Category Archives: Good Little Muslim Girl

Jan 08 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT

I Do It And It Feels Good

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile — hasn’t it? i miss you all. Sitting here… cold… knowing that I should really go to the gym tonight. The gym is what allows me to eat the ridiculous way that I do. Cake, burgers, you name it.

slutty

Motivation #leggo

I spent most of my vacation being lazy and watching random TV shows – Downton Abbey, Blue Mountain State, and the infamous Dawson’s Creek (Dawson is such a pain).  Anyway, watching Dawson’s Creek just reminds me of high school … and how different my life was compared to them.

In high school, I wasn’t the top student… or the most devoted. I cut class – not to do anything fun in particular, but just because I had no hos. It’s funny how things change when you grow up.

And I definitely wasn’t what some people would consider “innocent.” Virgin or not – I still made it through third base by the time I was 16 - what’s considered for some people = normal. 

And watching Dawson’s Creek (don’t judge me) - these kids are 15 and they’re having their first kiss.  It makes me wonder…

Are you ever too young to have sex?

The answer might seem obvious to some – but when I was 15-16, I thought I was old enough to do these things and even more so, I was curious about it.  I wanted to know what the hype was about and frankly, I was growing up – experimenting.

use it

Looking back now, I think 16 is so young and when I think about how I felt doing it then — it was weird. Nothing ever really felt good… it just felt different and I remember thinking either “ow” or “this is uncomfortable.” 

It took a long time for messing around to actually stop feeling foreign and start feeling real. Continue reading →

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Dec 23 2012
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

It’s the Holidays and Here Come the FOBs.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I’ll keep it brief because I know you want to go back to your regular eating&sleeping schedule.

For a Persian with immigrant parents, the holidays are not as festive or as merry as they are for sefeeds (white people). Sure, it’s a time to relax, sleep in, and do nothing, but it is also a time where I find myself held captive in a small space with a few other deranged psychos. (it’s all love, I swear).

Holidays with the Crazies, are very similar to Vacation with the Crazies (click for laughs), but there’s one important difference: There’s a huge pressure on this time of year to enjoy your family’s company, and to be around them more than any other time. And look, I get it– I love my family, I don’t have a second family to run away to, but when it comes to being around each other for more than 2 hours– well, that’s when our crazy starts to show.  Growing up, I wished for a picturesque Holiday season, but I soon realized NOPE, WE’RE NOT WHITE–WE’RE DIFFERENT. 

We don’t roast chestnuts over an open fire, we roast each other. And we don’t stop until somebody yells or cries.

For my Father, the Holiday season is a great time for an Annual Review of his Employees (a.k.a his children).

One year, my dad told my brother and me to make a list of what we thought we did wrong in the past year, how we could improve and what our New Year’s goals were. I was 15, my brother was 10. Then we proceeded to write ‘Our Resolution Plan’ on a huge poster board, in bullet-point format, and post it in the hallway outside our rooms.

Accountability was my dad’s Xmas gift to us that year.

Other years, we’d spend the weekend in NYC– walking minimum 65 blocks a day while our noses froze because that was my Dad’s idea of ‘having fun in the city’.

For the rest of the family, it’s a time to let the DRAMA flow. My mom is always prepping for some holiday mehmooni, and yelling at us to not touch the food before the party starts: “DAST NAZAN, BARA MEHMOONEH!” (Don’t touch, its for the guests!) Did my mom not get the memo that holidays means ‘Saaghi devours everything in sight’?

Last year during this time of year, I was lucky enough to have my grandparents (the set that have never been to America) visit — straight from Isfahan. And this made the Holidays that much more lovely. Why?

Because not only was it Welcome to America, it was Welcome to Las Vegas. Continue reading →

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Dec 18 2012
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels.

Hola,

2012 is winding down, and I almost can’t believe it. How does time fly? New Years is always an appropriate time for reflection (cliche but inevitable) and I’ve been thinking more about myself, 10 years ago… It might be because my Pandora is set to 90s music? But when you’re 18, you can’t really reflect on what it was like when you were 8.  Now I’m at that age, where I remember what it was like 10, 8, 5 years ago. I remember why I thought the way I did, and why I did the things I did. And with all those memories– I can’t help but feel weird. Is that what happens when you get old– your younger self starts to become a bigger shadow?

Jeez, can I please not get old? #fountainofyouth

Anyway, the more I think about Saaghi circa early 2000s, I realize I haven’t confessed something that really haunted/dogged me for most of those years: My Body.

It’s no secret that Persians are very vocal about weight — “topol” (chubby) is a word that’s just tossed around, almost endearingly, but for a 13 year old girl– that word is damaging.

At least that’s how I felt about it. As a kid, I was never aware of what my body looked like to others. But when I hit puberty, and I had chipmunk cheeks, I was growing boobs, and I was all sorts of awkward–well, I became very aware of what my body looked like from the outside.

