Category Archives: Persian Dad

Jan 17 2013
2 Comments
What the F, Joon, Good Little Muslim Girl, Good Little Jewish Girl, Weekend Winning, Persian Dad, Flavor of the Week, Saaghi

Persian Dad Wisdom for the Job Hunt

So it looks like I get the joy of writing another end-of-the-week post–and I know on a Thursday, the last thing you want to hear is some NASEEHAT – patronizing advice– so I’ll make this as painless as possible.


Math was always my Dad’s thing. Math and Soccer.

and since I didn’t turn out to be some Brandi Chastain or Mia Hamm, my Dad really tried to amp up my Math skills. He would buy me the next year’s textbook for me to prep over the summer. He tried to push me to “proof” my geometry when I was in 5th grade. Basically, he made himself available in anyway when it came to ARITHMETIC, but I dreaded every single tutoring session with him, because it either ended in tears or some sort of fight.

My dad had a low tolerance for stupid mistakes, and he made it pretty clear that most mistakes were stupid.

I would beg my Mom to help me on my Math homework before my Dad got home. but somehow I always ended up on the couch, in misery as my Dad demanded I do my homework, the extra credit, and assigned me more problems that he would grade.

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So by the time I left High School, I was ready to kiss MATH goodbye!

When I was picking a major in College, my dad wanted me to do Engineering, Math, Stats… you catch my drift… and I was quite content doing anything but.  He threatened to not fund my education, so we met halfway…

Economics.

Long story short, that didn’t quite work out later on (and my dad won’t ever let me forget it). But I did end up taking a whole sequence of Math classes, Stats, and some other sh!t with numbers. Now that I look back, I am so f#cking glad  I did.

and I’ll never admit this to my Dad, but he was right. People who know how to work with Numbers usually get hired faster and get paid more. For a reason. Continue reading →

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Dec 23 2012
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

It’s the Holidays and Here Come the FOBs.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I’ll keep it brief because I know you want to go back to your regular eating&sleeping schedule.

For a Persian with immigrant parents, the holidays are not as festive or as merry as they are for sefeeds (white people). Sure, it’s a time to relax, sleep in, and do nothing, but it is also a time where I find myself held captive in a small space with a few other deranged psychos. (it’s all love, I swear).

Holidays with the Crazies, are very similar to Vacation with the Crazies (click for laughs), but there’s one important difference: There’s a huge pressure on this time of year to enjoy your family’s company, and to be around them more than any other time. And look, I get it– I love my family, I don’t have a second family to run away to, but when it comes to being around each other for more than 2 hours– well, that’s when our crazy starts to show.  Growing up, I wished for a picturesque Holiday season, but I soon realized NOPE, WE’RE NOT WHITE–WE’RE DIFFERENT. 

We don’t roast chestnuts over an open fire, we roast each other. And we don’t stop until somebody yells or cries.

For my Father, the Holiday season is a great time for an Annual Review of his Employees (a.k.a his children).

One year, my dad told my brother and me to make a list of what we thought we did wrong in the past year, how we could improve and what our New Year’s goals were. I was 15, my brother was 10. Then we proceeded to write ‘Our Resolution Plan’ on a huge poster board, in bullet-point format, and post it in the hallway outside our rooms.

Accountability was my dad’s Xmas gift to us that year.

Other years, we’d spend the weekend in NYC– walking minimum 65 blocks a day while our noses froze because that was my Dad’s idea of ‘having fun in the city’.

For the rest of the family, it’s a time to let the DRAMA flow. My mom is always prepping for some holiday mehmooni, and yelling at us to not touch the food before the party starts: “DAST NAZAN, BARA MEHMOONEH!” (Don’t touch, its for the guests!) Did my mom not get the memo that holidays means ‘Saaghi devours everything in sight’?

Last year during this time of year, I was lucky enough to have my grandparents (the set that have never been to America) visit — straight from Isfahan. And this made the Holidays that much more lovely. Why?

Because not only was it Welcome to America, it was Welcome to Las Vegas. Continue reading →

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Dec 18 2012
2 Comments
What the F, Divooneh Bitches, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you, Fetish, Good Little Muslim Girl, Good Little Jewish Girl, Persian Dad, Flavor of the Week, Saaghi

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels.

