Category Archives: Douche of the Week

Jan 29 2013
1 Comment
Douche of the Week, Farrah, Shut the Front Door, What the F

Will You Be My Pumpkin?

Hi joonams,

It’s harder for me to fake enthusiasm for Tuesdays (the day after Monday… the day that keeps me from getting to halfway through the week) than it is for me to fake orgasms, but you do what you have to do. And that’s just life. You live and you learn.

Not to sound too redundant here, but I’m super excited/SO PROUD of my Saaghi jooooon for getting her baby up and running this past weekend – have you checked it out yet?! SHOPJOON IS THE BESTEST.  I love it because personally, those shirts look sooo cute on me ;) More photos to come so hope you’re all ready! And if you’ve ordered a shirt – send us a photo wearing it because we definitely want to see our joonies sporting the goodies.

ANY-VAY, I’m slowly creeping up on my 2 year anniversary living in D.C. (next month yo), and the past few days it’s forced me to reflect a lot on what my expectations were when I first got here and how I’ve changed.

GOD I miss warm weather

GOD I miss warm weather

I met up with a new DC transplant this past weekend and he asked me, “Do you think DC has changed you?” And I didn’t even have to think twice about my answer:

Every city and state are different. And for me, wherever I’ve lived – I’ve had to grow stronger and taller – I had to adapt in order to survive.

I grew up in a sheltered bubble. My hometown has one high school, and it was the type of CALI-living town where you would go to Downtown and run into half of your high school. Leaving the house without makeup on was never an option because I would inevitably see someone I knew.

And Persians are all about their image – so there was no way I’d never look not cute (except for when I was going through puberty… good God).  At 18, I really thought I had figured it all out – the “secret to life.” No one could tell me what to do and I’d never been given an answer that I didn’t like.

But then I moved to L.A. and it was just one reality check after another. I was screwed over by people I trusted in a way that I’d never thought possible. And my instant reaction was to cry about it and hide in my studio apartment, afraid to show my face to the world. I thought something was wrong with me – and that’s why people hurt me.

Living in LA – I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to speak my mind when people hurt me, and I learned the importance of letting loose and having fun – with the right people. Continue reading →

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Dec 11 2012
10 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah

I Believe Therefore I Am

JOONS,

Read my last post? Things were getting a little cray in the comments section (click here).

I dont intend to dedicate an entire post to my response but I think it’s time that maybe I just set some records straight – tell you all my opinion/beliefs.

Negative comments are hard – at the end of the day, Saaghi and I are only human. And while we encourage people to share their opinions, sometimes it hurts.  But we knew what we got ourselves into and we are so lucky to even have this blog and the people who read it — whether they like it or not.

You don’t have to agree with what we write — as long as you read it.

I didn’t ask to be a woman.  I didn’t ask to be Iranian.

I was born this way. I am an Iranian American woman and I refuse to claim otherwise.

I can’t imagine being someone different.

iri

I was born into a set of expectations – cooker, mother, submissive.  

I was born into the usual gender stereotypes where women are inferior to men.  My parents talked about my wedding like it would be the most pivotal moment in my life.  My accomplishments were supposed to be based on my ability to cook ghormeh sabzi without using a microwave and my tactics in safeguarding my virginity for the one. 

Sorry but — I don’t believe that those factors define an Iranian woman. 

A woman is a human with a vagina. A man is a human with a penis.

It took a long time (and a lot of fighting) for me to reach that conclusion.

But I believe that we are all individuals and only we can define what that means for OURSELVES.  Continue reading →

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Dec 03 2012
18 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, What the F

My DooDool Is Made of Gold

Hey Joonies,

It’s been a long day.  I’m tired. I just went on a cleaning rampage and now I feel like my entire body reeks of bleach. But shit needs to get done – ya feel me?

All I want to do tonight is relax and laugh.  

I’m going to pretend like I wasn’t planning to go for a run tonight – ugh why is running so hard? Better question is, why is it so much easier to eat something like this:

cupcakwe

Bomb

My type in food is … NO DISCRIMINATION – I love it all – minus the weird stuff, like cow tongue, cow BALLS, kalehpacheh, and all the weird shit our culture claims is okay to eat.

When it comes to dating, my type is starting to become more of a disappointment/ball buster than a night well spent.

I have a tendency to go for the unemployed, douchey, mama’s boys.

I’m not really sure what the appeal is in that — wish I could say that they’re really packing it (if ya know what I mean). But the reality is they’re equally lacking in that area.

#khaktosarem / #mommyissues?

Men who don’t have a lot to offer have a tendency to overcompensate in an effort to hide their true colors until you’re hooked. Continue reading →

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Oct 30 2012
13 Comments
Douche of the Week, Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon

The Wolf Trap

Hey joonies, 

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a guest post and what better way to kick off the eve of HUMP DAY than with a very special post from one of our readers.  This post combines all of our favorite things: social media, relationships, and doodool-talas.  Enjoy and drop her a line in the comments!

I think its the curse of being brown that most men especially your typical brown Pakistani men (I will talk about my own males because I am blessed with God gifted rights to railroad them) think that they can literally walk over you.

They can get to know you in the name of friendship, play with you, treat you like shit and when they are all done, their arrogant ass can throw you away.

Most of the time, they prefer that you will stick to them inspite of the emotional abuse that they are throwing at you (after all, you wouldnt be a faithful partner/girlfriend, if you didnt right?).