People’s comments only reinforced my insecurities and by the time I got to high school, I had also eaten my insecurities. Continue reading →

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Nov 30 2012
1 Comment
Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Uncategorized, Weekend Winning, What your momma didn't tell you

Persian Girl Gone Wild.

Saaghi here. Its hard to follow after Maz/Jimmy Vestvood, but I’m going to try.

I worked an 18 hour day yesterday, and so tonight, I came home and got high. Loner stoner is not my usual thing- actually never–but Ive discovered  a new level stress thanks to my job. Its even giving me bad dreams, like last night–

I had a nightmare that my Persian Dad found out that I write for Sex& Fessenjoon. And he wouldn’t speak to me, even as I pleaded while balling me eyes out.

I woke up feeling just as sad as I was in my dream, but confused why it affected me so much?

For me, #SEXANDFESSENJOON is all about thinking twice about all that you’ve always been told is wrong, or zesht (dirty, looked down on, ugly, etc).  And partially,

its about defending my right to get high in my underwear, by myself, after work–as a Persian girl.

Or my right to have sex outside of a relationship.

Or even my right to be INAPPROPRIATE.

Cause lets be real, there are too many fucking rules.

tumblr_lvnitvGWoa1r0eog2o1_500

My confession though– Some rules only make sense after your break them. 

Especially the ones that you break over and over again. Continue reading →

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Oct 25 2012
2 Comments
Farrah, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl

Get It Right, Get It Tight

JOONS,

So this might be my last post … forever because “Hurricane Sandy” is planning to make an appearance to the East Coast and I might drown.  Okay – maybe not so dramatic, but I don’t really do well with rain.  So excuse me while I play the victim card and plan for a simpler life in sunny CALI.

Outside my house in CALIFORNIA

Enough of that — I don’t know what it is, but whenever I’m actually having sex, I don’t really feel the need to talk about it.  It’s when I’m not having sex that I’m like OMG remember when…

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling tonight – I need to get some ass in my life and who knows why the f#ck it’s not happening.  I remember when I first started having sex — I was very pro-missionary.  And not because I thought it felt so ahhhh-mazing, but because I was too shy to do anything else.

If you’re too shy to f#ck the way it’s meant to be, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex. Continue reading →

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Oct 23 2012
5 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What your momma didn't tell you

Not thug life, but the Double Life.

Happy Tuezday.

Here’s something that made my week: the fact that my friends want me to dress up as Bert for Halloween. My question is,

Which Persian girl puts on a unibrow, voluntarily?

image

I thought bad eyebrows were like bad noses, you get rid of them and deny deny deny you ever had one? Or is the UNI in now? Someone fill me in.

Anyway, my grandparents were in town for awhile, all the way from eeRAN, and aside from lots of lavashak and pistachios, they bring a suitcase full of “Naseehat” (guidance from elders).

The problem with that is, I hate NASEEHAT. I’m comfortable enough with my parents to stop them before they get ahead with all their ‘guidance’ lectures–’Dad, the decibel level of your voice annoys me‘. But with my grandparents, I can’t be so direct. I have to swallow my pride, and smile, and nod–as if I’m actually going to take what they say into consideration.

Do you see how immature and stubborn I am?

But, in my defense, as I’ve… aged… I’ve gotten better at identifiying the ‘GOOD Naseehat‘ from the ‘OBNOXIOUS Naseehat’. Especially now that I’m out on my own, with my own bills and finances and Adult-ness,

I know I can’t learn everything the hard way– cause if I do, it’ll end with bad credit, a mug shot, and an ‘I TOLD YOU SO’. Continue reading →

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Oct 21 2012
3 Comments
Farrah, Good Little Muslim Girl, What the F

You Don’t Scare Me

Hey joonies,

Sorry we’ve been a little more MIA than usual.  October and November tend to be my busiest months at work than the rest of the year.  I love my job, but it really took me awhile to get there.  It took me time to be able to adjust and get comfortable with people.

Despite being outspoken and blunt, I have a tendency to start out shy with people I don’t know.  My potty mouth is reserved for friends only and the tattoo-ed, women’s rights advocate, and proud Iranian side of me are usually put away when I first start a new job.

My philosophy: you never know how people are going to react – better to start out observing than to be sorry in the end.

Clarification: I will never apologize for who I am.  But in order to be professional, you have to choose what parts of your personality you should highlight in the workplace.

My resume is dominated by my experience in Middle East studies.  In college, I went from one journalism internship to the next.  After college, every professional experience I’ve had is related to Iran or Middle East in general.  In fact, I only moved to D.C. to pursue an internship in Iranian politics.

By graffiti artist A1one in Tehran

When I began to apply for a permanent job – my dad said, “Farrah, you should erase all of your Iran experience from your resume because you will be discriminated against when employers look at your resume.”

