Filed under NAStY HAAwT …

Apr 25 2013
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Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Magic Johnson & My Persian Dad

For the sake of this post, I’m going to explain the reason for my long absence ( did you even miss me?!)

At the beginning of this month, I suffered somewhat of a breakdown. Too much pressure, pent up and unreleased, can do that to you. I’m just one of those people that is hardest on herself, and too forgiving of everyone else. #RECIPEFORDISASTER

Soon after, I felt a lot of physical symptoms– Then I had a lump on my neck. Then two. Then six. My lymph nodes were swollen, but I had never experienced that before, so I rushed to the doctor — who told me not to worry, my body was fighting something and, I’d probably get better in a week. Days went by, and I just got worse.

Doctors were talking about ‘Mono’. Then Cancer. Then TB.  then back to Mono. And then…HIV.

Now, given, the Healthcare system in America is jacked, yet you still never want to hear the words ‘HIV’ and ‘AIDS’ and ‘possible’ in the same sentence. It really drove me crazy. Even though I knew it wasn’t the only possibility, the fact that it was on the table as a matter of discussion just made me nuts. I started to rewind the tape on my past, questioning everything and mentally slapping myself for it all.

image

When I got home, I overheard my parents talking about me in their room. I walked in and my Dad turned to me and said in Persian,

“Saaghi, tell me straight. Has there always been protection?” Continue reading →

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Mar 13 2013
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, NAStY HAAwT

What A Bad Boy

Joons,

I can practically feel spring and Norouz – unfortunately, I live too far away from my parents to bask in their Norouz festivities (and pocket change), but I can enjoy my pet goldfish nonetheless.

On the East Coast – spring is amazing. You stop wearing what feels like 5000 layers, you can actually feel heat from the sun, the flowers are pretty. It’s a great time of year (for two weeks… then it’s f#cking hot). When it’s spring, you no longer experience anxiety about leaving the house because of the ridiculous cold. It’s the time where you can enjoy being active and you can fantasize about what the day holds.

Clearly, I dream about when this day will come often. But despite my fantasies about the cute sandals and pretty sundress I’ll wear, I take a completely different approach when it comes to sex.

I can dream about the most mundane things. But when it comes to sex, I can’t imagine anything other than the reality.

And the reality is, I’ll probably wear a total of one dress this summer and after two weeks, I’ll start bitching about the humidity.

humid

For some reasons, one of the top 10 questions guys ask when they get all personal (and if they’re ballsy) is: what’s your fantasy?  Continue reading →

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Jan 24 2013
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, NAStY HAAwT

Fifty Shades of JOON

Hey joon joons,

TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!

And despite the fact that I’m freezing balls here – I can’t wait for the freakin weekend so I can spend the weekend under 100+ blankets.  Granted, it’s the “Pro-Life Rally” tomorrow, which means I’ll have to avoid eye contact with everyone and ignore the horrifying pictures of dead fetuses – while I believe in the freedom of speech … I still believe in the freedom of choice. BUT it’s still going to be Friday so I’ll keep my complaints to a minimum.

ANYWAY – I decided to bring the conversation back to sex tonight because in my opinion…

If you’re having it, then you should talk about it.

Okay maybe that’s a bit extreme.

sx

As the story always goes – I met a guy… we liked each other and we eventually, had sex. Done.

But this time was quite different than any other time – and let me try to explain… as with a lot of my sexual (and dating) experiences, I call the shots. I tell them when I’m going to go on top, when they’re on top, where to put their hands, and more.  

I’m quite the micro-manager in all aspects of my life.

Especially with my dating history, it’s always me directing – or letting them know what I like… or at least, that’s what it feels like. 

Sometimes the guy really needs to take control and tell me what to do – especially in the bedroom. Continue reading →

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Jan 22 2013
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows

Panties Hit The Ground When Taking Shots

Hey joonies,

I just have to say, this day… sucks. How can any day follow Inauguration day? Seriously, as a country – we should be given the day after the Inauguration off to mentally prepare for how boring our lives really are.  Hope you all had a chance to check out my Inauguration day photos via the amazing social media world of Twitter (click here).

