speed up the process) because hes freaking out over your next birthday gift. It would probably be a bigger turn ON if he knew you worked your ass off to buy it yourself, and your dad Faramarz wasn’t financing your SHOPPING EXCAPADES.

“But my mom makes me do this stuff:” (yes I’m so sure)

I know I know, your mom wants you to look like a 10 in front of future/potential mother-in-laws–the khastegars (suitors) But lets be real, I’m sure those future mother-in-laws are thinking about their son’s wallets too, and I’m sure as hell they don’t want you drying up his trust fund money.

Don’t send mixed messages. We shouldn’t give these guys any more excuses as to “why they don’t date Persian girls.” Just play it safe, spice it up with a little zara and H&M, I’m sure you’ll be just as dazzling!–and let’s be real, it’s all about what’s underneath ;).

With Love,
sIIR سیر

Nov 08 2011

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Fetish, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate

Black Guys Have Feelings Too

Hiiii joonies,

Before this relationship gets too deep, I think its fair we establish some common ground here– esp. when it comes to black guys.

FACTS

1- Persian/Irooni (whatever you wanna be called) girls have a BLACK GUY COMPLEX. If you see some girls walking around, using the term ‘siyah‘ (Persian term for African Americans), its often followed by ‘hot’ and ‘do me’ in the same sentence.

Fancy as we can get, we love a just-as-fancy thug? OKOKOK thug may be pushing it (NOT for some of us), but we like a little hood– a little drake & weezy–with a dash of kid cudi.

I really don’t know what it is, but these siyahs are like those snacks you sneak in when you’re on a “diet.” You pretend it never happened, you don’t want anyone to know about it, but its SO GOOOODDDDD!

personally, i think British black guys take the cake:

idris elba > james bond

Or maybe MJ (in his early days):

a guy good at what he does

2. No Irooni family outright approve of a siyah-Persian relationship. Farrah joon has elaborated on this very well (see: I’M IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPAAA) Even some of us younger people shoot judgmental looks at Persians who openly date out of the Iranian cesspool.

3. Black guys are big. Usually. SORRYBOUTIT BOYS, don’t give me that BS that Persian guys are JUST AS BIG—because even if you are, you have back hair.

& PERSIAN BOYS: (take notes) just like you date/screw blondes and Asians and Latinas left and right (yea, we know about it so admit it); we’re entitled to our fun. If you want to talk shit on our BLACK GUY COMPLEX, you’re just jealous, backwards, and small.

4. If you’re a virgin when it comes to dating black guys, the first time is…scary, a thrill, funny, weird, enough…i could go on, but you get it.

5. Unfortunately joons, the black boys don’t understand the PERSIAN GIRL PUZZLE. Why can’t they meet your parents? Why can’t they take you out to a Persian restaurant (Clearly don’t know how quick the Persian RUMOR MILL WORKS)? Why can’t they come to a mehmooni (family party)?

My first black boyfriend could not understand ANY of this (To be fair, he was also very arrogant and didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to brag about him to the WORLD)

But without a doubt, this sneaking/secret adventure behavior gave my black guy a complex too. He was now obsessed with measuring up to Middle Easterners (yeah he was going for the whole region–competitive, I know). He was constantly asking if this or that was as good as the Arab or Persian guys I’d dated.

And honestly, it was sad. I never really got the feeling when I was around him that I wasn’t good enough for him because I wasn’t a Beyonce or a Rihanna. But I guess, that’s the nature of the investment. Because I knew it was a dead end, I didn’t care enough to compare myself or get insecure. However for him, the investment was real, it wasn’t bullshit—so he did get insecure.

So, all in all, is this fair? I mean, are we essentially using these guys for a walk on the wild side until we feel like reforming our ways and settling down with the Persian ~~douchebag~~ prince?

For now, what I seem to have learned is, a good disclaimer the first week you’re dating. It goes something like: “At this time, I really don’t want to get serious with anyone…blablabla”

Any other suggestions? stories? HOT BLACK GUY PICTURES? please share: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Love Ya Like a Fat Kid Love Cake,

Saaghi ساقی

Nov 07 2011

3 Comments

NAStY HAAwT, Shut the Front Door, What the F

I’m Psycho and I Like It

We’ve all heard the stereotype: Persian girls are PSYCHO- jealous, clingy… blah blah blah… blah blah. Whenever a guy asks me “what” I am and I answer: “Iranian,” the typical response is either (a) “Ohhh I hear Persian girls are FREAKS,” or (b) “Ohhh, you must be the CRAZY POSSESSIVE jealous type.” Ummm nice meeting you too… (NOT).

