Category Archives: NAStY HAAwT

Jun 06 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows, Weekend Winning

Need You to Spank Me

JOONIESS.

To have to follow David Golshan is a bit much because let’s be real, you really can’t beat that… but you do what you gotta do.  So #LEGGO.

My topic tonight might be a little confusing because I’m still trying to figure everything out myself- but here’s to hoping that you guys can help me out a little bit.

Guilt.

As Persians (men and women), we ALL feel it whether it’s with getting bad grades or having sex out of wedlock.  But it’s how we allow that guilt to take over our decisions and lives that really matters (to me).

When I lost my virginity, I had to justify it to myself.  As if waiting until I was 20 years old and in love wasn’t justification enough, I had to plead with myself that it really was okay to have done the dirty.

I felt the need to convince myself that what I had done wasn’t “wrong,” even though it’s a natural part of life.

Oops I did it again

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Jun 01 2012
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Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Shitshows, Torshideh and Desperate, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

The Club Can’t Handle This Right Now.

salaaam joonies,

today’s post is all about the dark side of being persian– and I’m getting straight to de point.

For some this will be necessary, for others irrelevant. But I promise it is entertaining nonetheless, so LEGGOOO

Persian Club Etiquette For Dummies.

Introduction:

Let me break it down. I know that how much fun you have at clubs is inversely related to how many times you go clubbing. Especially if you start before you hit the legal age, the big 2-1 (eff 18+ nights! #sorryboutit) The earlier you start, the more jaded you get. But aside from that, this is fact:

I can’t count how many times I’ve been clubbing, but I can count how many time’s I’ve enjoyed it.

(Ibiza takes the cake FOSHO)

I go to clubs for music, and dancing– there is nothing better than seeing your favorite DJ play a live set. But for some Persians, clubbing is a different ball game. They ruin it for the rest of us, but if you by chance want to join their ranks– here’s a few lessons.

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May 24 2012
3 Comments
Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Persian Dad, Saaghi, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Is it A Boy or an Abortion?

JOONS, I promise not to disappear like this again without advanced notice, but I can’t help playing hot/cold. I’m told that’s how I’ll get rid of my meth, and get all my men ;)

On another note: Memorial DAY WEEKEND Is approaching!! The first reality check on how far you are from BEACH BODY ready…

damnit.

And also sorry for the title, I just watched THE DICTATOR yesterday and couldn’t help myself…only Sacha Baron Cohen could be offensive/crude/funny all at the same time. Not gonna lie though– you can get all the funny scenes in this 3 minute trailer:

And if you fast forward to 2:19, you’ll know what this post is going to be about!

Honestly, I’m sure nobody’s dad wanted to throw their daughters in the trash can because its not 500AD, however I know for a fact my dad treats me like the ‘son he didn’t have til a few years later’.

I’m the oldest. I’m a girl. And I’m Middle Eastern. Screwed isn’t even the word, I assure you.   Continue reading →

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May 14 2012
7 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What the F

Bullsh!t & Party.

Ayo for Yayo,

anyone see Farrah’s last post? Sh!T’s heated in the comments section, check it out.

And you know, she wrote back cause she’s a BOSS, and I respect her for it. If you don’t vibe with what we write- I respect that too.

& I respect it even more if, despite disagreeing, you keep reading.

Because that is why SEX&FESSENJOON exists. Not because I am obsessed with writing about how much I love sex, how I party, or how embarrassing my dad is.

If you can see past the sex talk, and the capslock/BOLD typing, you’ll see we’re trying to get this culture to start talking. It makes for some uncomfortable reading sometimes, especially if you’re not ready or haven’t had certain experiences yet but take it from a FORMER PRUDE-ITE: when you fall from Eden, you realize how natural “sin” really is.   Continue reading →

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May 11 2012
30 Comments
Farrah, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, NAStY HAAwT

I Don’t Do You #Sorry

Hey joonie joons,

HAPPY FRIDAY YO! This is seriously my favorite day of the week. You leave work KNOWING that you have two full days to chill out … work is always kinda uneventful on Fridays… nodramaFridays. Love them.

Anyway, I’ve been a little MIA this week because major writer’s block lately. This is the problem when you’ve sworn off every man in the city because they are all master douches. But most importantly, I am having a hard time remembering all the crazy shit I used to do- denial much? I think so.

They’re called “shitshows” for a reason—because you do everything in your power to black them out of your memory.   Continue reading →

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May 06 2012
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NAStY HAAwT, Joon, Flavor of the Week, Saaghi

It’s Like This, and Like That

Saaghi Sunday :)

My new obsession is IGGY AZALEA.  She looks like a younger version of Ice-T’s girlfriend.  ”There’s a party on your face, and I’m about to dance on it! ” I feel like that’s what all persian girls are saying with the dirty looks they give at the club.

So here’s a good one for you lovely joonies, AOKI+AZALEA fresh. LISTEN here:

Onto the next:

If there’s anything I know about Persian People its that they judge. Yeah, they can say they don’t but really– they do.

