Category Archives: Give it to me

Apr 23 2013
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Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Secondary Virgin

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Introducing Leila – half Egyptian, half European – the newest addition to our team! Give her some joooooon love! 

When it comes to claiming that things are universal, it’s always good to be careful. But one thing that seems to be almost everywhere is the infamous double standard when it comes to men, women and sex. Now some places and people are more open to sexual experiences than others, but the thing that seems to be the same no matter where, who and when is this:

it’s good for men to be sexually experienced, and bad for women.

Now that’s obviously a simplification but I seriously can’t think of a single person who hasn’t—at some point or another—believed in this! In fact it’s so pervasive that it’s unconsciously accepted by so many of us.

pie

In Egypt, this particular belief expresses itself in society’s obsession with The Virgin Woman. Virginity is such an important part of a woman that people will literally go out of their ways to find creative ways of having sex without it “showing” when they get married.

From non-penetrative sex to hymen reconstruction surgeries, there seem to be endless methods that ensure a woman will look and feel like a virgin on her wedding night. Continue reading →

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Apr 17 2013
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Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon

The Best Advice is No Advice At All

One of my biggest pet peeves is when friends in relationships turn to me and assure me to “not worry” and that I will “find someone.”

The same goes with any advice columns in women’s magazines that prey on women and girls’ insecurities. They proceed to tell me all the things I ‘m doing wrong, and all the ways in which I could change myself so that I can meet that special person.

I’ve heard my fair share of advice on how to meet guys.  EVERY SINGLE piece of “advice” about how to meet guys and what I should do to meet that someone special that I can swab spit with regularly.

After hearing all of this, I can safely say that all of these morsels of “truth” are bullshit.

cosmo Be Confident:

How many times have you heard that girls have to be confident to get a guy?

I’m all for girls being confident and working on their self-esteem, but for themselves, not for a guy.

Plus, this is absolute BULL SHIT. I’ve lost count of the number of immature, self conscious, and oblivious girls that have boyfriends lining up for them. You probably know at least one girl who is a mess, lacks self-esteem, but somehow has a boyfriend.

 You are intimidating:

I was once told that I should be more docile so that men don’t feel intimidated by me. To this piece of useless advice I say: FUCK YOU.  If being in a relationship is more important than being comfortable in my own strength and who I am, then I don’t want a relationship.

If a guy is so sensitive that he cannot take a woman with goals and opinions because it makes him feel like he is losing his man-hood, then I don’t need his bullshit. Continue reading →

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Apr 10 2013
5 Comments
Douche of the Week, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon

The ManWhore

Joonies – we’re introducing our lovely Egyptian writer Yasmine. Yasmine’s a reader, political thinker, and an-all around intelligent woman. Enjoy!

I recently had a conversation with a guy who thought he was being smart when, as he complained about his love life, exclaimed,

“Each time I run into one of these whores and she acts like she doesn’t know me, I just want to tell her, ‘bitch I’ve seen you naked!’”

My eyebrows may have well reached my hairline in shock as I sat listening to this buffoon complain about the amount of “cheap lays” he encountered. Had I been able to get a grip on my nerves, I would have told him that any girl in her right mind would certainly have full rights to disown him. More importantly however, I would have asked him a question that I feel ought to be asked to be generally addressed by many of us…

how do we find it acceptable to refer to women as whores within a conversation in which a male speaker demonstrates obvious whorish tendencies?

I hear many guys boast about their sexual records and each time I find it hard to understand how they have the guts to then call women whores.

whores

 I am quite sure that many of you have overheard conversations with similar lines to the one above. Moreover, the Internet is flooded with “bitches (and hoes) be like” memes. Facebook too, continues to harbor many “hoe detection” pages. So why is it that men can admittedly boast of a hundred plus affairs and get away with it?

Worse still, when the word “manwhore” is used, it is often said in a teasing tone meant to enforce the impressiveness of the man’s sexual accomplishments. Continue reading →

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Apr 08 2013
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Torshideh

F#ck Your Morals

Hi joons,

It’s been awhile huh – and finally, spring is here. For the first time in what feels like forever … I can go outside without a jacket. Thank you, Mother Nature.

