Category Archives: Last Night

Jan 22 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows

Panties Hit The Ground When Taking Shots

Hey joonies,

I just have to say, this day… sucks. How can any day follow Inauguration day? Seriously, as a country – we should be given the day after the Inauguration off to mentally prepare for how boring our lives really are.  Hope you all had a chance to check out my Inauguration day photos via the amazing social media world of Twitter (click here).

Here is my personal favorite from the day (because it’s of me obviously… and Saaghi jooooon designed it ;) ):

far

Obama is my joooooon

Anyway, I received some valuable insight today at work – always learning, my boss would be so proud - I was told this:

All men are dogs – there are the purebreds and the street dog/mutts. Purebreds can be trained… they are keepers. Mutts are for the streets.

I’m still trying to figure out the difference between a mutt and a purebred — so I can’t really dissect that one for now, but I’ll keep you all posted. As always.

When I graduated high school – I really didn’t think about all of that. All that pressure of finding a nice guy who is responsible, well suited for dad, and treats me well (AKA a purebred) was never the main focus in my mind. Back then it was all about whether they were hot … or not.

He is so not suitable for dad

He is so not suitable for dad

In the early days of college, going out was about meeting boys and either bringing them back to our place or making out with them at the bar. And that was just the norm.

We went out solely to meet boys – our night’s fun was dependent on how many times we gave our number out and whether we kissed anyone. Continue reading →

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Jan 08 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT

I Do It And It Feels Good

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile — hasn’t it? i miss you all. Sitting here… cold… knowing that I should really go to the gym tonight. The gym is what allows me to eat the ridiculous way that I do. Cake, burgers, you name it.

slutty

Motivation #leggo

I spent most of my vacation being lazy and watching random TV shows – Downton Abbey, Blue Mountain State, and the infamous Dawson’s Creek (Dawson is such a pain).  Anyway, watching Dawson’s Creek just reminds me of high school … and how different my life was compared to them.

In high school, I wasn’t the top student… or the most devoted. I cut class – not to do anything fun in particular, but just because I had no hos. It’s funny how things change when you grow up.

And I definitely wasn’t what some people would consider “innocent.” Virgin or not – I still made it through third base by the time I was 16 - what’s considered for some people = normal. 

And watching Dawson’s Creek (don’t judge me) - these kids are 15 and they’re having their first kiss.  It makes me wonder…

Are you ever too young to have sex?

The answer might seem obvious to some – but when I was 15-16, I thought I was old enough to do these things and even more so, I was curious about it.  I wanted to know what the hype was about and frankly, I was growing up – experimenting.

use it

Looking back now, I think 16 is so young and when I think about how I felt doing it then — it was weird. Nothing ever really felt good… it just felt different and I remember thinking either “ow” or “this is uncomfortable.” 

It took a long time for messing around to actually stop feeling foreign and start feeling real. Continue reading →

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Nov 30 2012
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Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Uncategorized, Weekend Winning, What your momma didn't tell you

Persian Girl Gone Wild.

Saaghi here. Its hard to follow after Maz/Jimmy Vestvood, but I’m going to try.

I worked an 18 hour day yesterday, and so tonight, I came home and got high. Loner stoner is not my usual thing- actually never–but Ive discovered  a new level stress thanks to my job. Its even giving me bad dreams, like last night–

I had a nightmare that my Persian Dad found out that I write for Sex& Fessenjoon. And he wouldn’t speak to me, even as I pleaded while balling me eyes out.

I woke up feeling just as sad as I was in my dream, but confused why it affected me so much?

For me, #SEXANDFESSENJOON is all about thinking twice about all that you’ve always been told is wrong, or zesht (dirty, looked down on, ugly, etc).  And partially,

its about defending my right to get high in my underwear, by myself, after work–as a Persian girl.

Or my right to have sex outside of a relationship.

Or even my right to be INAPPROPRIATE.

Cause lets be real, there are too many fucking rules.

tumblr_lvnitvGWoa1r0eog2o1_500

My confession though– Some rules only make sense after your break them. 

