Category Archives: Douche of the Week

Come At Me Bro

Hey Joons,

I’m a little sexed out – better known as not getting any. And while I would love to go on about my problems, I thought I’d dedicate tonight to a slightly more depressing cause. Plus, when I actually think about it, I realize that  99 percent of my anger comes from listening to people’s idiotic opinions/conclusions/etc.

(here’s looking at you, Congress). 

Let me take it back a step. The world’s perception of Iran has changed dramatically over the last few years. Sure, the Hostage Crisis didn’t help in the late 70′s/early 80′s, but for the most part – Iran’s “scary factor” was overshadowed by the gossip of “weapons of mass destruction” in countries like Iraq – and once that was discovered to be untrue (and Saddam Hussein was done with), we focused on Afghanistan, and specifically, Bin Laden.

After we killed the bad guys and started moving toward the “reconstruction period” in those countries, our attention became fixated on Iran - thanks to Ahmadinejad, it wasn’t hard for people around the world to stop and think, “Oh he’s batshit… and he runs a country?!” 

HMIf we were to just take Ahmadinejad at face value, is the “threat” that Iran poses void? No, because we have the supreme pleasure to be in the presence of the puppet master, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei.

Also known as the scary ass man with a turban who preaches about the evils of America and is constantly shown cultivating his relationship with Hezbollah.

Personally, I think we’re more afraid of the turbans than of their power.

As Ann Coulter says, people should be imprisoned just for wearing a “hee-jab” in America because they’re assimilating Americans into their culture and pretty soon – we’ll all have undergone clitorectomies. (watch at 2 minutes and 35 seconds – she’s cray). Gosh, we really need “better immigrants” huh.

I digress. Back to the scary turban’ed men – the idea of them gaining nuclear power is horrifying and I can understand why – we don’t know these people here in America, we don’t know what their intentions are, we don’t know if they actually hate us – so we do the only thing that has proven to be effective in the past (please note my intense sarcasm):

We isolate. We sanction. We make life as difficult as humanly possible for the elite regime of Iran so that they will be forced into giving up any and all power – including nuclear power.

It’s almost like high school – we isolate the weird kid in class, we ignore him, we tease him, we make life as difficult as we can (for high school). And then one day, he ends up bringing a gun to school.

khBut if you ask me, our isolation and intense sanctions routine aren’t having the desired results we’d hope to see.  For one thing, sanctions are hurting the people more than it hurts the regime. Instead of making life harder for the Khamenei’s and Ahmadinejad’s of the world, sanctions are making it more difficult for people to get medical supplies. Cancer patients have barely any access to the necessary medicine to help with their illness (click here).

How are these people a threat to the international community’s national security? Instead, sanctions are victimizing people who have no say in the regime’s nuclear policies.

Furthermore, now that the value of currency in Iran has dropped literally below the point of any value, people are having a difficult time buying daily household necessities, like MILK. Fars News Agency reported that the consumption of milk has decreased by 20 percent as a result of high prices.

That makes sense – Iranians might build a nuclear weapon, so let’s put them at risk for osteoporosis!

I don’t understand the isolation strategy…

Why wouldn’t we want to talk to the people who are the unhappiest with us? Or the people who threaten us? Why wouldn’t we engage them so we can find a solution?

And okay, if the government is just “too crazy” to make any sort of substantial headway with through dialogue – then why aren’t we engaging the people? The next generation of Iranians who have already proven to be both both educated and opinionated?

fillmSanctions are supposedly an effort to mobilize the people to stand up to their oppression (or their government), right? But how are Iranians supposed to do that when they can’t afford everyday household items? Or when every political opposition leader that they’ve had in the last four years sits under house arrest?

Additionally, a  new round of sanctions have been passed that ban intellectuals from publishing their findings in scientific journals. Yes, let’s silence the intellectual community of Iranians and continue to allow the regime to have a voice in the media.

We expect people to find a way to gain access to information without helping them. We expect people to SPEAK OUT without allowing them the platform to do it. How can we expect change when we discourage it through our policy?