By the looks of things, I’m not the only one soaking in the spring sun. Women all around the world are baring their money-makers to make a statement. (you should all urban dictionary “breasts”… chesticles anyone?)

Vladimir Putin is so down

Vladimir Putin is so down

Femen is a feminist Ukrainian-based group who protest issues like sexism, religion, etc. by letting it all hang free. What better way to catch attention – show men what they would typically pay for either with dinner or at the strip club.

They’re definitely making headlines, for obvious reasons. And with their latest display against Islam – women all over the world are responding to Femen’s message.

femen

I believe in the right to protest, to voice opinions. I do not believe I have to fuck your morals to earn equality. Continue reading →

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Mar 15 2013
5 Comments
Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon

Wonder Bread Addiction

My first crush, at five, was John Smith. Yes, I’m talking about John Smith from Pocahontas. The first person I wanted to marry was Harrison Ford- I used to watch Indiana Jones movies obsessively. After realizing that the last 5 guys I had dated/hooked up with were all white, light hair, with light eyes, it dawned on me:

I have a soft spot for the white dudes.

My Irooni friends constantly make fun of me for my tendency for the blonde, blue-eyed dudes, one even calls it my “wonder bread addiction.” What makes white boys (aka “wonderbread”) fun to date compared to Persian guys?

1.  They are attracted to you:

Everyone wants to feel special, when your culture and background is something a guy doesn’t know about, suddenly there is a lot more he can ask and get to know about you.

Mundane things, like talking to your mom over the phone in Farsi about a doctor’s appointment, will sound sexy to a guy who has no idea what you are saying.

Teaching him about your culture, introducing him to Iranian food, and talking about different traditions is a fun way to get to know someone. Feeling desired and special is a huge turn on (and a bit addictive), and if a guy respects you enough to learn about you and your culture, then why not use it to have fun?

2· No Drama:

Persian Girls get a bad rep for having gossip and drama ridden lives. Why don’t we ever talk about all the gossip that happens between Persian guys? From having their egos bruised easily, to getting into feuds with friends over ridiculous things. No thank you.

3· Can you relax?

I’m a pretty laid back girl, I don’t need to go to fancy restaurants or clubs to have a good time. While some Persian guys will throw a fit if their water doesn’t have ice, American guys can just relax. Want to go camping? They will take you camping, can you imagine if some of the Persian guys you know went camping? He would bring his hair gel and moisturizers.

His overpowering cologne would attract all the bears to the tent. Continue reading →

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Mar 13 2013
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, NAStY HAAwT

What A Bad Boy

Joons,

I can practically feel spring and Norouz – unfortunately, I live too far away from my parents to bask in their Norouz festivities (and pocket change), but I can enjoy my pet goldfish nonetheless.

On the East Coast – spring is amazing. You stop wearing what feels like 5000 layers, you can actually feel heat from the sun, the flowers are pretty. It’s a great time of year (for two weeks… then it’s f#cking hot). When it’s spring, you no longer experience anxiety about leaving the house because of the ridiculous cold. It’s the time where you can enjoy being active and you can fantasize about what the day holds.

Clearly, I dream about when this day will come often. But despite my fantasies about the cute sandals and pretty sundress I’ll wear, I take a completely different approach when it comes to sex.

I can dream about the most mundane things. But when it comes to sex, I can’t imagine anything other than the reality.

And the reality is, I’ll probably wear a total of one dress this summer and after two weeks, I’ll start bitching about the humidity.

humid

For some reasons, one of the top 10 questions guys ask when they get all personal (and if they’re ballsy) is: what’s your fantasy?  Continue reading →

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Mar 05 2013
10 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

My Persian Mom Went Through My Stuff and Found…

A recent email from a Sweet Joonie with a Sour Problem. (Like Fessenjoon!)

Ok, we won’t quit blogging for comedy. But we gave her good enough advice that she allowed us to share her plight with the world, in hopes that maybe we could garner some more good insight!….

Hey girls,

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog and how much insight I get by reading it. With that said, I’ve run into a bit of a problem recently and would love to get some advice from you.