Especially the ones that you break over and over again. Continue reading →

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Oct 08 2012
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Farrah, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, Shitshows

My Ass Is So Smart

Hi joonies,

Three day weekends bring meaning to my life. I was very fortunate to be able to go see Salman Rushdie speak tonight — hilarious guy, especially when he talked about “fucking”– but he definitely didn’t turn me on.  Instead, he got me thinking about all the awkward sex moments I’ve had. (badbakht)

Not every sexual experience is going to be the toe-curling, hair pulling, crazy/amazing kind of sex.

The kind of sex that you spend the rest of the week fantasizing about because it was just that great. 

Sometimes sex with someone ends up being one of those memories you cringe at every time you think about it — the kind of sex where you wake up the next day like “ughhh fuck.”

Not that I’ve had a LOT of sex or anything (because I’m a virgin… obviously), but I’ve definitely learned a few valuable lessons along the road to successful sex/oral.

Sex it up

1.  CLOSE YOUR EYES. (applies to oral mostly). 

Personally, I don’t have experience with this, but that’s because I’m lucky that people like to give details (no matter how well they know me– awkward moments brings people together).  I’ve been lucky to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And I’m mostly grateful because not only, does this sound weird and kind of gross, but it shit supposedly hurts too.

I’ve come to realize that guys can’t really direct their fluids on where to go.  Sure, they can move their doodool-tala to the side if they’re thinking ahead.  But how many guys actually think ahead?  And if you’re not really down with the whole excess protein in your mouth thing, then you probably jerk your head off the tip the second you hear, “I’m gonna come.” (let’s hope they give you the warning).

Listen, semen can seriously fly sometimes.  I mean, it can shoot up high and if you’re not careful, it can get in your eye.

Be prepared.  And protect the part of your face that allows you to see. Continue reading →

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Sep 02 2012
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Fetish, Joon, Last Night, Saaghi

& The Oscar Goes To…

Hello Joonies,

Happy Labor Day Weekend: a holiday that’s lost its historical significance, but we shop and party hard for it anyway.

As for myself, I didn’t really shop (that’s a lie, I’m an addict) or party– but I did think about sex a lot. Because I haven’t been having any…and while that’s a tragic topic on its own, I was thinking more about

Faking Orgasms.

I know it seems I’m getting a little ahead of myself since I have no one to fake it with, but that’s exactly why I wanted to write about this. Sex and Orgasms have become two very different dry spells:

 I’ve been having real O’s courtesy of my little friend — and I can have it whenever, wherever (no, not at work). With sex, its not as convenient, and definitely not as much of a guarantee.  Here comes the earth-shattering fact of the day: Not every woman orgasms from sex..every time.

While for every girl that may seem like old news, there are a lot of guys who think “but she’s never been with me”. Especially Persian doodool-talas. I mean, it is made of gold…

Every persian guy thinks he’s going to be the golden doodool to rock your world.

Continue reading →

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Aug 07 2012
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Joon, Last Night

Rules Don’t Apply

Hey joons,

I feel like I’ve been a little MIA- but I could really use the distraction tonight and I swear I have a good excuse… let’s just call it, MARKET RESEARCH.

Excuses?  Yeahhhh… my bad.  Let me explain.

I have pretty strict rules when it comes to dating.

Naww I really have NO game

Not because my mom would disapprove of anything less, but because I just don’t like losing control– issues? I think so.  If I give “it” up quickly, then that guy is automatically considered “un-dateable…” at least in my mind.  I instantly write them off as a “hook-up” or “friends with benefits” because ultimately, I don’t really want to give it up immediately to the guy I’m dating.  Ideally, I want him to work for it.

It goes both ways– you might think I’m easy for letting you f#ck me, but I think you’re easy for lasting x minutes.

Don’t ask me how I come up with these rules, but it’s always worked for me… until now.

I met this Persian guy recently through some friends- and I was instantly interested.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but there is something just incredibly sexy about a guy who can spit out Farsi like it’s no big deal.  So of course, one of the first nights we all hang out in a group- with drinks involved- we end up making out.

What about inhibitions?

And the next night, one thing led to another and we ended up hooking up for real.  I’m not really sure what motivated me to do it– regardless, it happened.  And it was really great.

NO REGRETS. TRUE STORY.

Continue reading →

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Jun 06 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows, Weekend Winning

Need You to Spank Me

JOONIESS.

