In case you thought we were only about catering to our female joons.
this ones for you boys (&some girls-hey we don’t judge!)
BUT in all honestly, why do people copy Marilyn so much?
OR..do other bitches just front?
You can tell us who you think is the best Monroe. & also how your weekend goes:
XX,
THE S&F TEAM
Hiii joonjoons,
We decided that tonight we would take a little break from the SEX and BLOW JOBS- keeping shock value at a minimum ;)
Growing up, my parents were the epitome of Iranian parents & ”poz-dadan” (show-off) .
My mom had a BOMB ass home cooked meal ready on the table by the time my dad got home from work every night. They had an active social life going to mehmoonis (parties) on a regular basis and spending hours talking to their friends about what the fuck that one bitch was wearing at the last one (obvs- more so mom than dad). On the outside, they were the perfect couple. Happy, loving… bullshit.
Fake love is everywhere-- Zac's gay (sorry ladies).
The second we would get back into the car to go home from the mehmooni, the bickering started. My mom would bitch at my dad and my dad would ignore her causing her to get more agitated. It wasn’t until high school, when the fighting really started getting out of hand. Nightly dinners were still prepared, but we ate in silence or rather… I ate in silence while my parents yelled at each other. My mother being the typical Peeersian drama queen would yell, talk shit and throw things, while my dad just sat there and took it. Luckily, my brother was too young to remember these times. But I wasn’t. I remember.
Dueling it out....kids in the car.
For the longest time, I fantasized about the day when my mom (or dad) would grow some balls and either work their issues out or just call it quits. I remember eavesdropping on my mother’s phone conversations to her family in Iran where she would emphasize, “No, I’m absolutely not happy- I want to kill him. I am only staying with him for my kids.” BIGGEST BULLSHIT STATEMENT EVER.
Don’t ever think that KIDS are stupid enough to not know what’s going on. Don’t think that kids are stupid enough to believe that its normal for parents to fight. And most importantly, don’t think kids are stupid enough to not feel the tension that fills the room even when parents pretend like everything is normal.
We aren’t stupid.
OK minus him, he might be a little stupid. Akheyy
I was tired of the yelling. I was tired of dreading to have to leave school and go back to the house of hell. But even more so- I didn’t want my little brother to have grow up with angry, bitter parents like I did. Whether some parents realize it or not (or most often– later rather than sooner), their actions towards one another sets an example: My parent’s horrible relationship would have only taught my brother that “Yes, it is okay to talk to your wife like that” and “Yes, marriage is just a contract, you don’t have to respect each other.”
Of course, after my family owned up to their issues and decided to do what IS best for their kids (the D word), it set off the gossip stream throughout the Iranian community. Some of my mother’s closest friends shunned her (Ten years later, I’m still disgusted). Their response?
“How can you leave him? What are YOU going to do?”
And worst of all, people chose sides and it was rarely my mother’s side that was chosen. I was so MAD when I saw the way her so-called FRIENDS treated her after the divorce until I realized one thing:
#wisdom
It took several years before my parent’s Persian “friends” were able to act normal with them. And the FUNNIEST PART was my mother started a trend within our little Persian community. At least three other families who didn’t have the balls to own up to their issues ended up getting divorced (or “legally separated” aka divorce without the commitment) after my parents did.
The Iranian community puts a huge emphasis on family, but:
why can’t we still be a happy, functioning family even if our parents aren’t together?
My father stepped up in ways he had never stepped up before the divorce. He actually started to make an effort to be PRESENT in both my life and my brother’s. Not just that, my relationship improved tremendously with both my parents after they broke up. Its almost a similar concept as having sex before marriage:
Everyone leads different lives and its up to us to be able to be strong enough to roll with the punches and make the right decisions. (And no, “right decision” does not mean what your mother or “God” told you, it means: what makes YOU happy).
An Award-winning film that deals with the ‘D’ word: less melodrama, and more REALISM.
A Separation
Are you going to go after what you believe in or are you going to shun me because I do? Let us know- we loooove hearing from our precious joonies:
Here’s to bashing tradition,
Joonies: We promised nothing would be off limits (and we stay true), so here we go…we’re anticipating some hate-mail for this one #LEGGO!
We’ve all heard it before: “Don’t stop baby.” After choking, eyes tearing, its like no one else in the world exists until he is satisfied. That’s right joonies, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about:
I was 15 years old when this hot senior at my high school and I drove to a secluded parking lot (yeah I started early, don’t judge). We moved to the backseat of his car and after maybe ten minutes of kissing, he said, “What do you think? Are you ready to try it?” I was an impressionable tenth grader and throughout my life, I was repeatedly told that sex is BAD, sex is for MARRIAGE. So what’s the next best thing for a guy- after sex? GIVING HEAD. I was ready to shed my dorky junior high school girl image and finally hook up with someone sexy, an upperclassman.