My first reaction — Fuck that, I love the experience I’ve had and if some employer is going to discriminate against me for it then I don’t want to work there anyway.

My second reaction — Shit, if I erase all of that from my resume, I’m basically left with my college degree.

So I refused.  I didn’t talk to my dad about the lack of calls I got from the many jobs I applied to.  I didn’t talk to my dad about my struggles with finding a job.  Instead, I lied to my dad about getting another unpaid internship in D.C. focusing on Middle East democracy and told him that I was working temporarily elsewhere.

And when I finally got an interview with the current organization I work for, I didn’t tell my parents until after I had the confirmation email that I got the job.

I learned something valuable from the first interview at my job and my first year there.  My experiences at work have only reaffirmed what I’ve always believed in:

Don’t apologize for your culture or your background.  It’s what sets you apart.  It’s what makes you unique and it gives you an advantage. Continue reading →

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Oct 08 2012
1 Comment
Farrah, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, Shitshows

My Ass Is So Smart

Hi joonies,

Three day weekends bring meaning to my life. I was very fortunate to be able to go see Salman Rushdie speak tonight — hilarious guy, especially when he talked about “fucking”– but he definitely didn’t turn me on.  Instead, he got me thinking about all the awkward sex moments I’ve had. (badbakht)

Not every sexual experience is going to be the toe-curling, hair pulling, crazy/amazing kind of sex.

The kind of sex that you spend the rest of the week fantasizing about because it was just that great. 

Sometimes sex with someone ends up being one of those memories you cringe at every time you think about it — the kind of sex where you wake up the next day like “ughhh fuck.”

Not that I’ve had a LOT of sex or anything (because I’m a virgin… obviously), but I’ve definitely learned a few valuable lessons along the road to successful sex/oral.

Sex it up

1.  CLOSE YOUR EYES. (applies to oral mostly). 

Personally, I don’t have experience with this, but that’s because I’m lucky that people like to give details (no matter how well they know me– awkward moments brings people together).  I’ve been lucky to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And I’m mostly grateful because not only, does this sound weird and kind of gross, but it shit supposedly hurts too.

I’ve come to realize that guys can’t really direct their fluids on where to go.  Sure, they can move their doodool-tala to the side if they’re thinking ahead.  But how many guys actually think ahead?  And if you’re not really down with the whole excess protein in your mouth thing, then you probably jerk your head off the tip the second you hear, “I’m gonna come.” (let’s hope they give you the warning).

Listen, semen can seriously fly sometimes.  I mean, it can shoot up high and if you’re not careful, it can get in your eye.

Be prepared.  And protect the part of your face that allows you to see. Continue reading →

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Oct 04 2012
2 Comments
Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Secondary Virgin, Shitshows, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

I’m Going To Come

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile since I’ve written about sex — I’ve been so stuck in my “corruption/people suck” phase that I almost forgot what this blog is really about.  S.E.X.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been having so much sex lately (jk kinda) that I almost feel awkward writing about it because I feel like someone is going to tell on me (knowing the Persian community, they’re probably three steps ahead of all that). 

Oh well. If you’re dating/f#cking me, you’re collateral damage. #sorrynotsorry.

OMG I’m on S&F

^^ That was my last boyfriend’s reaction when I posted about him.

JUST KIDDING: He was NOT happy (click here).

Good sex comes with practice, bad sex comes naturally. Continue reading →

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Sep 20 2012
10 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Shut the Front Door, What the F

Your Mind Too Narrow, You Can’t Be Talking To Me

Hey joonams,

It’s been on a long week- but TANK YOU GOD that tomorrow is Friday.

Did you see how I used “God?” I MUST be an extremist… just kidding …

I grew up in a very different generation than my parents.

My father is an Atheist, my mom blames everything wrong with the world on religion – regardless of whether it’s Islam, Christianity, or Judaism.

But they were born into a Muslim family.  My family is Islamic historically.

My great-grandmother fasts, she covers her hair at all times, she doesn’t eat pork – she was also married off at age nine… but if you think that is what being Muslim means then you’re f#cking cray.

The only God I’ve ever prayed to is a God who would keep the nightmares about vampires away (Buffy the Vampire Slayer scarred me for life).

My mother taught me to hate Islam and I did.

For a long time, I believed that everything wrong with Iran is a result of Islam including (but not limited to), the ridiculous notions that a woman should cover her hair, marry at a young age, and be stoned to death.

The Islamic Revolution of Iran

But Islam isn’t the reason that “Islamic” countries like Iran and Saudi Arabia are so backwards… to the point where Saudi Arabia wont allow it’s women to drive/vote/wear what they want.

If you really believe that the “Supreme Leader” Ayatollah Khamanei was chosen by a higher power, then you might as well believe that I, Farrah am a Virgin. Continue reading →

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