And honestly, I really don’t know how we got this reputation… I can’t speak for ALL Persian girls (I know there are definitely some crazies out there, although, I could say this about ANYONE), but personally, I think I’m pretty damn chill “for a Persian girl.” HOWEVER, there are some things I will admit to:

1. YES, I will slap a bitch if my man is grinding up on her, flirting shamelessly, or if she is trying to get at my man (Dear Boyfriend: you would get slapped too).

2. Obviously, I would NOT be okay with you gchatting or texting constantly with the hot blonde across the room. No I don’t have a blonde complex, it is just NEVER okay no matter “how close of friends” you guys are.

3. Look I’m all about you having your guy’s night out and giving you alone time, God knows I need it too– but don’t ignore me, don’t bail on me last minute- be CONSIDERATE, not douchey. K? Thanks. And in return, I promise not to bombard your phone with calls/texts on a regular basis. Pretty good trade-off if you ask me…

And boys, before you call me psycho for having these preferences, consider this:

What if your woman did any of the things I just mentioned- texted another guy, constantly flirted, hit up the clubs with her ladies etc.?

I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t react as well as you claim. In fact, my reason for posting on this particular topic is to emphasize how crazy Persian boys are. Yeah that’s right… you guys have us BEAT by a looooong shot and I have two specific stories to prove it (I could name more than 2 instances, but for the sake of length I’m keeping it short):

Exhibit A:

My high school boyfriend was Iranian. Yes, there were a total of maybe four Iranian guys on our campus and I happened to date all of them (jk… kinda). Anyway, we dated for the majority of our high school careers and it was really great… minus the first five minutes of each time we hung out. Why? Because the second we would meet up, before we even greeted each other, he would say, “Ok hand over your phone,” and would proceed to look through all my text messages and outgoing/incoming calls. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And NO, I have never cheated on anyone… or given them reason not to trust me. Actually, I consider myself pretty damn loyal, but I guess that just isn’t enough for these damn, “psycho” Persian guys.

Exhibit B:

Fast forward two years: Once again I’m dating another Irooni boy (obviously I haven’t learned my lesson). One night, he decides its time for me to meet his friends for the first time. We all go out to eat and I’m trying to act like I’m the nicest, sweetest Persian girl they have ever met (lies I know). So of course, that means a lot of smiling, laughing, pretending they are actually funny (when they really aren’t)… you catch my drift. At the end of the night, my boyfriend at the time drops me off at my house and before I get out of the car he says, “Why were you smiling so much? Did you like xxx (<– insert random friend’s name here). Do you want to date him instead?” WHAT?!!?!

Yup. Psycho to the extreme. So for all you Persian boys out there giving US a bad rep… take a look in the freaking mirror. You are by far, some of the craziest I have ever met. Get over yourselves, for real. Anyway, to my fellow non-psycho Persian joonies, steer clear of the Persian boy crazies… in the meantime, share your “Psycho Persian Boy or Girl” stories with us at sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Love always,

Farrah فراه

Nov 06 2011

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Divooneh Bitches, NAStY HAAwT, What the F

Dumb/Divooneh Bitches

Hi joonjoons,

Hope the weekend has been amazing, and if its been a disaster–i’m sorry, i’m hear to listen though: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

So I know at S&F we’re all about breaking tradition…but we do want to start a very special Sunday tradition. It shall be called: Dumb/Divooneh Bitches where we will bring you the very best entertainment at the expense of some very vain people

(OH BTW, boys if you think you’re being spared–ha! think again–douche of the week will be served up soon)

Cheers!

Today I’m going to rant about Middle Eastern girls who wear too much makeup, I know I’m coming off as a typical jealous bitter girl, but I bring evidence to the table so HEAR ME OUT:

So Round 1. The Persian Witch

OK. First off, this is what we call brand suicide. (if it were a real ad). and why would you want to ever FAKE a l’oreal AD? I mean, who wants to be a Maybelline girl (shes not born with it)…personally, I’d rather Fake a D&G light blue ad see here

Second I know halloween’s over but when I look above, it only reminds me of what’s below—

it's all in the eyes

The evil bitch (witch) from snow white.

Round 2.

There’s the Royal Bride: Kate Middleton

Then there’s the Persian Bride.

“Hey, everyone here’s my wif—HOLY SHIT WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?”