I am a 20 year old college student living on my own.

My parents live just about 15 minutes away from me. Yesterday, while I was in class, they decided to come over and bring me food (even though I specifically told them I would be in class until 5:30pm). When I left in the morning, my apartment wasn’t in the best shape, I had papers scattered everywhere, clothes on the ground, my bed wasn’t made, etc.

My mom, being the foozool (nosy) mom she is, absolutely LOVES going through my things, but doesn’t dare call it snooping, no… she’s “just helping me.”

Here’s where I’m stuck: I had a tiny plastic bag sitting on the bottom of my nightstand with 3 opened condom wrappers inside. I had every intention of throwing them out but forgot with school and such on my mind…

So what does my mom decide to do after she hangs my clothes and makes my bed?

image

She decided to open that plastic bag that obviously looked like garbage to see what was inside and to her surprise 3 used condom wrappers fell out… Continue reading →

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Feb 28 2013
2 Comments
Douche of the Week, Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Shitshows, Weekend Winning

I’m A Lady

Hey joonams,

I’ve been especially sickly this week so please excuse any random mutterings below. But in my defense, I had a pretty confusing week/end.

Let me start from the beginning… 

On Friday night, I met up with my ex and his best friend at a party – my ex leaves the party early without his friend … and the night proceeds with drinks and dancing. Suddenly, we’re making out (me and the friend) – no readiness, no expectations, it was probably just the booze taking over our brains (and grasp of common sense). And he just kept saying to me, “Don’t worry your ex won’t care.”

betI woke up the next morning just horrified – that “oh f#ck” moment you have when you wake up after drinking too much and start getting hit with flashbacks from the night before.

I was disgusted for not making the more responsible decision and I was disgusted with him for trying to convince me it was okay. It was mortifying and all I wanted to do was forget it ever happened (and never see either of them again). 

Of course, way easier said than done – especially when you all live in a tiny, incestuous city. But all I really wanted was for the friend to text me like he said he would, so I could end the situation:

Listen, I don’t think this is such a good idea. K thanks. 

I wasn’t sure if he would actually text me…

But I knew that I wouldn’t be the first to text him… because guys are always expected to text first. That’s what the rules are according to our society.

bm

When girls give out their phone number to some guy they meet – they usually wait for that guy to contact them first. We wait for the stupid 3 day rule to pass and if we don’t hear from them by then – we let go.

Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule – but ultimately, this is the game we all play.

I felt like if my ex’s friend didn’t text me then this whole fiasco was ending on HIS terms … because based on our gender roles, it’s fact that I wouldn’t contact him first. (Obviously, this whole inner conflict also has to do with some major pride issues, but we can talk about that another time).

But discussing this with a friend, he brought up the fact that if no one has contacted the other – it ends on no one’s terms.

Furthermore, he asked if I’m so “pro-women” and equal rights, then why do I let gender roles define my social life? Continue reading →

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Feb 26 2013
4 Comments
Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

How I (Can’t) Feel

First off, in case anyone remembers or remotely cares, I did meet my Persian girlfriend’s mother. I feel like it went really well. (see my last post here!)

This may have to do with my mother always telling me, as a child, how charming I was, translating into a false sense of supremacy.

Regardless, my girlfriend told me her mother liked me enough. Either I am in the clear or my girlfriend has a great poker face.

Second, I would like to thank Saaghi and Farrah for posting my blurb and genuinely caring how my visit went. They have set up a wonderful blog giving voice to first generation Iranians abroad. Merci Farrah and Saaghi joon.

I can’t express my emotions properly.

