Category Archives: Saaghi

Jan 01 2013
3 Comments
Farrah, Saaghi

One Year of Sex & Joon

2013 is here, and this past year has been a wild ride for S&F. We started at the end of 2011, and in all honesty, we didn’t know if anyone would read the sh!t we posted online. When in the second week, the site hit 100 views– it felt like we had hit the jackpot.

We’ve never really had expectations and that is probably why everything about Sex&Fessenjoon has just been a crazy surprise.

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Nothing has been more surprising than how much it has become a part of who we each are – as writers for this site. So as an ode to a year of posts that covered everything from divorce to rape, we want to tell the story of what this blog has done for our lives.

the good & the bad.

SAAGHI:

Since this blog launched, I have gotten a lot of questions: Are you the writer for S&F? Do you know the writers? Who are they? 

Honestly, some people I lie to, and some I tell the truth. But now more recently, I find it so much harder to deny because it is a HUGE part of my life, in the sense that its something I invest a lot of time and effort in. I hold a full time job that sometimes requires 80+ hours/week– but there is not a day that goes by, that there is not AT LEAST one conversation between Farrah and I about Sex & Fessenjoon – whether its a blog post, brainstorming, strategy, interviews, etc.

You are what you do. and I do S&F. So I can’t keep it hidden.

Anonymity isn’t this wall that I hide behind, but it is how I protect the people that I love. Unfortunately, with all the questions that people ask, and the suspicions that they have– I know my confirmation or denial will come with a judgment. It’s natural, and especially in the Iranian-American community, a STAMP will be put on my forehead like a Scarlet letter.

‘S’ for Sex blogger. S for Scandal. S for shame.

I don’t care about my reputation (most of the time). But I care A LOT about my family and my friends. As much as I want to take credit for everything that I’ve done for this baby of mine, I know that there will be people who will shun not just me, but my family– and they will judge and talk sh!t.

My parents have done nothing but sacrifice for me and struggle to give me a blessed life. In return, I cannot make their life harder. I know they will stand by me even if they don’t understand, but that is not something I want to ask them to do. Continue reading →

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Dec 23 2012
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi, Weekend Winning, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

It’s the Holidays and Here Come the FOBs.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I’ll keep it brief because I know you want to go back to your regular eating&sleeping schedule.

For a Persian with immigrant parents, the holidays are not as festive or as merry as they are for sefeeds (white people). Sure, it’s a time to relax, sleep in, and do nothing, but it is also a time where I find myself held captive in a small space with a few other deranged psychos. (it’s all love, I swear).

Holidays with the Crazies, are very similar to Vacation with the Crazies (click for laughs), but there’s one important difference: There’s a huge pressure on this time of year to enjoy your family’s company, and to be around them more than any other time. And look, I get it– I love my family, I don’t have a second family to run away to, but when it comes to being around each other for more than 2 hours– well, that’s when our crazy starts to show.  Growing up, I wished for a picturesque Holiday season, but I soon realized NOPE, WE’RE NOT WHITE–WE’RE DIFFERENT. 

We don’t roast chestnuts over an open fire, we roast each other. And we don’t stop until somebody yells or cries.

For my Father, the Holiday season is a great time for an Annual Review of his Employees (a.k.a his children).

One year, my dad told my brother and me to make a list of what we thought we did wrong in the past year, how we could improve and what our New Year’s goals were. I was 15, my brother was 10. Then we proceeded to write ‘Our Resolution Plan’ on a huge poster board, in bullet-point format, and post it in the hallway outside our rooms.

Accountability was my dad’s Xmas gift to us that year.

Other years, we’d spend the weekend in NYC– walking minimum 65 blocks a day while our noses froze because that was my Dad’s idea of ‘having fun in the city’.

For the rest of the family, it’s a time to let the DRAMA flow. My mom is always prepping for some holiday mehmooni, and yelling at us to not touch the food before the party starts: “DAST NAZAN, BARA MEHMOONEH!” (Don’t touch, its for the guests!) Did my mom not get the memo that holidays means ‘Saaghi devours everything in sight’?

Last year during this time of year, I was lucky enough to have my grandparents (the set that have never been to America) visit — straight from Isfahan. And this made the Holidays that much more lovely. Why?

Because not only was it Welcome to America, it was Welcome to Las Vegas. Continue reading →

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Dec 18 2012
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Fetish, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels.

Hola,

2012 is winding down, and I almost can’t believe it. How does time fly? New Years is always an appropriate time for reflection (cliche but inevitable) and I’ve been thinking more about myself, 10 years ago… It might be because my Pandora is set to 90s music? But when you’re 18, you can’t really reflect on what it was like when you were 8.  Now I’m at that age, where I remember what it was like 10, 8, 5 years ago. I remember why I thought the way I did, and why I did the things I did. And with all those memories– I can’t help but feel weird. Is that what happens when you get old– your younger self starts to become a bigger shadow?

Jeez, can I please not get old? #fountainofyouth

Anyway, the more I think about Saaghi circa early 2000s, I realize I haven’t confessed something that really haunted/dogged me for most of those years: My Body.

