Filed under Fetish …

Sep 02 2012
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Fetish, Joon, Last Night, Saaghi

& The Oscar Goes To…

Hello Joonies,

Happy Labor Day Weekend: a holiday that’s lost its historical significance, but we shop and party hard for it anyway.

As for myself, I didn’t really shop (that’s a lie, I’m an addict) or party– but I did think about sex a lot. Because I haven’t been having any…and while that’s a tragic topic on its own, I was thinking more about

Faking Orgasms.

I know it seems I’m getting a little ahead of myself since I have no one to fake it with, but that’s exactly why I wanted to write about this. Sex and Orgasms have become two very different dry spells:

 I’ve been having real O’s courtesy of my little friend — and I can have it whenever, wherever (no, not at work). With sex, its not as convenient, and definitely not as much of a guarantee.  Here comes the earth-shattering fact of the day: Not every woman orgasms from sex..every time.

While for every girl that may seem like old news, there are a lot of guys who think “but she’s never been with me”. Especially Persian doodool-talas. I mean, it is made of gold…

Every persian guy thinks he’s going to be the golden doodool to rock your world.

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Jul 20 2012
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Fetish, Joon, Weekend Winning

Flaming Hot Cheetos is always the answer.

Its time to get real. I know I said you Joonies could meet my parents, but this is an even more intimate relationship

Cause it’s ME + Flaming Hot Cheetos,Til Death Do Us Part.

But do you know why that is?

Because it is the snack of champions. Eff Wheaties, if you can eat them on a drive, WITHOUT water, you’ve got it in you. & FlamingHotCheetos (FHC-i use a lot of acronyms during the day, here’s another to add to the list)- is also about the American dream: Did you know the idea for this snack came from a janitor in the Frito-Lay company?

Thank you, Richard Montanez.

But before you guys sign off cause SAAGHI’s gone batshitcray, I want to emphasize something else I love about FHC: how it made me BFFs with all my…BFFs.

Now, maybe some of you don’t champion the Cheeto (try it with FAGE, and die ). Maybe you like the Lays, maybe you like the FROYO, or maybe you’re all about Cheesecake.

Food Brings Girls Together.

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Jun 28 2012
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Arab Obsession, Farrah, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Shitshows, What the F

Put A Cookie in the Douchebag Jar

Hi JOOOONIES,

T-1 day TILL FRIDAYYY.  Can’t be more excited.  I’ve been having major writer’s block this week…

There’s only so much sex I can have– and so many of those stories worth telling.

We’ve heard it all– the bad dates, the cocky guys aka the usual walking disasters I seem to be interacting with on a daily basis.

Bad dates aren’t hard to come by, actually it’s the good dates that rarely ever seem to happen for me.  I’ve experienced it all: cocky assholes, workaholics, cocky, shy, cocky, cocky, cocky.  And for many of us (like me), the time to say goodbye can’t come fast enough.

Unless they surprise you with that super awkward kiss attack– and then you both end up having to walk the same route to get home… FML, worst possible case scenario, happens WAY TOO OFTEN.  

ew

But there’s only so much damage a guy can do during the date.  Sometimes, it’s the aftermath that really f#cks it up.

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with this guy from work.  He was fun to talk to in the elevator– so when he suggested Persian food for dinner, how could I resist?

*Please note: he was NOT Persian… Armenian Lebanese– everything my dad would disapprove of… which made him that much more appealing.

There’s something about tall, dark and handsome I just can’t resist…

…And mix that in with some chelo kabob– I’m done.  Sold.  All yours.  Not much room to mess that up, if you ask me.

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Jun 26 2012
6 Comments
Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Joon, Saaghi

“That’s A Hook, Retard!”

JOONS. I’ve been feeling all kinds of weird lately: I’m in withdrawals from my meth addiction, and usually Flaming HOT Cheetos & Mast-moosir (yogurt-n-Shallots) solves all my problems, but I can’t even enjoy that quickfix because its summer, and:

#FML.  But then, Farrah sent me a video, that had me all like:

Why? Cause I realized, I can roll with life’s punches—

“I’M CUT FROM LEATHER, NOT SUEDE”.