It’s hard-wired in their brains that all Paki chicks – especially the ones who live in the West, live independent lives, go to school, and have successful careers – are actually “whores.” Continue reading →

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Oct 29 2012
5 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Torshideh and Desperate

We Play By My Rules

Joon joons,

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, I’ve been quarantined off to my room for the past day (and tomorrow).  Crazy wind and rain got nothing on me – I’m still kicking. To all our readers on the East Coast — stay safe and dry.  Sandy can’t touch this.

I’m not really a fan of break-ups.  For obvious reasons, I’m sure most of us aren’t. If I’m the one who wants to do the dumping, I will do everything in my power to avoid it and encourage the other person to do it for me.  I’m so mature, clearly.

My go-to move: “let’s take a break” in hopes that in those few days, the guy will come to his senses.  That rarely happens.

Honesty is always the best policy.

The one time I was dumped when it wasn’t on my terms – it devastated me.  Love was never really a factor and my lack of worthy relationship experience didn’t really prepare me for what followed the breakup.

I turned into one of those girls that I’d always looked down at — crying constantly…

I started my job the day after he dumped me so having to be the “new girl” with a fake smile on my face was probably one of the hardest things in my first few weeks of work.  I couldn’t eat my lunch, I would escape to the bathroom to keep tears from falling in front of everyone, and I cried everyday on the metro back home after work.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that — sometimes you just have to purge out your pain but…

The real world isn’t going to wait for you to sulk over your ex-boyfriend. Continue reading →

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Sep 17 2012
31 Comments
Arab Money, Douche of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, What the F

Islamophobia Can Suck It.

JOONS.

The way I feel about religion is the way I feel about myself during Puberty. Hate it, but can’t pretend it never happened.

I was raised Muslim. I have issues with the religion, I’m not practicing but there is no doubt that my blood is as Islamic as it gets… you can take a look at my family tree, if you know what I mean.

And for years now, I’ve been observing Islamophobia– passively. I’m not a hijabi,  I can conceal my religious heritage.  And while I’ve never denied being a Muslim, I sure have conveniently left it out of conversations.

Villifying ‘Muslims’, as you know, condemns all Muslims regardless of where they fall on the spectrum of extremism to laissez faire. These past few days, have just been a little too much for me. The movie, Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s article, the protests…

is it an Islamic Awakening, or is the AntiChrist coming?

Either way, many of us kids who grew up with a pretty significant amount of Islamic influence know that

Islam is a religion, but religion is culture. Continue reading →

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Sep 16 2012
2 Comments
Douche of the Week, Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Shitshows, What the F

It Really Hurt When I Fell From Heaven

JOONS.

It’s Sunday night.  By the time I finish writing this post, I have to get ready for work tomorrow, so excuse me while I take my time.

This post is for the boys though I’m certain the ladies will definitely have some input on this one so please don’t be shy.

I don’t know if it’s because the humidity has stopped and I’m not sweating through the day anymore or WHATthef#ck is in the air these days, but I’ve been getting a little more attention than normal lately.  It’s probably because all the less psycho girls are taken- NOT that I like to complain about getting hit on… but it’s a bit much.

Especially when guys use lines like…

“Are you a model?”

Um I’m 5’3″ bitch, thanks for rubbing it in.

Just another day in MY life (clearly)

Look I get it… dating is hard and you have to be creative when it comes to meeting people.  And sure, sometimes its nerve-wracking to think of something witty to say to get the girl’s attention.

I understand the pressure guys have to deal with if they want to approach a random girl (just be happy you don’t have to give birth). Continue reading →

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Aug 31 2012
1 Comment
Douche of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What the F

Frat Life & Fessenjoon

Time for another guest post,  but this time- from a male perspective. We talk about persian boys and frat boys too much on this blog, so why not hear it straight from one of the BROs:

College: The utopian playground of any barely-legal male.

The beauty of such an institution rests solely in what you make of your experience there. From the first day I set foot on my university campus, I decided I was going to go big or go home.

My idea of a college experience, however, differs greatly from the idea that my parents had in mind.

Continue reading →

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Jul 08 2012
7 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, Torshideh and Desperate

I’m Burning

Hey joonies, 

We have a special post from one of our favorite guest bloggers today- you might remember her from past HILARIOUS posts, DOOZY FAB.  She’s best known for telling men to “manscape” and calling random girls out for being hoe-ish.  You can check out her OWN blog at www.doozyfab.com. 

Doozy’s at it again!  Enjoyyy and let her know what you think in the comments section: 

“Besooz me once, shame on you.  Besooz me twice, shame on me.” 

Pesars: Read at your own risk.  You’ll probably get offended.

Dokhtars:  This really is for your own good.

Here’s a little “kabob for thought:”

“I’ll start letting my guard down when people stop giving me reasons to keep it up.”

Continue reading →

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Jun 20 2012
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Douche of the Week, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What your momma didn't tell you

A Stage Five Virgin Clinger?

Joonies, Farrah really imparted some Royal Wisdom, yesterday. I even took note, so make sure you read before you continue man-hunting.

As for me, last I left you guys I complained that my virginity is not a challenge. But as one witty comment put it: “*WAS.”

My Virginity Was Not  A Challenge.

I finally figured out what a penis was (outside of a banana), and realized oral sex wasn’t just a prostitute-thing.

In the end, I had sex, and I didn’t castrate the guy afterwards. Or have my hymen reconstructed.   Continue reading →

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