Hola,

2012 is winding down, and I almost can’t believe it. How does time fly? New Years is always an appropriate time for reflection (cliche but inevitable) and I’ve been thinking more about myself, 10 years ago… It might be because my Pandora is set to 90s music? But when you’re 18, you can’t really reflect on what it was like when you were 8.  Now I’m at that age, where I remember what it was like 10, 8, 5 years ago. I remember why I thought the way I did, and why I did the things I did. And with all those memories– I can’t help but feel weird. Is that what happens when you get old– your younger self starts to become a bigger shadow?

Jeez, can I please not get old? #fountainofyouth

Anyway, the more I think about Saaghi circa early 2000s, I realize I haven’t confessed something that really haunted/dogged me for most of those years: My Body.

It’s no secret that Persians are very vocal about weight — “topol” (chubby) is a word that’s just tossed around, almost endearingly, but for a 13 year old girl– that word is damaging.

At least that’s how I felt about it. As a kid, I was never aware of what my body looked like to others. But when I hit puberty, and I had chipmunk cheeks, I was growing boobs, and I was all sorts of awkward–well, I became very aware of what my body looked like from the outside.

People’s comments only reinforced my insecurities and by the time I got to high school, I had also eaten my insecurities. Continue reading →

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Oct 03 2012
4 Comments
Flavor of the Week, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi

Texts from Daddy Joon

Hola,

SO while I’m usually this tree of grandmother-ly wisdom (ha) and hardcore feminism (out of bras to burn). Today, I’m going to be that awkward Persian Girl with an embarrassing Persian Father.

A lot of my friends love my dad. They think he’s hilarious, and it looks like, from some of the comments, some of you joonies think he’s kinda funny too.

Well, it’s all fun and games til it happens to you.

1. Texts From Daddy Joon: Continue reading →

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Jul 12 2012
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Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Muslim Girl, Persian Dad, Shut the Front Door, Torshideh and Desperate

I Dated My Dad

JOONS:

It’s true… I dated my father– but not in the way you think (don’t be gross).  NOT literally.

We’ve all heard this before:

Girls always end up with someone like their father and boys end up with someone like their mother.

And if they’re Persian boys– it only makes sense.  They’re going to be attracted to someone who will nurture and care for their doodooltala-ness (let’s be real).

My dad never really cared for the guys I brought home.  He was always nice to them (aka never had any guns attached to his waist), but he never connected with on a personal level — he was never excited to hang out with them.

Then again, I haven’t given him much material to work with.  My dating history is as bad as the sour milk still in the fridge.  I’ve dated anyTHING from a cheating loser to a dependent bacheh (child) who couldn’t go down the escalator without holding my hand (THERE’S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE PERSON PER STEP).

Continue reading →

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Jul 11 2012
5 Comments
What the F, Divooneh Bitches, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi

Vacation with the Crazies

Holla for dollas.

Its been awhile, maybe because I’m on a family ‘vacation’ a.k.a ‘Not-a-vacation‘

(there are absolutely no Iranians where I am, or black people)

I know the past few posts may make me sound like I hate my family, but lately, I’ve been suffocated with so much FAMILY that I keep getting flashbacks of scarring memories from my childhood– and I just need to air it out on the therapists’couch I call #SEXANDFESSENJOON.

You see, I’ve been blessed with a great family. They truly are the three C’s: caring, compassionate…and CRAZY.

Each of them are CHARACTERS. Each with their own exclusive problem-OCD, ADD, ANXIETY, ALL OF THE ABOVE- and each with their own exclusive way of ‘communication’. Its truly an Irooni- Wes Anderson movie. I’ll leave ‘character bios’ for another post, maybe it is time you joonies MET THE FAMILY (omg, are we there yet? such a huge step).

For now, let me tell you a bit about PERSIAN Family Vacations: SAAGHI style. 

 I hate them. Absolutely dread them like Herpes. and each one I’ve gone on, I have vowed it would be my last (ACTUALLY, we all vow it will be our last)– but of course, we get guilt tripped into the next one.

