Category Archives: Guys I’d date, My Dad would hate

Mar 13 2013
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, NAStY HAAwT

What A Bad Boy

Joons,

I can practically feel spring and Norouz – unfortunately, I live too far away from my parents to bask in their Norouz festivities (and pocket change), but I can enjoy my pet goldfish nonetheless.

On the East Coast – spring is amazing. You stop wearing what feels like 5000 layers, you can actually feel heat from the sun, the flowers are pretty. It’s a great time of year (for two weeks… then it’s f#cking hot). When it’s spring, you no longer experience anxiety about leaving the house because of the ridiculous cold. It’s the time where you can enjoy being active and you can fantasize about what the day holds.

Clearly, I dream about when this day will come often. But despite my fantasies about the cute sandals and pretty sundress I’ll wear, I take a completely different approach when it comes to sex.

I can dream about the most mundane things. But when it comes to sex, I can’t imagine anything other than the reality.

And the reality is, I’ll probably wear a total of one dress this summer and after two weeks, I’ll start bitching about the humidity.

humid

For some reasons, one of the top 10 questions guys ask when they get all personal (and if they’re ballsy) is: what’s your fantasy?  Continue reading →

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Mar 05 2013
10 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

My Persian Mom Went Through My Stuff and Found…

A recent email from a Sweet Joonie with a Sour Problem. (Like Fessenjoon!)

Ok, we won’t quit blogging for comedy. But we gave her good enough advice that she allowed us to share her plight with the world, in hopes that maybe we could garner some more good insight!….

Hey girls,

I just wanted to say how much I love your blog and how much insight I get by reading it. With that said, I’ve run into a bit of a problem recently and would love to get some advice from you.

I am a 20 year old college student living on my own.

My parents live just about 15 minutes away from me. Yesterday, while I was in class, they decided to come over and bring me food (even though I specifically told them I would be in class until 5:30pm). When I left in the morning, my apartment wasn’t in the best shape, I had papers scattered everywhere, clothes on the ground, my bed wasn’t made, etc.

My mom, being the foozool (nosy) mom she is, absolutely LOVES going through my things, but doesn’t dare call it snooping, no… she’s “just helping me.”

Here’s where I’m stuck: I had a tiny plastic bag sitting on the bottom of my nightstand with 3 opened condom wrappers inside. I had every intention of throwing them out but forgot with school and such on my mind…

So what does my mom decide to do after she hangs my clothes and makes my bed?

image

She decided to open that plastic bag that obviously looked like garbage to see what was inside and to her surprise 3 used condom wrappers fell out… Continue reading →

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Mar 03 2013
1 Comment
Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

I Don’t Belong to One Culture

Hey joonies – we love starting the week with a GUEST post! We’re especially excited about this one – half Egyptian, half Dutch, and an all around strong woman. We’re so excited that Sara, a writer for Muftah.org and an Egyptian feminist, shared her story.  Enjoy! 

A lot has been written about us third culture kids. Identity crisis, confusion, and an endless sense of restlessness are just some of the issues that come along with the title. As someone who is half Egyptian and half Dutch, I know all about it. Who am I? Where do I belong? What is home?

All these questions pop up on a regular basis and bring with them a feeling of constantly being unsettled. Issues that are seen as simple to other people are complicated to us, and when it comes to relationships, it gets even more complicated.

Not belonging to one culture means that you miss a lot of rules and signals that are second nature to everyone else.

Egypt

Egypt

A lot of culture is passed through unspoken practices that no one tells you about but that everyone just knows because they’re so used to seeing it all around them. When it comes to dating and relationships, it gets even harder.

When I’m in Egypt, it’s all about how Egyptian men “really” are and how they like women to be.

- You can’t make the first move.

- You can’t pay when you go out with them.

- They love to be protective.

When I’m in Holland, it’s exactly the same, with different stereotypes.

- You should make the first move by showing you’re interested.

It’s weird if you don’t want to have sex after a few dates. Continue reading →

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Feb 28 2013
2 Comments
Douche of the Week, Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Shitshows, Weekend Winning

I’m A Lady

Hey joonams,

I’ve been especially sickly this week so please excuse any random mutterings below. But in my defense, I had a pretty confusing week/end.

Let me start from the beginning… 

On Friday night, I met up with my ex and his best friend at a party – my ex leaves the party early without his friend … and the night proceeds with drinks and dancing. Suddenly, we’re making out (me and the friend) – no readiness, no expectations, it was probably just the booze taking over our brains (and grasp of common sense). And he just kept saying to me, “Don’t worry your ex won’t care.”

betI woke up the next morning just horrified – that “oh f#ck” moment you have when you wake up after drinking too much and start getting hit with flashbacks from the night before.

I was disgusted for not making the more responsible decision and I was disgusted with him for trying to convince me it was okay. It was mortifying and all I wanted to do was forget it ever happened (and never see either of them again). 