To have to follow David Golshan is a bit much because let’s be real, you really can’t beat that… but you do what you gotta do.  So #LEGGO.

My topic tonight might be a little confusing because I’m still trying to figure everything out myself- but here’s to hoping that you guys can help me out a little bit.

Guilt.

As Persians (men and women), we ALL feel it whether it’s with getting bad grades or having sex out of wedlock.  But it’s how we allow that guilt to take over our decisions and lives that really matters (to me).

When I lost my virginity, I had to justify it to myself.  As if waiting until I was 20 years old and in love wasn’t justification enough, I had to plead with myself that it really was okay to have done the dirty.

I felt the need to convince myself that what I had done wasn’t “wrong,” even though it’s a natural part of life.

Oops I did it again

Continue reading →

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Jun 01 2012
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Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Shitshows, Torshideh and Desperate, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

The Club Can’t Handle This Right Now.

salaaam joonies,

today’s post is all about the dark side of being persian– and I’m getting straight to de point.

For some this will be necessary, for others irrelevant. But I promise it is entertaining nonetheless, so LEGGOOO

Persian Club Etiquette For Dummies.

Introduction:

Let me break it down. I know that how much fun you have at clubs is inversely related to how many times you go clubbing. Especially if you start before you hit the legal age, the big 2-1 (eff 18+ nights! #sorryboutit) The earlier you start, the more jaded you get. But aside from that, this is fact:

I can’t count how many times I’ve been clubbing, but I can count how many time’s I’ve enjoyed it.

(Ibiza takes the cake FOSHO)

I go to clubs for music, and dancing– there is nothing better than seeing your favorite DJ play a live set. But for some Persians, clubbing is a different ball game. They ruin it for the rest of us, but if you by chance want to join their ranks– here’s a few lessons.

Continue reading →

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May 07 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Last Night, Shitshows, Shut the Front Door, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Loose as a Goose

JOOONIESSS.

What up.  Happy f#cking Monday.  Now let’s get right to it.

Bar Etiquette.

Going out with my girlfriends is a pretty regular occurrence on the weekends– as I would assume the same for most of you joonies out there.  No need to hide it, sometimes you just gotta let loose and forget about all the shit you have to get done on Monday.

Work hard, play harder #mottoforlife

It really helps getting through your week knowing that you have FRI./SAT. night to kick it.

#firstworldproblems

Obvs. I’m not the only one out there who likes to leave my problems at home and just get crazy with my girls– but lately, I’ve been noticing others act like total fools at the bar… and unfortunately, we’re not all 21 anymore so let’s have a little class (even when we’re wasted).

Since when is being a total shitshow EVER cute?   Continue reading →

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May 03 2012
2 Comments
Arab Money, Arab Obsession, Douche of the Week, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Shitshows, What the F

You are SO dumb, FO REAL!

:)

there’s only so many ways you can say hello, and I’m all out for today. & if you love ARAB $$ and SEXY like I do, this song’ll be a hit– summer in Morocco anyone?

and I couldn’t help but post another one for the people going out this weekend:

yeah I kinda gave into #bieberFEVER just a little.

So I’ve decided I have no HOSELEH (HOS for short–patience) for two things:

- ONLINE SHOPPING emails

- Ditzy MEN

One is because I’m broke, the other because I’m too intelligent.

I dont think its ok for girls to play it stupid, but when they actually are that dumb, I just forgive them– because I’m not trying to have sex with them. But for guys, its not that easy. As much as I know not EVERY hook up isn’t going to be an Einstein, I always thought it was safe to assume they have some sort of evolutionary-given common sense. Or could suppress their stupidity for at least the short period of time it takes to get it on.

Saaghi, you’re STUPID. Again.

My friends joke with me that I get with guys on a disability spectrum– from the physically handicapped to the mentally handicapped. I mean there was that one time with the blind guy– but come on! (JK–no one said I was PC on this blog)

But really, now its become a problem: before I’d wait til the next day or tilat least the hookup was over to tell my friends of the stupid sh!t they did, but now I find myself texting/laughing DURING the whole thing.

If I can’t wait to tell the world, it means you’re that ridiculous.   Continue reading →

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