I don’t think I have to explain anymore.

Round 3. The Persian Doll

If I see a picture like this again, I will fly to wherever these girls are with PACKS of make up remover.

Honestly, I’m not even going into my feminist rant about how looking like a doll sends us women back 50 years.

But if you’re 18+ and down with looking like a doll, you should be down with being the blow up kind–if you catch my drift.

I’m sorry if I scared anyone, now girls go throw half the make up you own AWAY!

Thanks and Good Night,

The S&F Team

Nov 04 2011

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Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Torshideh and Desperate, Uncategorized, What the F

Things that Guarantee You’ll Be Torshideh & Desperate*

TORSHIDEH: (n) persian term for pickled (literally). Signifies an old single woman, or bag lady with cats—aka any persian girl 27+

Forever Lazy = Forever Single. Need I say more?

To all my joonieesss (not gender specific), please don’t go out this weekend in the above outfits. There are no snuggie parties that will get you a respectable date, or a fun mistake. Please do DRINK-HOOKUP-LAUGH LOTS and share it ALL with us: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Happy Friday!

The S&F Team

Nov 03 2011

2 Comments

Shitshows, Shut the Front Door

I’m in Love with a Strippaaaaa

I just want to start this post off by saying… my joonie Saaghi is on to something about these Indian boys. No joke.

But honestly, why it is that we are SO set on dating the perfect Irooni boy? The doctor, engineer… lawyer? What is it about these damn Iranian boys that we just can’t seem to get enough of? Do they treat us like queens? Umm not typically. Are they packing it? … NOT compared to Indian boys (true story).

It seems like Persian girls are either settling for the aaaariiiiteee Persian guy JUST to date a Persian guy… or they are looking to rebel for the GOD FORBID BLACK GUY. That’s right ladies… I’m bringing this to attention now: we as Persian girls have some sort of fetish for black guys. Why is that? I’ll leave it to Saaghi to analyze that one, but for now: consider this– is it because they are like forbidden fruit for us? My dad told me YEARS ago that he would be “okay” if I dated someone that wasn’t Iranian… AS LONG AS THEY WEREN’T BLACK! I mean really?

Not only is that incredibly racist… but (ATTN: THIS IS THE CASE WITH EVERY RACE/ETHNICITY/BACKGROUND/ETC.) there are good … and bad. What if Obama had been my black boyfriend back in the day? Would my father have forbidden me to date the guy that would someday become our president? (Seriously, how much would that suck).

But growing up, my family rarely approved of who I was dating UNLESS he was Persian. White? Their response: “ahhh he is okay… vat does he study? No doctor…???!?!!” Italian? Their response: “ehhh he LOOKS Persian.” And so it continued until that fateful day in college when I was introduced to the world of gay clubs. Ladies, if you want to let loose and dance with some FINE ASS MEN, go to a gay bar. NOT EVEN PLAYING. You can let loose, dance like a freak, and drink up without any judgement or any creepers grinding up on you! Now, I’m not necessarily proud of this particular story, but I think we all date someone some point in our lives who is… a little different than what we would normally go for. But personally, I blame my crazy parents for consistently making me feel insecure in EVERY GUY I ever dated, EVEN IF he was the top student in our math class (“eh he isn’t Irooni? How could that be?”)

OK BACK TO THE STORY- The one other GREAT thing about gay bars/clubs? HOT HOT HOT (and typically straight) bartenders… and (drumroll please…) gogo dancers!!!!!! That’s right. To my parent’s horror, I dated a gogo dancer. I’d just like to say this was COMPLETELY unlike me- I’m known for dating the dorkiest of the dorks- smart guys… not hot… the usual standard Persian engineer (sometimes white…) I mean, who the hell honestly dates a gogo dancer? But its like our “black phases” or bringing home the bad boy that our parents hate. After being told “no no no no no no no no no” SO many times, we end up making a decision that …. isn’t exactly the brightest. Obviously, gogo boy and I didn’t last very long- but it was definitely a lesson learned:

Lesson 1: Don’t date a guy that dances in his underwear for money… for guys. That just means there isn’t a whole lot he wouldn’t do.

Lesson 2: Just because your parents say “no” to every other type of guy out there, doesn’t mean they are right. Never settle because your parents told you THIS is correct/right/meant to be, etc. More than likely, it isn’t. We are all unique. What worked for them PROBABLY won’t work for you. (BUT it also doesn’t mean you should get crazy and date someone that is just completely outrageous).