My experience has taught me one important lesson: Never leave home without earplugs and xanax.

Continue reading →

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Jul 03 2012
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi, What the F

Why Aren’t You Melting?

Joonies,

Happy July 4th!!! The day America became free. The Red, White, and Blue.  The Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. America the Beautiful. This Land is my Land, This Land is your Land. OK, now I’m reciting everything I ever learned in Elementary School Choir.

But in all seriousness, my patriotism runs deep, I’m an American History fanatic (can count the 44 presidents backwards) and I read the Federalist Papers for fun. My ultimate goal in 4th grade was to be a colonial chick, preferably: Felicity of Williamsburg, VA from the American Girl collection. I grew up super-whitewashed, can’t you tell?

And despite what the cynics say, I am very grateful to have been raised in a country that is relatively more free and absolutely more blessed by Jesus. It is what my Persian-Islamic ancestors would have wanted.

Protestant Ethic- WHADDUP

Growing up in a really non-diverse/white state, made me want to be very American– in the sense that I wanted to assimilate, be like the other kids, and not have smelly lunch food. I thought being American meant Lunchables, Pepperoni pizza, and platform Sketchers– all things I was forbidden from. But my American Dream of being one of them would always elude me.

Continue reading →

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Jul 02 2012
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Torshideh and Desperate, Give it to me, Joon, Good Little Muslim Girl, Good Little Jewish Girl, Persian Dad

Where’s Your Boyfriend At?

Happy Monday!

We have a guest post from a very frustrated young reader, who can’t seem to get her Persian family to understand the concept of “My Dating Life is Personal, Stop Talking about it over Ghormeh Sabzi“. 

Enjoy!

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For the most part, middle easterners like to embrace extremes; there really is no middle ground. Take dating for example: somewhere between high school and college, parents go from “You vill NEVER e-speak to a boy” to “Where the –hell- are your khastegars (suitors)?” Who knows, maybe there is mental shift somewhere near the 20th birthday of their daughters, but parents tend to get crazy and suddenly start taking a little TOO much interest in dating life.

My first Thanksgiving back from college, my grandmother and great aunt sat me down for a serious conversation.

This consisted of the most uncomfortable hour of my life, where the serious matter of my lack of dating life was discussed: I was given tips on how to make men interested in me, and want to marry me.

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Continue reading →

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Jun 17 2012
3 Comments
Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, Persian Dad, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Dime A Dozen

Hi joonies,

I’ve told you all about my father– his requirements of a presentation detailing why I should be able to take an internship across the country, his lecturing and his need for my success.  But in the spirit of Father’s Day, I decided it’s time to share with you some stories of how special/embarrassing he really is.

I promise this won’t be too sappy

Growing up, I was the epitome of “problem child.”  I lied, snuck off to meet boys, and ditched class like school was nothing but a silly chore.  My dad’s a professor so you can only imagine how frustrated he was with me all the time.

He hired countless tutors in hopes that my failures in science and math (his strengths) would somehow evolve into victory.  Unfortunately, for him: no such luck.

But I was his only daughter and lucky for ME, he refused to give up.   Continue reading →

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May 24 2012
3 Comments
NAStY HAAwT, What the F, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you, Weekend Winning, Persian Dad, Saaghi

Is it A Boy or an Abortion?

JOONS, I promise not to disappear like this again without advanced notice, but I can’t help playing hot/cold. I’m told that’s how I’ll get rid of my meth, and get all my men ;)

On another note: Memorial DAY WEEKEND Is approaching!! The first reality check on how far you are from BEACH BODY ready…

damnit.

And also sorry for the title, I just watched THE DICTATOR yesterday and couldn’t help myself…only Sacha Baron Cohen could be offensive/crude/funny all at the same time. Not gonna lie though– you can get all the funny scenes in this 3 minute trailer:

And if you fast forward to 2:19, you’ll know what this post is going to be about!

Honestly, I’m sure nobody’s dad wanted to throw their daughters in the trash can because its not 500AD, however I know for a fact my dad treats me like the ‘son he didn’t have til a few years later’.

I’m the oldest. I’m a girl. And I’m Middle Eastern. Screwed isn’t even the word, I assure you.   Continue reading →

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