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Mar 05 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

My Persian Mom Went Through My Stuff and Found…

A recent email from a Sweet Joonie with a Sour Problem. (Like Fessenjoon!)

Ok, we won’t quit blogging for comedy. But we gave her good enough advice that she allowed us to share her plight with the world, in hopes that maybe we could garner some more good insight!….

Hey girls,

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog and how much insight I get by reading it. With that said, I’ve run into a bit of a problem recently and would love to get some advice from you.

I am a 20 year old college student living on my own.

My parents live just about 15 minutes away from me. Yesterday, while I was in class, they decided to come over and bring me food (even though I specifically told them I would be in class until 5:30pm). When I left in the morning, my apartment wasn’t in the best shape, I had papers scattered everywhere, clothes on the ground, my bed wasn’t made, etc.

My mom, being the foozool (nosy) mom she is, absolutely LOVES going through my things, but doesn’t dare call it snooping, no… she’s “just helping me.”

Here’s where I’m stuck: I had a tiny plastic bag sitting on the bottom of my nightstand with 3 opened condom wrappers inside. I had every intention of throwing them out but forgot with school and such on my mind…

So what does my mom decide to do after she hangs my clothes and makes my bed?

image

She decided to open that plastic bag that obviously looked like garbage to see what was inside and to her surprise 3 used condom wrappers fell out… Continue reading →

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Mar 02 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Joon, Stories From a Past Life, Weekend Winning

This Is My Right

Hey joons,

This month is dedicated to the celebration of women (and Norouz…). Because let’s be honest – it’s the 21st century and we’re still dealing with a lot of bullsh*t that many women before us worked their asses off to overcome.

vt

Women before our time came out in protest fighting for their right to vote. And while we’re still waiting on a few things (like equal pay and respect … or just an end to men dictating what “legitimate rape” is)… we’ve come far. Continue reading →

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Feb 21 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, What the F

Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

Hi Joonies.

Every time I blog, I rack my brain of something really witty to start a post off with. I can’t say it ever really works, but I’m just going to leave it to someone waaay more talented to give me an intro:

There are three things I value most in life:

1. My Family

2. Flaming Hot Cheetos

3. My Friends, a.k.a. Meth

(Sorry guys, Chester Cheeto has been there for me through errrthang)

I have all different sorts of Meth –tall, short, persian, not persian, etc. I love them all to pieces. And they’re all different types of crazy.  But what I’ve learned the hard way is:

Crazy is a much better adjective than Toxic.

I’ve had a few of those Poisonous Frenemies in my life, and I’m sure I’ll come across a few more. Unfortunately, it is the curse of friendship, you get a few bad eggs every season. Now, I have to point out that the difference between a BAD friend and a Toxic friend is very clear:

A Bad Friend is bad at friendship, a toxic friend makes friendship bad for you.

A Bad Friend is:

- Unreliable, Flaky, Selfish, A bad listener & Oblivious

But they’re not malicious. A bad friend is that one friend you have that you know

always talks about herself and her problems, and looks off into the sky when it is your chance to talk.

I usually have bad friends out of unfortunate or forced circumstances: work, family, mutual connection etc.

A Toxic Friend is:

- Jealous, Competitive, Insecure, Unhappy & Conniving

If a person possesses 4/5 above qualities, you won’t catch me near them–even with a ten foot pole.

Misery loves company, and those people really want you to join them. Continue reading →

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Feb 20 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Joon, Shut the Front Door, What the F

Trust is BLIND

Hey joonies,

Happy Hump Day! Few more hours until we’re over the hump and THAT MUCH closer to the weekend. You’d think that with the three-day weekend we just had, I wouldn’t be so greedy. But work takes up about 80 percent of my time so excuuuuse me for feeling the weekend blues.

In all honesty, I just want to sleep in and watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Don’t judge – reality TV is my ultimate guilty pleasure – but I don’t feel so guilty about it.

Anyway, I’ll get to the real point of this post sooner rather than later because I need some help from you guys on this one:

trapLet me back up for a second…

I’ve always been very… independent when it comes to men. I don’t trust easily and it’s not because I’ve been so scarred for life, but because I feel like every time I begin to trust one – I get let down.

The fear of vulnerability outnumbers any desire to take a risk.