In the Backseat...
So, Hot Senior put on the Dr. Dre CD (I know- so ghetto), and after ONE FUCKING HOUR, I was still moving my head up and down… stopping every 3 minutes asking if I could be done yet. His response? “Don’t stop, baby.” I remember thinking, “Arite, I’m not your fucking baby, and not only is my neck stiff as hell, but my throat hurts… and WHY ARE YOU SO HAIRY?!” Oh- did I mention Hot Senior is Persian? (Of course).
Regardless of his ridiculous, un-kept pubes, and the forever ruined Dr. Dre CD, this was a pivotal moment for me. It signified me stepping up from dorkdom to experienced, little Persian girl.
Having been a virgin until age 20, I often replaced sex with blow jobs- and NO, not what you’re thinking: NOT “every guy I ever hooked up with,” ONLY with the guys I dated… or was too drunk to care (… jk… kinda). But seriously, giving head was a way to maintain my virgin status without having to bend over and have anal sex or actually lose my virginity. Finally, I could do something that my strict as shit Iranian parents hadn’t specifically forbidden me from doing, right? WRONG. My Persian mother was your typical run-of-the-mill crazy, nosy woman who took it upon herself to listen to my phone conversations behind the door, snoop through my computer and read my diary (yeah I wrote in it once every other blow job).
Mind Ya Business Mom!
When I was 18 years old, my motherkicked me out of the house for about one week because she found out that I had engaged in some “not so innocent” dick sucking activities. Her response? “Just because you haven’t had intercourse doesn’t mean you are a virgin.”
THIS IS WHERE SHE WAS WRONG. Joonies… SEX DOES NOT STAND FOR SUCKING DICK. Yeah I know, its technically oral sex, but intercourse is intercourse- it doesn’t mean you put someone’s privates in your mouth. It doesn’t mean that some guy attempted to give you an orgasm by slobbering all of your vagina (sidenote: why are WE expected to give head when SO many guys care barely work their way around down there)?
GENEROUS.
I’m definitely not encouraging that you should go open your mouth to every guy you meet. But calm down:
Just because you’ve given a blow job or two, does not mean you are slutty and it sure as hell does not mean you ARE NOT a virgin.
As for our crazy parents, we grew up in a different generation, a different WORLD. Yes, my mother freaked the hell out and attempted to “teach me a lesson” by kicking me out of my house but, ultimately, our standards compared to the traditions that our parents were raised with are different. I know that I will not be having my husband chosen for me. In fact, I already know that I won’t be a stay at home mother, or a top chef. While that may be hard for them to comprehend, it doesn’t mean that we are doing anything wrong. It is natural to want to experiment and try things out that seem new and exciting.
(but even more natural for guys to do all the work, just saying).
And boys… I’m sure you are ALL about this post- “Yeah baby! Now girls are going to start giving head everywhere!” But, if you expect ME to go down on YOU- then do yourself a favor and follow these rules:
1. Don’t shave, but trim. No one likes pubes getting stuck in their braces… or down their throat.
2. Don’t push my head down. I’m not a robot, if you are SO lucky to get your dick sucked by ME, then I’ll do it at my own pace, k? Thanks.
3. Don’t ASK me to do it. If I want to do it, I will. When you act all bitch-ass and whiney, pleading for head, chances are I’m turned off and ready to go home.
And joonies, you know we’ve all had this experience. In fact, for those of us who end up losing our virginity at some point in our early lives, we probably started at least 3 years before that with blow jobs. Its just a part of life… and after a few years, it can even start to grow on you.
Disagree? Are sex and BLOW JOBS both sacred?
Are you ready to tell me to shut the F up?!
Until the next BJ,
Hellohello jooneh-azizums ;)
Lots of you guys have been sending love, and we LOVE you for thattt so keep it coming (along with some funny scandalous stories): sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com
Today on the agenda we have a rather important issue: the ever-so-illusive FRAT boy. A staple of college life. Whether you’re graduated, in college, or waiting to get there– you will be dealing with them.
Here’s an accurate portrayal of a fratpartyscene, if you’ve never been to one:
And if you ARE a frat boy and reading this (fuckyeahBRO) > i promise it will be informative, or at the very least, entertaining.
When I first got to college, I was rather dazed&confused with the Greek scene- pay $$$ for a social life?
Does that mean I don’t have to develop my own social skills? WORD. between pulling all nighters and roommates from hell, who has time for that?! OK, so I bought in (literally $$$$ sorrydaddy). We’ll leave the lies I told my parents about the benefits for another post!