In fact I’m tying their tendency to hold grudges with their tendency to JUDGE. Because the harsher you judge people, when they do something wrong, in your head you think ‘OH I KNEW THEY’D BE LIKE THIS’, and then you ultimately, reject them.

But you set them up for failure to begin with. I know this is especially true for me when it comes to guys. I’ve already made them the villain, before they even start acting like one.

We like being RIGHT more than we like people:   Continue reading →

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May 03 2012
2 Comments
Arab Money, Arab Obsession, Douche of the Week, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Shitshows, What the F

You are SO dumb, FO REAL!

:)

there’s only so many ways you can say hello, and I’m all out for today. & if you love ARAB $$ and SEXY like I do, this song’ll be a hit– summer in Morocco anyone?

and I couldn’t help but post another one for the people going out this weekend:

yeah I kinda gave into #bieberFEVER just a little.

So I’ve decided I have no HOSELEH (HOS for short–patience) for two things:

- ONLINE SHOPPING emails

- Ditzy MEN

One is because I’m broke, the other because I’m too intelligent.

I dont think its ok for girls to play it stupid, but when they actually are that dumb, I just forgive them– because I’m not trying to have sex with them. But for guys, its not that easy. As much as I know not EVERY hook up isn’t going to be an Einstein, I always thought it was safe to assume they have some sort of evolutionary-given common sense. Or could suppress their stupidity for at least the short period of time it takes to get it on.

Saaghi, you’re STUPID. Again.

My friends joke with me that I get with guys on a disability spectrum– from the physically handicapped to the mentally handicapped. I mean there was that one time with the blind guy– but come on! (JK–no one said I was PC on this blog)

But really, now its become a problem: before I’d wait til the next day or tilat least the hookup was over to tell my friends of the stupid sh!t they did, but now I find myself texting/laughing DURING the whole thing.

If I can’t wait to tell the world, it means you’re that ridiculous.   Continue reading →

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May 01 2012
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Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What your momma didn't tell you

The Circle of Fuzzy Feelings

Joonies, its been too long – I missed ya!

Most of the time I find it really hard to write about my feelings.

If you look back in my posts- I’m either Angry, Bitchy, or Embarrassed. I think this comes from the lack of comfort I have with any emotions, in real life. In a sense, I strive for rationality always and prefer cool and calculating over hot and rash #alldayerrday. I suppress the part of me that screams:

Just give me a hug, as I burst into tears.

HUG ME OR ELSE.

Why? Well, I think the world around us really lets us know what way of thinking they value more. You never see a job description stating ‘Proficient with Excel. Detail-oriented. Able to communicate and make decisions based on emotions’

Jonah Lehrer said it best: “People commit crimes of passion. There are no crimes of rationality.‘

So I can trace my suppression of emotions back to when I was 7. Welcome to storytime:

In elementary school, once every few months, we had something called ‘the circle of feelings’ or some BS like that (you see my attitude problem started early). It was like a counselor check-in with the class, some lady from school administration would make us sit in a circle and pass around something fuzzy– that I never wanted to touch because it smelled like old people and there were definitely boogers on it.

And we’d go around the room saying how we felt about everything: home, our friends in class, school, finger painting time- whatever. We started every sentence with “It makes me feel_____ when ______”

Therapy Mad Libs for Kids.

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Apr 30 2012
4 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Do Me Right

Hey JOONIES,

We want to apologize for being MIA for a few days– we promise that will never happen again.

Regardless, we hope our joonies had a fabulous weekend- ours was a little stressful with our life responsibilities back to slap us in the face, but now that it’s under control (kinda)- we’re back and we have something fun to discuss for tonight.

One night stands.

You either love them or you’re the kind of person who judges others for basking in them. 

At least before you die...

I have mixed feelings about it.  I’m a pretty big believer in not having sex unless you’re in a relationship and there are a few reasons for that:

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Apr 15 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Shitshows, Torshideh and Desperate, What the F

Ain’t Fun if Your Homies Can’t Get Some

Hi JOONAMS,

I just want to start off by saying whoever decided that spring break wasn’t for adults was on some serious CRACK.

Moving on… (at least TRYING to).

I’ve mentioned this before, but when it comes to making friends, Persian girls are a tough crowd. We’re not friends with just anyone and we’re quick to hate on any girl that steps out of line.

Persian girls are firm believers in natural selection. We hate so that you become a better person.

It’s really for your own good.  We care about you that much. 

It takes us awhile to accept someone into our inner circle and according to any Persian girl, we are friends with the best of the best.

Persian girls know all

But here is where we go wrong: when it comes to our men screwing up, we are quick to punish the girl before even considering hating on our man of the hour.

*This applies to women of ALL races- whether they’re black, Asian, white, etc.

We only hate on the “bitch who stole our man.”  How does that make sense when there are two consenting adults backstabbing like they actually have the right to?

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