And I’m actually quite okay with that for now because I truly haven’t met anyone that I can see a future with.  So it’s really out of sight out of mind for me… until I realized that…

There are different degrees of trust in any type of “romantic” relationship: (1). you trust your partner to stay committed and (2). you trust the guy you’re f#cking to refrain from [figuratively] f#cking you over. Continue reading →

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Feb 10 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

My Pickle is Ripe

Hi JOONS,

It’s been too long. I’ve had sexandfessenjoon withdrawals – more fessenjoon and less sex, if you know what I mean. I’ve had the pleasure of participating in some quality family time lately. Home-cooked meals, clean sheets, and unsolicited love advice – really, what more could you ask for?

My mom especially had a lot of questions for me on this visit – how’s my job … which lasted all of 30 seconds before she interrupted to ask about my dating life. Here’s something you should all probably know about my mother:

For as long as I can remember, my mom told me to steer clear of Persian boys and she stressed the importance of being an independent woman.

Through the years, she became more emphatic with this advice – especially after her divorce.

“Farrah, marriage is estupid. Anyvone who is married right now is unhappy – believe me.” 

“Farrah, never depend on a man. Dey are all after vone ting.” 

And as much as I think my mom is a little cray at times, those words really resonated. More importantly, I thought she would be the last person to bug me that my biological clock is ticking… at 25.

vibrateBut the second I walked through the door of her home, she was like, “Who are you dating? Vhen do you vant to get married? Is dere anyvone in VAA-SHING-TOON who is good?”

My response is always the same, “No mom, I’m good for now… thanks though.”

But clearly, my persistence on wanting to focus on my career and life didn’t sit well with her this time.

At 25, I’m on the brink of torshideh. And once I’m pickled and “old” – I won’t be wife material anymore. Continue reading →

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Feb 04 2013
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Make Me Submissive, Baby

Happy Monday = R.I.P weekend

It was Superbowl weekend, and even though Niners lost– it was probably the best football game I’ve ever watched.

Jim Harbaugh proved that I have more in common with an NFL coach than I thought possible.

image

So this post is partially an ode to Jim Harbaugh, who perfectly embodies the frustrated and helpless younger sibling in all of us.

In an earlier post, Farrah Joon talked about her take on dominating in the bedroom…and how it’s a lot better, when the guy takes control.  And to borrow a quote from the lovely lady that I think described her point definition of “DOMINATING”:

“HE TOOK CONTROL AND HE GAVE IT TO ME THE WAY HE KNEW I WOULD LIKE IT.” - Fifty Shades of Joon

And really, its true…while it may vary from girl to girl, almost all women like it when the man exercises some control. And without passing judgment, I have to ask:

Why? Why do we like it when a man plays the Dominant to our Submissive?

The ‘S’ word may be a dirty one, but deep down, every bad b*tch wants an equally (or more) powerful male to pin her down and give it to her good. Continue reading →

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Jan 27 2013
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

If All Else Fails, PLAN B.

Hello hello,

A freshly waxed Saaghi is writing to you. Kinda has me singing nails done, hair done..oh you fancy huh?

Its been a big weekend — SHOP JOON is up.

Get your #JOON game on:

sex&joon

sex&joon

Have you noticed that I (Saaghi) haven’t blogged about sex in awhile? Or did you guys think I had somehow transformed into an asexual being…?

Well, joonies, I’ve been having lots of sex…with only one person. (Uh oh, you know what that means…) And as amazingly wonderful as the sex is, we recently hit something kind of like a hurdle…

A Broken Condom.

Or should I say a torn condom? Idk, whatever its called…it happened. and Bad news is, I’m not on birth control.

In fact, I’ve never been on birth control. While most of my friends started before they were even sexually active (for various other reasons), I never really needed to be on it. My skin was fine, my periods were regular, and I guess my hormones have always had their act together. And its a blessing because I don’t think I could really remember to take a pill everyday, no matter if I know how bad the consequences could be.

And when I did become sexually active, I tried to make sure the guy wrapped it up before anything happened. The first time I visited the gyno, she lectured me on all the different forms of Birth Control (BC) and how “just a condom” was still a risk. I just nodded, smiled, and threw the brochure away…

Maybe I’m ignorant but somehow, I don’t like the idea of putting hormones in my body and getting all crazy. Yet, am I fighting the inevitable? Continue reading →

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Jan 24 2013
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, NAStY HAAwT

Fifty Shades of JOON

Hey joon joons,

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!

