Joonies: We promised nothing would be off limits (and we stay true), so here we go…we’re anticipating some hate-mail for this one #LEGGO!
We’ve all heard it before: “Don’t stop baby.” After choking, eyes tearing, its like no one else in the world exists until he is satisfied. That’s right joonies, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about:
I was 15 years old when this hot senior at my high school and I drove to a secluded parking lot (yeah I started early, don’t judge). We moved to the backseat of his car and after maybe ten minutes of kissing, he said, “What do you think? Are you ready to try it?” I was an impressionable tenth grader and throughout my life, I was repeatedly told that sex is BAD, sex is for MARRIAGE. So what’s the next best thing for a guy- after sex? GIVING HEAD. I was ready to shed my dorky junior high school girl image and finally hook up with someone sexy, an upperclassman.
So, Hot Senior put on the Dr. Dre CD (I know- so ghetto), and after ONE FUCKING HOUR, I was still moving my head up and down… stopping every 3 minutes asking if I could be done yet. His response? “Don’t stop, baby.” I remember thinking, “Arite, I’m not your fucking baby, and not only is my neck stiff as hell, but my throat hurts… and WHY ARE YOU SO HAIRY?!” Oh- did I mention Hot Senior is Persian? (Of course).
Regardless of his ridiculous, un-kept pubes, and the forever ruined Dr. Dre CD, this was a pivotal moment for me. It signified me stepping up from dorkdom to experienced, little Persian girl.
Having been a virgin until age 20, I often replaced sex with blow jobs- and NO, not what you’re thinking: NOT “every guy I ever hooked up with,” ONLY with the guys I dated… or was too drunk to care (… jk… kinda). But seriously, giving head was a way to maintain my virgin status without having to bend over and have anal sex or actually lose my virginity. Finally, I could do something that my strict as shit Iranian parents hadn’t specifically forbidden me from doing, right? WRONG. My Persian mother was your typical run-of-the-mill crazy, nosy woman who took it upon herself to listen to my phone conversations behind the door, snoop through my computer and read my diary (yeah I wrote in it once every other blow job).
When I was 18 years old, my motherkicked me out of the house for about one week because she found out that I had engaged in some “not so innocent” dick sucking activities. Her response? “Just because you haven’t had intercourse doesn’t mean you are a virgin.”
THIS IS WHERE SHE WAS WRONG. Joonies… SEX DOES NOT STAND FOR SUCKING DICK. Yeah I know, its technically oral sex, but intercourse is intercourse- it doesn’t mean you put someone’s privates in your mouth. It doesn’t mean that some guy attempted to give you an orgasm by slobbering all of your vagina (sidenote: why are WE expected to give head when SO many guys care barely work their way around down there)?
I’m definitely not encouraging that you should go open your mouth to every guy you meet. But calm down:
Just because you’ve given a blow job or two, does not mean you are slutty and it sure as hell does not mean you ARE NOT a virgin.
As for our crazy parents, we grew up in a different generation, a different WORLD. Yes, my mother freaked the hell out and attempted to “teach me a lesson” by kicking me out of my house but, ultimately, our standards compared to the traditions that our parents were raised with are different. I know that I will not be having my husband chosen for me. In fact, I already know that I won’t be a stay at home mother, or a top chef. While that may be hard for them to comprehend, it doesn’t mean that we are doing anything wrong. It is natural to want to experiment and try things out that seem new and exciting.
And yes as hard as it is to believe, it is natural to engage in oral sex.
(but even more natural for guys to do all the work, just saying).
And boys… I’m sure you are ALL about this post- “Yeah baby! Now girls are going to start giving head everywhere!” But, if you expect ME to go down on YOU- then do yourself a favor and follow these rules:
1. Don’t shave, but trim. No one likes pubes getting stuck in their braces… or down their throat.
2. Don’t push my head down. I’m not a robot, if you are SO lucky to get your dick sucked by ME, then I’ll do it at my own pace, k? Thanks.
3. Don’t ASK me to do it. If I want to do it, I will. When you act all bitch-ass and whiney, pleading for head, chances are I’m turned off and ready to go home.
And joonies, you know we’ve all had this experience. In fact, for those of us who end up losing our virginity at some point in our early lives, we probably started at least 3 years before that with blow jobs. Its just a part of life… and after a few years, it can even start to grow on you.
Disagree? Are sex and BLOW JOBS both sacred?
Are you ready to tell me to shut the F up?!
Until the next BJ,