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Jun 20 2012
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Douche of the Week, NAStY HAAwT, Give it to me, What your momma didn't tell you, Fetish, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Saaghi

A Stage Five Virgin Clinger?

Joonies, Farrah really imparted some Royal Wisdom, yesterday. I even took note, so make sure you read before you continue man-hunting.

As for me, last I left you guys I complained that my virginity is not a challenge. But as one witty comment put it: “*WAS.”

My Virginity Was Not  A Challenge.

I finally figured out what a penis was (outside of a banana), and realized oral sex wasn’t just a prostitute-thing.

In the end, I had sex, and I didn’t castrate the guy afterwards. Or have my hymen reconstructed.   Continue reading →

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Jun 12 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Fetish, Give it to me, Joon, Saaghi, Shut the Front Door, What the F

Breaking Up is Half the Fun.

JOONIES.

I tried working out, instead I busted out my laptop and started writing this post–gymblogging–the best excuse not to run that mile.

My sense of urgency doesn’t come as much from the muscle cramps, as it does from the fact that I am so frustrated….with MEN. Especially the Persian kind. I know, I know–what’s new, right? Another female blogger venting about how single she is, another Persian girl bitching about Persian men.

We’ve all heard this before, and you’re all probably thinking– get rid of the laptop, the cat, and move the fuck on.

image

NO. I absolutely will not, because I am fed up. Fed up, and most importantly: BORED.

Is it too much to ask for to meet someone a little interesting? Someone  with something new up their sleeve?

Please, someone SCREW me over in a way that will actually surprise me.

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Jun 11 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Fetish, Joon, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

Jungle Fever > Baby Fever

JOONIEEEES.

Happy Monday!  I’m sure you’re all as excited as I am to start the week.  No really, for once I’m not hating on Monday because T-4 days till the weekend baby!

Anyway, I know here at S&F, we talk a lot about Persian parents and obviously sex.  But I’m over it.  I’ve decided no more sex for me… and no more parents…

Lies… where would I be without my crazy parents and crazy sex?   Continue reading →

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Jun 07 2012
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Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Joon, Saaghi, Weekend Winning

I’m A Dope B*tch.

Thirsty Thursday!

I hope some of you guys are going out, and enjoying yourselves- because I’m sitting at home. It’s one of those days where the thought of looking aadam (human) or even remotely nice enough to go out in public, seriously distresses me. So I’ll be watching Mob movies, pining away after Al Pacino.

Michael Corleone is perfection.

Onto something less boring.

Anyone who knows me , knows I have some addictions:

to good meth, to good music, and to great sex. Unfortunately, all three are hard to come by.

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May 02 2012
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Persian Dad, Torshideh and Desperate

I Want To Taste All The Colors of the Rainbow

Hey joonies,

I feel the need to start this post off by really showcasing my stupidity.  Being lazy at work now that my project wrapped up is one thing, but eating expired yogurt takes on a whole new level of dumbass-ness.  Whatever, you live and you learn.  Make sure you always check your shit.

I had an epiphany the other day.  I always make this huge deal about how I never do what my parents tell me and I always make an effort to choose the other path (click here) and then I suddenly realized that when it comes to dating…

My parents have me wrapped around their Persian-manipulative fingers.

Continue reading →

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Apr 30 2012
4 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Do Me Right

Hey JOONIES,

We want to apologize for being MIA for a few days– we promise that will never happen again.

Regardless, we hope our joonies had a fabulous weekend- ours was a little stressful with our life responsibilities back to slap us in the face, but now that it’s under control (kinda)- we’re back and we have something fun to discuss for tonight.

One night stands.

You either love them or you’re the kind of person who judges others for basking in them. 

At least before you die...

I have mixed feelings about it.  I’m a pretty big believer in not having sex unless you’re in a relationship and there are a few reasons for that:

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