Of course, way easier said than done – especially when you all live in a tiny, incestuous city. But all I really wanted was for the friend to text me like he said he would, so I could end the situation:

Listen, I don’t think this is such a good idea. K thanks. 

I wasn’t sure if he would actually text me…

But I knew that I wouldn’t be the first to text him… because guys are always expected to text first. That’s what the rules are according to our society.

bm

When girls give out their phone number to some guy they meet – they usually wait for that guy to contact them first. We wait for the stupid 3 day rule to pass and if we don’t hear from them by then – we let go.

Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule – but ultimately, this is the game we all play.

I felt like if my ex’s friend didn’t text me then this whole fiasco was ending on HIS terms … because based on our gender roles, it’s fact that I wouldn’t contact him first. (Obviously, this whole inner conflict also has to do with some major pride issues, but we can talk about that another time).

But discussing this with a friend, he brought up the fact that if no one has contacted the other – it ends on no one’s terms.

Furthermore, he asked if I’m so “pro-women” and equal rights, then why do I let gender roles define my social life? Continue reading →

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Feb 24 2013
8 Comments
Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

Date Me, I’m A Virgin

Meet YASSI, our guest blogger of the day. As you joonies can tell from the title, she’s not one for polite introductions—she’s diving right in:

I’m a late bloomer.

I had my first kiss when I was 19 and very drunk.

At 22, I haven’t had sex (Oh no a VIRGIN!).

I’ve messed around, but no sex in the traditional “penis in my vagina” definition. I’m neither ashamed nor proud of my virginity. It’s just something that happened that way (or didn’t at this point). I was never in a relationship, never dated seriously in college, and just didn’t get into a situation where it almost happened.

Late bloomer.

bleeder

It’s been a little over a year since I’ve left school, and I’ve started to dab in dating (A whole different conversation itself-for God’s sake where do you meet people?!?!) Which brings me to the purpose of this whole background.

At what point do you tell the person you are dating you are a virgin? Do you even tell them you are? Your sex life is your own business, you choose who you want to talk about it.

But being a virgin has made the possibility of causal sex a bit difficult. Based on my own experience and the type of person I am, I think that casual sex would be easier if I had already had sex before -a bit of a Catch 22 situation I’ve got here.

Call me naive, but I always wanted to wait for a “relationship” where I felt comfortable enough being open about my experience (or lack there of), and would be able to learn and experience my sexuality with a person that understood me, and gave me the chance to grow.

But the more I grow up and realize I probably won’t get that relationship very soon, the more I wonder how I should go about this whole sex question-because I want to have sex. In this day and age, sex ends up becoming a part of casual dating (not all the time, but work with me here), and often happens before a relationship is serious, or before a relationship even happens. But, I don’t know how I feel about having sex for the first time with a guy I had dinner with three times.

bork

I came across this problem while on a very nice date with a guy I had spent a few days talking to. Things were getting a bit hot and heavy in his car; some clothing was coming off, when he suggested that we go back to my place. I froze. I had thought about sex with this guy, but was I actually going to go through with it? I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do. What if I was horrible at it? What if it doesn’t feel good for him? Do I tell him that it’s my first time?

I know it’s actually counterproductive to think about this, but I can’t help it.

I was constantly thinking: is this what I want right now? Is this the person I want to sleep with? Is this where? Is this how? Basically, I killed the mood. Continue reading →

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Feb 10 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

My Pickle is Ripe

Hi JOONS,

It’s been too long. I’ve had sexandfessenjoon withdrawals – more fessenjoon and less sex, if you know what I mean. I’ve had the pleasure of participating in some quality family time lately. Home-cooked meals, clean sheets, and unsolicited love advice – really, what more could you ask for?

My mom especially had a lot of questions for me on this visit – how’s my job … which lasted all of 30 seconds before she interrupted to ask about my dating life. Here’s something you should all probably know about my mother:

For as long as I can remember, my mom told me to steer clear of Persian boys and she stressed the importance of being an independent woman.

Through the years, she became more emphatic with this advice – especially after her divorce.

“Farrah, marriage is estupid. Anyvone who is married right now is unhappy – believe me.” 

“Farrah, never depend on a man. Dey are all after vone ting.” 

And as much as I think my mom is a little cray at times, those words really resonated. More importantly, I thought she would be the last person to bug me that my biological clock is ticking… at 25.

vibrateBut the second I walked through the door of her home, she was like, “Who are you dating? Vhen do you vant to get married? Is dere anyvone in VAA-SHING-TOON who is good?”

My response is always the same, “No mom, I’m good for now… thanks though.”

But clearly, my persistence on wanting to focus on my career and life didn’t sit well with her this time.

At 25, I’m on the brink of torshideh. And once I’m pickled and “old” – I won’t be wife material anymore. Continue reading →

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Jan 31 2013
6 Comments
Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Meet Nima: He’s Meeting Mommy Joon

Hey joonies,

It’s about time we got some quality Peeersian men on this blog. So please meet Nima -  no golden doodool complex here, just 100% Irooni man. Read his post and offer your most invaluable joonie advice:

I’ve been seeing this Persian girl for close to six months now. This week, I have the pleasure of meeting her mother for the first time. Her mother, who lives out of town, will be here for a couple of days, meaning that I have no alternative choice.