In the U.S., we preach the importance of democracy, and the values and human rights that democracy provides citizens. We exemplify to the world that democracy is the model form of governance. In fact, we even hope for established democracies in countries like Egypt, Iraq, and Iran. However, sanctions steal the citizen’s basic human rights. Iranians suffer from censorship and the lack of basic needs like dairy products or medicine.

We should be working with the people of the country – equipping them with the right tools to not only, survive but to have a voice. 

And while many of us don’t have the power to create change immediately, we all have a voice – it’s easy to forget those who are suffering when we are mad or when it doesn’t affect us directly. But we need to make sure the unheard voices are loud and clear for the rest of the world.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON

PleaseDONTSanctionME,

FARRAH فرح
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There’s a Person Under This Beard

So I have a beard. No, I had a beard. Let me explain. I play around with my facial hair. It’s a way for me to change it up and have a good time. Girls do things with their hair. I recently heard the term “side bangs”. Me, I like to change it up on my face from time to time.

Will I enjoy sporting my moustache in different manners, I decided to grow my beard back out. Being as I am a Persian man, and I have more hair on my buttocks than most people on their head, before the week’s end I was looking like the Oxi clean guy.

oxi That’s when the recurring issue happened every time I grow my beard.

“You look like a terrorist.” In a span of about 21 days, I heard dozens of alterations of that sentence.

“You look dangerous,” 

“You look scary,”

“You look like you’re going to blow something up.”

I tell you it is non-conditional.

My friend, who happens to be sefeed (Trans: vaait. Trans: white) also has a pretty thick set beard. What comments does he get?

“Sick beard bro!” “You look like a lumberjack!” “What a hipster beard”.

I asked him what’s the worst thing someone told you. He said someone told him he looked like a “bum.” Continue reading

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I Care Less About Beauty, I Just Want Pizza

Hey joons,

It’s been awhile – but I hope you’ve all had a chance to enjoy our wonderful new writers. They’re amaze-balls (I learned that word from Saaghi) and their posts rock so make sure you check it out. :)

Moving on …

I have a bone to pick with my fellow female joons – while I’m sure many men have similar qualities, I’m taking a little break from men right now (or rather, they’re taking a break from me…).

Women are continuously referred to as bossy and more emotional – we’re constantly fighting against the stereotype that our actions are somehow “weaker” than men’s.

Yet despite these fight backs, there are so many times that we embody the exact version of ourselves that we claim not to be.

pradaLet me give you a few examples:

1. The Damsel in Distress:

These dames aren’t just asking for help – they’re whining for it: “I don’t get it. Can you just do it for meeee?”

Omggg I can’t figure out what’s wrong with the printer… Help meeee.

I’ll be honest – I’m guilty of asking for help with the printer. Why can’t it just work all the time?

But personally, I think damsels are just lazy people. Are you really telling me that you can’t read an instruction manual? Continue reading

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Grabbing Balls

I recently read a “scientific” study that attempted to explain why, despite all the resistance to street harassment, “men” simply refuse to consider catcalls a serious problem. According to this report, some forlorn biological characteristic renders sexual attention, both sought and unsought for, appealing to men. For this reason, they argue, men don’t find street harassment and catcalls a problem despite the zillions of women explaining that it is.

far

Well, if this is science, and scientific explanations are the root of modernity, then I’m sure the majority of us would much rather remain primitive. Indeed, the past few weeks have showed how much women, and normal men, have rejected all excuses for sexual violence.

In case anyone has missed it, April was sexual violence awareness month.

On April 7th-13th, social media was buzzing with news and views about how women of the world may finally be able to walk about their streets in safety. Movements offline in the form of street protests also made an impressive show of their resistance to street harassment.

Perhaps what is more evident now than any other time is the fact, and yes it is a FACT, that sexual violence knows no borders, cultures or religion.

So next time someone tells you that harassment and rape are a “third world”, “Arab”, “South Asian” or “Muslim” phenomenon, you know that is absolute bullshit.

rape

Yet despite the existence of these inspiring movements around the world, the fact remains that until now, no form of protest seems capable of reducing the skyrocketing rates of sexual violence. Hell, we even have projects dedicated to “teaching men not to rape now” as a last desperate resort.