Thanks to my decision, I met my first love/boyfriend/hookup/mindfuck. He was also a freshman, and an Arab pledging a fraternity. When we first met, he was a NORMAL asshole, he’d only sometimes treat me like crap. Once he crossed over (yes thats what they call it when they initiate into BRO-dom) , it was a whole other story. He became OBSESSED with his ‘brotherhood’, and the FRAT-TASTIC lifestyle.
So it was onto the next for me.
Soon after him, I started specializing in their kind- Persian,Arab,Armenian- the MIDDLE EASTERN FRAT BOY.
And now all this experience has allowed me to bestow some wisdom upon you joons:
If you want a real relationship with the opposite sex.
from frat boys.
If you want a booty call, hit em up (BEWARE: some are really not that good). But for an emotional connection and the ‘make love’ type of intimacy, check out that kid in the library reading Shakespeare, or the hipster at the local Co-op.
Here’s why:
All frat boys aspire to be Ralph Lauren models or in a National Lampoon Movie, but not all succeed.
Where those boatshoes at?
There are TWO type of Frat Boys in the world-
1. Ambitious, Selfish, Ruthless, Cutthroat BROs: wall street 1% = frat row 1%. FO REAL. They are never down to settle because they know the girl they meet at a frat party is not gonna be the wifey they take to that BLACK TIE FUNDRAISER. you want to be his first priority? Wait til he’s 35+. Because until he gets himself to where HE wants to be (top law school, med school, MBA, SENATE SEAT etc) he will not be giving you 100% of his anything–including attention OR respect.
#1 is the type you will most likely see trying to rack up his ‘numbers’ while racking up a top GPA. #1 will keep going even after you’ve fallen asleep.
#1 is what you want, but canNOT have. and I mean that. Girls, these guys are NOT a challenge– they will not change for anyone: a Maxim model or Michelle Obama. Getting involved with #1 is asking for heartbreak, disrespect, and a whole lot of SH!TTY NIGHTS.
Don't let his refined exterior fool you.
2. Drunken, Clowny, Untalented, Goofy BROs: This is the guy you see double fisting beers, peeing his pants, and/or dressing up as a PENIS at an exchange/mixer. He is not date-able, but he is gullible– which means if you ever see a fratboy in a relationship, he belongs to this category. These bros live to make other bros laugh, smash shit around, and glide through life. They will most likely end up middle manager, or selling insurance (truestory).
#2 lacks in SWAGGER what #1 lacks in HUMANITY. everything.
Life is Beer Pong & Bitches
Now here’s where shit gets serious. Most Persian (middleeastern) dudes that rush a frat, end up as #1s. Why? Because of the way they were raised.
Being ambitious and thinking they’re f!cking amazing is in their genetic code— HELLO DOODOOL TALA COMPLEX (goldenpenis).
Some symptoms of the DoodoolTala-complex (all may not apply to..all):
- I am going to be amazing at what I do. because I’m me.
- Women are to throw themselves at me, because, like my mom said, I’m fucking amazing.
oh— and if they don’t it’s because theyre ugly prude feminists.
- I am to work and make $$$, so I can make it rain at the clubs. So I can further prove my manliness.
- Being a man is the greatest privilege.
When they enter fraternity life, they just find that their goldenpenis-complex is reinforced.
This is DANGEROUS territory for girls, unless you got your head on straight.
(Here, I believe I’m helping some frat boys out so they don’t deal with that psychobitch who texts/calls wondering where you guys are headed since you last hooked up.)
Say it with me now:
(For ass)
If you can’t take the heat, get outta the kitchen or else you’ll end up burned. That’s what happened to me the first time. DEVASTATION- BEN&JERRYS – PSYCHODRUNK TEXTING. DO NOT let it happen to you. If you think you canNOT do the NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED commitment, stay away from frat boys, esp the PERSIAN KIND. They will hurt.
Joonies, any fun/fucked up frat stories to share? Or think I have them pegged ALL WRONG?
FRATtastically yours,
Hey Jooniesssss,
We always like to start off the weekend with a BANG (not literally …. most of the time) and we thought what better way to start the weekend than with a post solely dedicated to THE hottest, funniest Persian comedian, we’ve ever seen.
Meet Amir K., our flavor of the week (or month-take your pick):
Take me home tonight!
Now he’s the kind of guy, you might be able to bring home to Dad: UCLA educated and even better (for us): not your typical engineer, doctor or lawyer (BOOORING). Nothing says SEXYYYY like a guy that can make you… AND your family laugh.
AND he looks good when he makes jokes...