I wish I could say that I have to take my baba to the pharmacist, which he loves visiting, but she knows my parents are far from this city. I am meeting her.

Nothing short of a hysterectomy is getting me out of this one.

parents

A few background notes:

In case you didn’t realize that I still refer to my dad as “baba” in my 20s, I am Persian. My girlfriend has never “tasted home cooking” before, and this may be due to her mother’s insistence on keeping away from indecent Irooni boys.

Nevertheless, my coarse chest hair would exemplify my Persian-ness. Continue reading →

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Jan 24 2013
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, NAStY HAAwT

Fifty Shades of JOON

Hey joon joons,

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!

And despite the fact that I’m freezing balls here – I can’t wait for the freakin weekend so I can spend the weekend under 100+ blankets.  Granted, it’s the “Pro-Life Rally” tomorrow, which means I’ll have to avoid eye contact with everyone and ignore the horrifying pictures of dead fetuses – while I believe in the freedom of speech … I still believe in the freedom of choice. BUT it’s still going to be Friday so I’ll keep my complaints to a minimum.

ANYWAY – I decided to bring the conversation back to sex tonight because in my opinion…

If you’re having it, then you should talk about it.

Okay maybe that’s a bit extreme.

sx

As the story always goes – I met a guy… we liked each other and we eventually, had sex. Done.

But this time was quite different than any other time – and let me try to explain… as with a lot of my sexual (and dating) experiences, I call the shots. I tell them when I’m going to go on top, when they’re on top, where to put their hands, and more.  

I’m quite the micro-manager in all aspects of my life.

Especially with my dating history, it’s always me directing – or letting them know what I like… or at least, that’s what it feels like. 

Sometimes the guy really needs to take control and tell me what to do – especially in the bedroom. Continue reading →

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Jan 07 2013
26 Comments
Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Saaghi

Help A Sista Out!

Hey joonies,

Every so often – we get emails asking for advice or our opinion on a certain situation.  Of course, this makes us feel great as sex wizards but — we don’t always have the answer. A lot of times, we are still trying to figure out our own love lives and the best advice we can offer is what we’ve learned through our own experiences.

With that said, we received an email recently asking us for very specific advice. And because we aren’t really sex wizards, we decided to open up the floor to our joonies – help a sista out:

Do Persian men ever marry non-Persian women?

Especially black women.

whatevs

I am talking about a non-Muslim (he’s Baha’i), Iran born, USA raised man.

Or do they only date people from another ethnicity with no intention of  ever marrying them?

Background: I’ve known and been involved with him for about two and a half years.  I’ve never met his family — who he lives with. I’ve asked him to be straight with me: is it because I am not Persian or the same religion? He claims no. He says that it’s because once you meet them – then all the floodgates will open and his parents will keep asking when we are going to get married and have kids. I countered that by saying we will just have to explain to his parents that we are not ready for all of that yet especially, financially. To which he said that reasoning will fall on deaf ears.

So ladies, what do you think? Am I barking up the wrong tree with all Persian and Middle Eastern men? Clearly, some of them do marry outside of their race — shout out to Tehran SOParvaz. But, are the odds not in my favor?   Continue reading →

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Dec 26 2012
4 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate

Material Guy

Hihi joonies,

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas — I’m not trying to make a religious assertion here, but we know that most Iranians love to go all out for Christmas. Presents, the competition between families as to who has the better tree, who cooked the best dinner, who’s gained the most holiday weight, etc. – not that I’m complaining, I am not afraid to show off my holiday weight as long as they continue to feed me.

I LOVE tadig

I LOVE tadig

But I skipped PERSIAN/VERZION Christmas this year and instead hid out in a small town with some close friends. #cantcomplain

The best part about spending time with close friends during the holidays is not just the ability to avoid interrogations about where you’re going, what you’re eating, what you’re doing (love my family I swear) — but the best part really is being able to just talk about anything without worrying that your 16 year old brother is eavesdropping.

Most of my friends and I are pretty different.  We all chose different areas of work to pursue, we have different tastes in guys, different interests, but when it comes to boy trouble – our issues are usually the same.

Confusion over relationships is universal.

Sometimes I feel like relationships aren’t as innocent they used to be.  Back in high school, I had this boyfriend for two weeks and then that boyfriend for another two weeks. The concern over whether he had family values or was goal-oriented was never really an issue because in high school, we were in the moment rather than focusing on the future.

At least I was.

Now in my 20′s, every date I go on or every boy I meet, I go through a mental checklist to see if they meet up to my “desired needs” aka to see if they are list material.

rudd

I usually decide between the first five – ten minutes whether the guy I’m talking to meets my requirements (though I’ve been blinded many times). 

We all have that ideal perfect man drawn up in our head. Continue reading →

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