I’m not a quiet individual nor am I my great-grandfather whom apparently only spoke to berate the loose morals of 50s youth: “‘Laash’ women and their harlequin print dresses.” My issue isn’t that I’m an introvert. My issue isn’t that I think speaking about feelings is a feminine trait. My issue is that I don’t know what to do when feeling: sad, upset, vulnerable, distressed, etc…

I would categorize myself as an emotional person. I don’t mean that I sob during long distance phone commercials. I mean that whether I am really excited or melancholic, the emotion overtakes me. I have moments where I’m animated from happiness and moments where I’m as un-enthused as Al Gore in a library.
My mom has accused me of taking drugs. My doctor has accused me of not taking enough drugs.
I’m not trying to make myself sound like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, nor am I painting a picture of a cross between Cary Grant and Behrouz Voussoughi, I’m only trying to be honest. People whom I build strong relationships with, friendly or romantic, understand this about me. My girlfriend, bless her heart, know this well and remains with me, although I must say she isn’t always a walk in the park either. We’re great (for the most part) together.

This little biography brings me back to the first sentence; I can’t express my emotions properly. I can sit and listen to my friend, partner or parent speak about their issues and give semi-decent advice. However, when the roles are reversed, Lassie does a better job at explaining his issues.

This ends up complicating my relationships. Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is. While we always think and speak of our partner’s best traits, it is really their worst you must accept. This is a given, of course. No person is baggage-less. Even if I think Alicia Keys and I would mingle quite well, I’m sure she has characteristics I would have to try to get over; such as not knowing how to make loobia polo. My baggage is the stress I can put on a relationship by not knowing how to say “I am sad.” I end up going quiet or getting upset. What is worse is at times I don’t even know why I’m upset. My girlfriend then gets frustrated because I’m in a bad mood and I won’t open up. I have managed to string together sentences blaming her and the 1979 revolution simultaneously for my own issues. I’ve also been a big enough jerk to blame her for lack of caring when she asks “what’s wrong?” An oxymoronic jackass.

I’ve read in the odd female magazine, yes I’ve looked inside Cosmopolitan and the Oprah one,

….that most men do not know how to express their feelings or that we’re afraid of our emotions. I find it funny that those articles are always written by women who do not have a) any clue about being male & b) testicles. Continue reading →

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Feb 24 2013
8 Comments
Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

Date Me, I’m A Virgin

Meet YASSI, our guest blogger of the day. As you joonies can tell from the title, she’s not one for polite introductions—she’s diving right in:

I’m a late bloomer.

I had my first kiss when I was 19 and very drunk.

At 22, I haven’t had sex (Oh no a VIRGIN!).

I’ve messed around, but no sex in the traditional “penis in my vagina” definition. I’m neither ashamed nor proud of my virginity. It’s just something that happened that way (or didn’t at this point). I was never in a relationship, never dated seriously in college, and just didn’t get into a situation where it almost happened.

Late bloomer.

bleeder

It’s been a little over a year since I’ve left school, and I’ve started to dab in dating (A whole different conversation itself-for God’s sake where do you meet people?!?!) Which brings me to the purpose of this whole background.

At what point do you tell the person you are dating you are a virgin? Do you even tell them you are? Your sex life is your own business, you choose who you want to talk about it.

But being a virgin has made the possibility of causal sex a bit difficult. Based on my own experience and the type of person I am, I think that casual sex would be easier if I had already had sex before -a bit of a Catch 22 situation I’ve got here.

Call me naive, but I always wanted to wait for a “relationship” where I felt comfortable enough being open about my experience (or lack there of), and would be able to learn and experience my sexuality with a person that understood me, and gave me the chance to grow.

But the more I grow up and realize I probably won’t get that relationship very soon, the more I wonder how I should go about this whole sex question-because I want to have sex. In this day and age, sex ends up becoming a part of casual dating (not all the time, but work with me here), and often happens before a relationship is serious, or before a relationship even happens. But, I don’t know how I feel about having sex for the first time with a guy I had dinner with three times.

bork

I came across this problem while on a very nice date with a guy I had spent a few days talking to. Things were getting a bit hot and heavy in his car; some clothing was coming off, when he suggested that we go back to my place. I froze. I had thought about sex with this guy, but was I actually going to go through with it? I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do. What if I was horrible at it? What if it doesn’t feel good for him? Do I tell him that it’s my first time?

I know it’s actually counterproductive to think about this, but I can’t help it.

I was constantly thinking: is this what I want right now? Is this the person I want to sleep with? Is this where? Is this how? Basically, I killed the mood. Continue reading →

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