Amir K., we just wanted to give you a little shout-out and say: we love you, your long hair and your insane, new beard (it might get in the way during a make out session, but we’re willing to look past that).
Still hot? We think so
So joonies, if you meet a hottie this weekend who’s not your pre-parent approved doctor or real estate agent, don’t turn your back JUST yet. You might be missing out on something like this:
HAHAHA not sure what he said, but we're laughing anyway...
And if you’ve yet to experience Amir K. in action, check it out, we KNOW you won’t be disappointed (especially those of you with Middle Eastern DADDY ISSUES like Saaghi– see here):
Like what you see? So do we! We’ll be watching reruns of Amir K. this weekend, but share YOUR hottie run-ins from the weekend- can’t wait to see if they beat Amir jooooon:
XOXO,
Today is World AIDS day.
34 Million People around the world suffer from being HIV-positive.
I’m sure all you joons, can go and google the sh!t out of all these stats- the where,what,how,andwhy- the general lowdown on AIDS/HIV. (Isn’t that effing awesome? Thanks to the internet, more people can be educated about helping find a cure! IN THIS DAY AND AGE–we’re not lucky, we’re blessed.yes)
Now we want to RAISE AWARENESS about another problem- something, we’re all guilty of. It’s called the NOT-TALKING-ABOUT-IT-MAKES-IT-NOT-EXIST disorder.
The TABOO SYNDROME.
sometimes you just gotta play the penis game.
Why is that ONE day a year (Dec 1)– Iranians become comfortable with SEX? Go surf your facebooks, how many statuses did you ‘like’ that had to do with CONDOMS, SAFE SEX, STDs, HIV?
It’s great to show your support, but I guarantee if ALI or TINA were to put up a status “make sure you wear a condom when having sex” on a random day in April— you’d kind of think they’re crazy. or worse- promiscuous.
How many of you are unwilling to LIKE our facebook page because it has the WORD S-E-X in it? OH what would my ammeh, or amoo hooshang think!?
here’s our question, as the writers of S&f who are talking about things that aren’t maman-and-baba friendly:
and is it worth risking your health?
LET’S ALL SAY IT TOGETHER:
TALKING ABOUT SEX DOES NOT MAKE ME A WHORE.
IT’S NOT ZESHT.
IT’S NATURAL.
Regardless of where you stand in the spectrum with your sex life from the virgins, to the very experienced, sex is an integral part of your life. and you need to understand it before you can love it, be good at it, and be safe with it. Again, I’m not talking about your philosophy on whether you should have sex or NOT- It’s about making the decision to be real about something that our parents, grandparents, and sometimes friends, BRUSH under the rug.
1 in 5 people with HIV don’t EVEN KNOW they have HIV. How messed up is that?
WE’re all constantly wired– updated on everylittle thing that goes on via fbook, texts, twitter, etc. we SHOULD be updated on our health–
if you’re having sex (oral, vaginal, anal, WHATEVER) it is a REALITY that you can get STDs. sorryboutit. just because you don’t talk about it does NOT make it go away.
because your parents dont know about it, OR you dont go to the gyno bc you dont want the doc to know you’re sexually active OR you think you can trust your partner WILL not change the reality: you must protect yourself.
Let me break it down for you:
GIRLS: If you’re having sex, and you’re not telling anyone that does not RE-VIRGIN-ATE you. Afraid of labels? It’s better to be afraid of Herpes, syphillis, gonnorrhea, HIV.<<<that shit’s cray!
if you’re not OWNING your sexuality, you’re not going to protect yourself- because you’re going to be LESS LIKELY to ask the GUY to wear a condom, cause you’re already feeling shame for opening your legs.
THERE’S NO SHAME IN THAT GAME. We promise.
So PLEASE get tested and stay safe. even if you want to stay anonymous (Thankyouplannedparenthood).
2. EVERYONE: please create an environment for yourself and your friends to be open to talk about these things. and if you still dont want to open up to anybody, AT LEAST open up with your partner. that’s just purely for RESPECT.
“I know I’m about to go down on you, but I want to make sure you’re clean have you been tested?”
—-isn’t that more self-respecting than the girl who ACTS like a virgin but is really opening her legs without asking (Cause she’s too scared to make rules.)?
For guys, if you’re spreading it because you’re too ASHAMED to tell someone you have an STD— bro, you’re a GRADE A DOUCHEBAG. and if you’re spreading it because you DON’T EVEN KNOW you have one–you’re a world class IDIOT–
Today’s post may be more than some of you readers can swallow, but it’s necessary. If what you read made you uncomfortable:
sexandfessenjoon@Gmail.com
-we can definitely be that person you talk to about your sex life ;) cause we dont judge.
Lovingly yours,