Lesson 3: (and most important) We all make mistakes whether its dating a gogo dancer or rejecting Obama as your black boyfriend, but the best way to bounce back– is to learn from it. Not only will I NEVER date a gogo dancer again, but I know exactly the kind of guy I want to be with- whether he is White, Asian, Black, Hispanic, OR PERSIAN. It is MY decision.

Arite joonies, that’s all for now- what’s your type? Make me feel better, did you ever date a gogo dancer? (No? Just me? AWESOME). Email us at sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Love always,

Farrah فراه

Tagged dating, gay bars, gogo dancer, lessons, love, sex

Nov 03 2011

2 Comments

Fetish, Joon, What the F

ATTN RUDI: You Need A Bollywood Romance

So time out of the sex talk for a sec (real quick i swear!)

as I spent a few days doing work aka blogging/shopping/netflixing in a clearly more “multicultural” setting, i was AMAAZED at how i had been missing out on a key fact of life: good looking indian guys.

um hello.

this comes off super ignorant i know, but im going to use indian to refer to alll pakistani/indian/nepalese/bangladesh/…blablabla u get the idea!

anyways, i thought about it some more…persian guys have already discovered the good looking indian girl.

Exhibit A:

THE MAVERICK SALMAN RUSHDIE & the loveeely padma lakshmi

Why is it that we don’t see this (look below)though?

rudi bakhtiari (our favorite tv anchor) & bollywood superstar shahrukh

i think its a fair question, no? i mean look at rudi in that photo– she’s BOLLYWOOD READY!

After thinking this through, I think you’ll come to the same conclusion: you get the best bang for your buck out of indian guys—theyre dark, handsome, believe in romance, and will bake naan to eat with that fessenjoon. what more could you possibly want?

but in all seriousness, as girls, why do we limit ourselves so much to who we date? i mean the pool of persian MEN (that term being used loosely) that are NOT douche bags is VERY VERY VERY SMALL –less than 100 probably in the whole of north america!

Are we condemning ourselves to bad relationships because we want to date…peeeerrsian? well, breaking news: there are other versions, and im signing myself up.

AND if you have insider knowledge on how good of a package indian guys are/have please please share: sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

BRB with The Sex Talk,

Saaghi ساقی

btw–i totally did NOT forget the black guy complex we girls have, i just need to do some further analysis on that one ;)

image source (mediabistro . womeniran . ooho)

Nov 02 2011

3 Comments

Give it to me, What your momma didn't tell you

Lost My Virginity to a Tampon

Is it just me or does every Persian mother threaten you with the idea that a tampon is going to take away your virginity?

If we are going to get really technical… then yes a tampon goes exactly where… a guy would. But really? Yes mom, I have had sex… BUT not with a guy (or girl… or strap on… or whatever else your dirty mind is thinking of right now). I feel like this was the excuse my mom used to keep tabs on my sex life, “Yes you can start wearing tampons when you have had sex.” Um so does this mean I’m supposed to tell you or will the new box of tampons in our family bathroom be indication enough that I’m getting down and dirty?

Of course, as I got older, her “theories” only got worst. I think my favorite was, “I can tell when people have had sex because the corners of their eyes change shape.” WHAT????!! Granted, I was 16 at the time and HORRIFIED that this really could be a possibility. Even though, I still hadn’t done the nasty, I would constantly avoid looking my mother in the eye and it scared the crap out of me when she would literally sit across from me and study my eyes. After awhile, I even started staring into my friend’s eyes (the non-virgins) to see if the shape of their eyes looked any different than mine did. Pathetic? I think so.

Obviously, I grew up (debatable) and realized that my mother was just some crazy Iranian mother who KNEW that her seriously ridiculous threats would work on her impressionable, innocent (at the time) Persian daughter. But let’s be real, if we are going to claim that tampons take your virginity… what about when you are grinding up on some random at the club?

If we are really going to believe that a tampon has the capability of taking your innocence away, then SHIT- what the hell does dancing like that (look up) do?!

So for all you innocent Persian girls whose mothers claim that eating too much butter or holding hands with a boy (GOD FORBID) is going to take our virginity away… news flash: NOT TRUE. I’m not saying to go slut it up, I’m just saying… use the damn tampon. Share your crazy Persian mother stories with us at sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com- was your mom as insane as mine?

Love always,

Farrah فراه

sexandfessenjoon

SEX and our love for fessenJOON

Monthly Archives: November 2011