And despite the fact that I’m freezing balls here – I can’t wait for the freakin weekend so I can spend the weekend under 100+ blankets.  Granted, it’s the “Pro-Life Rally” tomorrow, which means I’ll have to avoid eye contact with everyone and ignore the horrifying pictures of dead fetuses – while I believe in the freedom of speech … I still believe in the freedom of choice. BUT it’s still going to be Friday so I’ll keep my complaints to a minimum.

ANYWAY – I decided to bring the conversation back to sex tonight because in my opinion…

If you’re having it, then you should talk about it.

Okay maybe that’s a bit extreme.

sx

As the story always goes – I met a guy… we liked each other and we eventually, had sex. Done.

But this time was quite different than any other time – and let me try to explain… as with a lot of my sexual (and dating) experiences, I call the shots. I tell them when I’m going to go on top, when they’re on top, where to put their hands, and more.  

I’m quite the micro-manager in all aspects of my life.

Especially with my dating history, it’s always me directing – or letting them know what I like… or at least, that’s what it feels like. 

Sometimes the guy really needs to take control and tell me what to do – especially in the bedroom. Continue reading →

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Jan 22 2013
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows

Panties Hit The Ground When Taking Shots

Hey joonies,

I just have to say, this day… sucks. How can any day follow Inauguration day? Seriously, as a country – we should be given the day after the Inauguration off to mentally prepare for how boring our lives really are.  Hope you all had a chance to check out my Inauguration day photos via the amazing social media world of Twitter (click here).

Here is my personal favorite from the day (because it’s of me obviously… and Saaghi jooooon designed it ;) ):

far

Obama is my joooooon

Anyway, I received some valuable insight today at work – always learning, my boss would be so proud - I was told this:

All men are dogs – there are the purebreds and the street dog/mutts. Purebreds can be trained… they are keepers. Mutts are for the streets.

I’m still trying to figure out the difference between a mutt and a purebred — so I can’t really dissect that one for now, but I’ll keep you all posted. As always.

When I graduated high school – I really didn’t think about all of that. All that pressure of finding a nice guy who is responsible, well suited for dad, and treats me well (AKA a purebred) was never the main focus in my mind. Back then it was all about whether they were hot … or not.

He is so not suitable for dad

He is so not suitable for dad

In the early days of college, going out was about meeting boys and either bringing them back to our place or making out with them at the bar. And that was just the norm.

We went out solely to meet boys – our night’s fun was dependent on how many times we gave our number out and whether we kissed anyone. Continue reading →

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Jan 08 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT

I Do It And It Feels Good

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile — hasn’t it? i miss you all. Sitting here… cold… knowing that I should really go to the gym tonight. The gym is what allows me to eat the ridiculous way that I do. Cake, burgers, you name it.

slutty

Motivation #leggo

I spent most of my vacation being lazy and watching random TV shows – Downton Abbey, Blue Mountain State, and the infamous Dawson’s Creek (Dawson is such a pain).  Anyway, watching Dawson’s Creek just reminds me of high school … and how different my life was compared to them.

In high school, I wasn’t the top student… or the most devoted. I cut class – not to do anything fun in particular, but just because I had no hos. It’s funny how things change when you grow up.

And I definitely wasn’t what some people would consider “innocent.” Virgin or not – I still made it through third base by the time I was 16 - what’s considered for some people = normal. 

And watching Dawson’s Creek (don’t judge me) - these kids are 15 and they’re having their first kiss.  It makes me wonder…

Are you ever too young to have sex?

The answer might seem obvious to some – but when I was 15-16, I thought I was old enough to do these things and even more so, I was curious about it.  I wanted to know what the hype was about and frankly, I was growing up – experimenting.

use it

Looking back now, I think 16 is so young and when I think about how I felt doing it then — it was weird. Nothing ever really felt good… it just felt different and I remember thinking either “ow” or “this is uncomfortable.” 

It took a long time for messing around to actually stop feeling foreign and start feeling real. Continue reading →

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