Which is why I will get back to my-cough- scientific study, and propose an experiment.

If men allegedly find unwanted sexual attention appealing, consider the following:

How many times have we as women, heard men exclaim, “I love pussy!” as they attempted one physical move or another while we walk past? What could happen if we in turn, started grabbing every guy’s balls as he walked past and told him that we all now “love balls”? Continue reading

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You Should Message Me If…

Hey joons,

I’m 26 years old – I’m officially inching towards my upper 20′s, and straddling the line between marriage and “torshideh” – any day now my mom is going to ask me to move in with her because I’m past my prime for a husband.

My parents are always hesitant to ask me about dating. They know I’m going to reply with that exasperated sigh and an annoyed “stop asking me stupid questions” response.

Part of me hates getting their hopes up if I am seeing someone and the other part hates hearing their obvious disappointment if I’m not seeing someone.

It’s a lose-lose situation.

khloeBut of course, when it comes to the future of my love life, they don’t really care about their aberoo - they always find a way to slip it in with every phone conversation.

Their voice drops three octaves lower and they say,

So azizam, are you seeing any-vone?”  Continue reading

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Dating Disaster FOBS

Joons – this has been an exciting week. First, we introduced the wonderful Yasmine with her first post (click here). Tonight, we have another joon to introduce you to – Souraya. Check out her first post below and welcome her to the S&F fam. 

You are an Iranian-American girl, and meeting someone who shares the same culture sounds really appealing at first until you realize you’ve entered a drama web full of lost in translation exchanges. Those Farsi terms of endearment this FOB (Fresh off the Boat) guy is using go right over your head too.

Man jigharet o mikhoram.

What? You want to eat my liver? That sounds gross.

FOBs are another breed of man. They have a mix of traditional views on dating, while also claiming that they have “assimilated,” when they really exclusively date and hang out with other Iranians. I must say that I am describing the most stereotypical FOB guys, who want to put behind their baggage of dating in Iran, but can’t get over the cultural expectations that an Iranian girl should be pure, prude, passive, and a pushover that they can control.

hate

At first FOB guys woe you in with how much they know about Iranian culture and how sensitive and in touch with their emotions they can be, but I quickly realized that this was a mask for their manipulation, drama, and possessiveness.

They have this idea that when they meet a girl they are supposed to know they love them right away.

You know like back in the day when they drove around the streets of Tehran, spotted an Iranian beauty, and it was love at first sight. Continue reading

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The ManWhore

Joonies – we’re introducing our lovely Egyptian writer Yasmine. Yasmine’s a reader, political thinker, and an-all around intelligent woman. Enjoy!

I recently had a conversation with a guy who thought he was being smart when, as he complained about his love life, exclaimed,

“Each time I run into one of these whores and she acts like she doesn’t know me, I just want to tell her, ‘bitch I’ve seen you naked!’”

My eyebrows may have well reached my hairline in shock as I sat listening to this buffoon complain about the amount of “cheap lays” he encountered. Had I been able to get a grip on my nerves, I would have told him that any girl in her right mind would certainly have full rights to disown him. More importantly however, I would have asked him a question that I feel ought to be asked to be generally addressed by many of us…

how do we find it acceptable to refer to women as whores within a conversation in which a male speaker demonstrates obvious whorish tendencies?

I hear many guys boast about their sexual records and each time I find it hard to understand how they have the guts to then call women whores.

whores

 I am quite sure that many of you have overheard conversations with similar lines to the one above. Moreover, the Internet is flooded with “bitches (and hoes) be like” memes. Facebook too, continues to harbor many “hoe detection” pages. So why is it that men can admittedly boast of a hundred plus affairs and get away with it?

Worse still, when the word “manwhore” is used, it is often said in a teasing tone meant to enforce the impressiveness of the man’s sexual accomplishments. Continue reading

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What A Bad Boy

Joons,

I can practically feel spring and Norouz – unfortunately, I live too far away from my parents to bask in their Norouz festivities (and pocket change), but I can enjoy my pet goldfish nonetheless.