Here is my personal favorite from the day (because it’s of me obviously… and Saaghi jooooon designed it ;) ):

far

Obama is my joooooon

Anyway, I received some valuable insight today at work – always learning, my boss would be so proud - I was told this:

All men are dogs – there are the purebreds and the street dog/mutts. Purebreds can be trained… they are keepers. Mutts are for the streets.

I’m still trying to figure out the difference between a mutt and a purebred — so I can’t really dissect that one for now, but I’ll keep you all posted. As always.

When I graduated high school – I really didn’t think about all of that. All that pressure of finding a nice guy who is responsible, well suited for dad, and treats me well (AKA a purebred) was never the main focus in my mind. Back then it was all about whether they were hot … or not.

He is so not suitable for dad

He is so not suitable for dad

In the early days of college, going out was about meeting boys and either bringing them back to our place or making out with them at the bar. And that was just the norm.

We went out solely to meet boys – our night’s fun was dependent on how many times we gave our number out and whether we kissed anyone. Continue reading →

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Jan 08 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT

I Do It And It Feels Good

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile — hasn’t it? i miss you all. Sitting here… cold… knowing that I should really go to the gym tonight. The gym is what allows me to eat the ridiculous way that I do. Cake, burgers, you name it.

slutty

Motivation #leggo

I spent most of my vacation being lazy and watching random TV shows – Downton Abbey, Blue Mountain State, and the infamous Dawson’s Creek (Dawson is such a pain).  Anyway, watching Dawson’s Creek just reminds me of high school … and how different my life was compared to them.

In high school, I wasn’t the top student… or the most devoted. I cut class – not to do anything fun in particular, but just because I had no hos. It’s funny how things change when you grow up.

And I definitely wasn’t what some people would consider “innocent.” Virgin or not – I still made it through third base by the time I was 16 - what’s considered for some people = normal. 

And watching Dawson’s Creek (don’t judge me) - these kids are 15 and they’re having their first kiss.  It makes me wonder…

Are you ever too young to have sex?

The answer might seem obvious to some – but when I was 15-16, I thought I was old enough to do these things and even more so, I was curious about it.  I wanted to know what the hype was about and frankly, I was growing up – experimenting.

use it

Looking back now, I think 16 is so young and when I think about how I felt doing it then — it was weird. Nothing ever really felt good… it just felt different and I remember thinking either “ow” or “this is uncomfortable.” 

It took a long time for messing around to actually stop feeling foreign and start feeling real. Continue reading →

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Nov 30 2012
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Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Uncategorized, Weekend Winning, What your momma didn't tell you

Persian Girl Gone Wild.

Saaghi here. Its hard to follow after Maz/Jimmy Vestvood, but I’m going to try.

I worked an 18 hour day yesterday, and so tonight, I came home and got high. Loner stoner is not my usual thing- actually never–but Ive discovered  a new level stress thanks to my job. Its even giving me bad dreams, like last night–

I had a nightmare that my Persian Dad found out that I write for Sex& Fessenjoon. And he wouldn’t speak to me, even as I pleaded while balling me eyes out.

I woke up feeling just as sad as I was in my dream, but confused why it affected me so much?

For me, #SEXANDFESSENJOON is all about thinking twice about all that you’ve always been told is wrong, or zesht (dirty, looked down on, ugly, etc).  And partially,

its about defending my right to get high in my underwear, by myself, after work–as a Persian girl.

Or my right to have sex outside of a relationship.

Or even my right to be INAPPROPRIATE.

Cause lets be real, there are too many fucking rules.

tumblr_lvnitvGWoa1r0eog2o1_500

My confession though– Some rules only make sense after your break them. 

Especially the ones that you break over and over again. Continue reading →

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Oct 23 2012
5 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What your momma didn't tell you

Not thug life, but the Double Life.

Happy Tuezday.

Here’s something that made my week: the fact that my friends want me to dress up as Bert for Halloween. My question is,

Which Persian girl puts on a unibrow, voluntarily?

image

I thought bad eyebrows were like bad noses, you get rid of them and deny deny deny you ever had one? Or is the UNI in now? Someone fill me in.