On the East Coast – spring is amazing. You stop wearing what feels like 5000 layers, you can actually feel heat from the sun, the flowers are pretty. It’s a great time of year (for two weeks… then it’s f#cking hot). When it’s spring, you no longer experience anxiety about leaving the house because of the ridiculous cold. It’s the time where you can enjoy being active and you can fantasize about what the day holds.

Clearly, I dream about when this day will come often. But despite my fantasies about the cute sandals and pretty sundress I’ll wear, I take a completely different approach when it comes to sex.

I can dream about the most mundane things. But when it comes to sex, I can’t imagine anything other than the reality.

And the reality is, I’ll probably wear a total of one dress this summer and after two weeks, I’ll start bitching about the humidity.

humid

For some reasons, one of the top 10 questions guys ask when they get all personal (and if they’re ballsy) is: what’s your fantasy?  Continue reading

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I’m A Lady

Hey joonams,

I’ve been especially sickly this week so please excuse any random mutterings below. But in my defense, I had a pretty confusing week/end.

Let me start from the beginning… 

On Friday night, I met up with my ex and his best friend at a party – my ex leaves the party early without his friend … and the night proceeds with drinks and dancing. Suddenly, we’re making out (me and the friend) – no readiness, no expectations, it was probably just the booze taking over our brains (and grasp of common sense). And he just kept saying to me, “Don’t worry your ex won’t care.”

betI woke up the next morning just horrified – that “oh f#ck” moment you have when you wake up after drinking too much and start getting hit with flashbacks from the night before.

I was disgusted for not making the more responsible decision and I was disgusted with him for trying to convince me it was okay. It was mortifying and all I wanted to do was forget it ever happened (and never see either of them again). 

Of course, way easier said than done – especially when you all live in a tiny, incestuous city. But all I really wanted was for the friend to text me like he said he would, so I could end the situation:

Listen, I don’t think this is such a good idea. K thanks. 

I wasn’t sure if he would actually text me…

But I knew that I wouldn’t be the first to text him… because guys are always expected to text first. That’s what the rules are according to our society.

bm

When girls give out their phone number to some guy they meet – they usually wait for that guy to contact them first. We wait for the stupid 3 day rule to pass and if we don’t hear from them by then – we let go.

Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule – but ultimately, this is the game we all play.

I felt like if my ex’s friend didn’t text me then this whole fiasco was ending on HIS terms … because based on our gender roles, it’s fact that I wouldn’t contact him first. (Obviously, this whole inner conflict also has to do with some major pride issues, but we can talk about that another time).

But discussing this with a friend, he brought up the fact that if no one has contacted the other – it ends on no one’s terms.

Furthermore, he asked if I’m so “pro-women” and equal rights, then why do I let gender roles define my social life? Continue reading

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Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

Hi Joonies.

Every time I blog, I rack my brain of something really witty to start a post off with. I can’t say it ever really works, but I’m just going to leave it to someone waaay more talented to give me an intro:

There are three things I value most in life:

1. My Family

2. Flaming Hot Cheetos

3. My Friends, a.k.a. Meth

(Sorry guys, Chester Cheeto has been there for me through errrthang)

I have all different sorts of Meth –tall, short, persian, not persian, etc. I love them all to pieces. And they’re all different types of crazy.  But what I’ve learned the hard way is:

Crazy is a much better adjective than Toxic.

I’ve had a few of those Poisonous Frenemies in my life, and I’m sure I’ll come across a few more. Unfortunately, it is the curse of friendship, you get a few bad eggs every season. Now, I have to point out that the difference between a BAD friend and a Toxic friend is very clear:

A Bad Friend is bad at friendship, a toxic friend makes friendship bad for you.

A Bad Friend is:

- Unreliable, Flaky, Selfish, A bad listener & Oblivious

But they’re not malicious. A bad friend is that one friend you have that you know

always talks about herself and her problems, and looks off into the sky when it is your chance to talk.

I usually have bad friends out of unfortunate or forced circumstances: work, family, mutual connection etc.

A Toxic Friend is:

- Jealous, Competitive, Insecure, Unhappy & Conniving

If a person possesses 4/5 above qualities, you won’t catch me near them–even with a ten foot pole.

Misery loves company, and those people really want you to join them. Continue reading

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