Anyway, my grandparents were in town for awhile, all the way from eeRAN, and aside from lots of lavashak and pistachios, they bring a suitcase full of “Naseehat” (guidance from elders).

The problem with that is, I hate NASEEHAT. I’m comfortable enough with my parents to stop them before they get ahead with all their ‘guidance’ lectures–’Dad, the decibel level of your voice annoys me‘. But with my grandparents, I can’t be so direct. I have to swallow my pride, and smile, and nod–as if I’m actually going to take what they say into consideration.

Do you see how immature and stubborn I am?

But, in my defense, as I’ve… aged… I’ve gotten better at identifiying the ‘GOOD Naseehat‘ from the ‘OBNOXIOUS Naseehat’. Especially now that I’m out on my own, with my own bills and finances and Adult-ness,

I know I can’t learn everything the hard way– cause if I do, it’ll end with bad credit, a mug shot, and an ‘I TOLD YOU SO’. Continue reading →

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Sep 27 2012
4 Comments
Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Here’s my Number, Call me…Maybe?

JOONS.

There’s been a lot of politic and office blabber as of late– and we all know you joonies bookmark this blog for some sexytime.

Unfortunately, the problem with committing to being a sex blogger is that you have to have sex. And while I’m missing some action in my life right now, I’ve been blessed with some variety in the past because, wouldn’t it be boring if an S&F blogger had sex with only one person?

Wait, scratch that—Wouldn’t it be boring if anyone had sex with only one person?

One is too little. How many is too many?

(or as BiBi would say, where’s the red line?)

Obviously there’s no number that works for everyone, but for the average person of this generation, keeping the number low is going to be difficult– considering people get into relationships at a SNAIL’s PACE.

And we all have needs.

But then again, we all have self-control too.

What an internal battle, huh? And then (if it applies) add the whole “Persian girl stuck in an image conscious culture” element, and BAM, you have a serious number complex.

And I’ve done my fair share of research, asking guys I know from all different backgrounds,

“Would you care about a girl’s number?“

and a lot of them are very PC with their answer, but if you keep prying, they’ll say

“Well, I wouldn’t ask…but if its high then I mean..you think something’s up…“

“If its been with guys she was serious with, then it’s fine” 

“I mean as long as its not crazy like 25 or something”

Most of them said this, and I was thinking

“So you’re probably pro-abortion, but you kinda still wanna tell me what to do with my body?” Continue reading →

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Aug 27 2012
9 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

In the Kitchen, Making A Sandwich

JOONIES.

Please tell me you still remember me, its been SO LONG. It’s like a three kiss-on-the-cheek Salaam instead of just two.

Can you believe the summer’s almost over? It feels like yesterday I was blogging about being dragged on vacay with the crazies.

Time flies, and I should know- it was my birthday last week. One year closer to TORSHIDEH&DESPARATE (according to my mother, I’m already there) but we had Holly cover all that, didnt we?

Anyway, so along the same lines of MIA-ness, I’ve also been MIA from the workout scene, a.k.a my downstairs gym. & one glance in a full-length mirror, I realized maybe I should rethink my recent nutritional guidelines. So I decided to head to the grocery store >> to buy ingredients >> to make food for myself.

Let me warn you:

The Kitchen and I have one of those really hot, messy love affairs. I never leave without some burns or cuts, and Kitchen’s always a mess when I leave.

Continue reading →

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Jun 20 2012
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Douche of the Week, NAStY HAAwT, Give it to me, What your momma didn't tell you, Fetish, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Saaghi

A Stage Five Virgin Clinger?

Joonies, Farrah really imparted some Royal Wisdom, yesterday. I even took note, so make sure you read before you continue man-hunting.

As for me, last I left you guys I complained that my virginity is not a challenge. But as one witty comment put it: “*WAS.”

My Virginity Was Not  A Challenge.

I finally figured out what a penis was (outside of a banana), and realized oral sex wasn’t just a prostitute-thing.

In the end, I had sex, and I didn’t castrate the guy afterwards. Or have my hymen reconstructed.   Continue reading →

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