It’s no secret that Persians are very vocal about weight — “topol” (chubby) is a word that’s just tossed around, almost endearingly, but for a 13 year old girl– that word is damaging.

At least that’s how I felt about it. As a kid, I was never aware of what my body looked like to others. But when I hit puberty, and I had chipmunk cheeks, I was growing boobs, and I was all sorts of awkward–well, I became very aware of what my body looked like from the outside.

People’s comments only reinforced my insecurities and by the time I got to high school, I had also eaten my insecurities. Continue reading →

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Dec 09 2012
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Fetish, Saaghi, What your momma didn't tell you

The Green-Eyed Frenemy

Hello,

I am so hungover from my Company holiday party that its painful to even use my brain, so I’m sorry if this post is a little… elementary. Can you believe it’s already December? and I have no vacation plans. Oh, adulthood has even sucked the joy out of the holidays.

Do you know what else sucks the fun out of the holidays?

Having to see all the people you usually try to avoid.

Its true– at the family parties, mehmoonis, etc– everyone is there, because there is no excuse for missing the occasion. People are home from college, people have off from work, there’s enormous amounts of food; essentially, its like being held hostage at an All-You-Can-Eat buffet.

So basically, holidays sometimes turn into an Annual Review. I hear about everyone’s life:  where they’re at, what’s going on, who they’re sleeping with, where they last vacationed, etc. It’s an exchange of information from the span of one year compacted into one conversation. And what happens is you’re forced to pause and evaluate yourself, especially in comparison to who you’re talking to.

That brings up a lot of feelings. And sometimes, its jealousy.

And you know, I feel bad. I think jealousy gets a bad rep. People think its the ugliest word, and being a “jealous person” is not taken to be a good thing. But its actually a pretty basic instinct, if you think about it.

Jealousy is a part of our nature, like sadness and anger. And if its natural, there has to be some good that comes from it? Continue reading →

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Nov 30 2012
1 Comment
Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, Last Night, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, Uncategorized, Weekend Winning, What your momma didn't tell you

Persian Girl Gone Wild.

Saaghi here. Its hard to follow after Maz/Jimmy Vestvood, but I’m going to try.

I worked an 18 hour day yesterday, and so tonight, I came home and got high. Loner stoner is not my usual thing- actually never–but Ive discovered  a new level stress thanks to my job. Its even giving me bad dreams, like last night–

I had a nightmare that my Persian Dad found out that I write for Sex& Fessenjoon. And he wouldn’t speak to me, even as I pleaded while balling me eyes out.

I woke up feeling just as sad as I was in my dream, but confused why it affected me so much?

For me, #SEXANDFESSENJOON is all about thinking twice about all that you’ve always been told is wrong, or zesht (dirty, looked down on, ugly, etc).  And partially,

its about defending my right to get high in my underwear, by myself, after work–as a Persian girl.

Or my right to have sex outside of a relationship.

Or even my right to be INAPPROPRIATE.

Cause lets be real, there are too many fucking rules.

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My confession though– Some rules only make sense after your break them. 

Especially the ones that you break over and over again. Continue reading →

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Nov 26 2012
2 Comments
Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

Jimmy Vestvood, Love Doctor

Joons -

We are still coming off from our Thanksgiving high and trying to work off all that additional weight we gained stuffing our faces with turkey and fessenjoon. We’re hoping you’re in better shape than we are. As a result, we’re trying to shake off that fessenjoon-goodness by letting someone else take the spotlight tonight.

We’ve had the opportunity to interview some amazing people – from bad asses Ashley Momtaheni and Nima Pourahmadi to rockstar IPANEEMA. So imagine our delight, when Comedian Maz Jobrani agreed to not just an interview — but to giving us some love advice. It sounds crazy — why would S&F need love advice? But you would be surprised…

To be honest, we were a little hesitant at first… What can Maz tell us that we don’t already know? Follow your heart? Bla bla bla. So we decided to investigate and we knew we found the right person for the job when we saw this:

INTRODUCING: JIMMY VESTVOOD.

Maz Jobrani 2.0 — a combination of Maz Jobrani’s comedic swagger, our Persian dads, and all around love guru.

Plus Jimmy’s an Amerikan hero — can you get any sexier than that?

Enjoy!

- Dear Jimmy,

My entire dating history consists of dating Iranian guys. It’s what my parents approve of – it’s the only “race” they will ever allow me to marry into. But lately, I’ve really been into guys outside of my culture. White guys, black guys … the forbidden fruit. I’ve just met this great black guy that I really want to date, but I’m too afraid my parents will never approve of him! What do I do? How do I get my parents to see things from my perspective?

Dees eez a question dat come up all de time in dees day and age. Az you know ve leev in a very melting pot, but I say…

Vhy only try tadeegh from de pot vhen you can have chow mein, black beans, red bens or even deep fried vhite fish. Continue reading →

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Nov 15 2012
2 Comments
What the F, Divooneh Bitches, Shut the Front Door, Give it to me, Saaghi

All-Star CockBlock

salaaam.

I’ve been so MIA. even though I apologized for it last week? I seem like those douchey guys I can’t get enough of …

Well, it hasn’t been all work and no play– that’s why there’s so much to catch you guys up on, like totally OMG! I had quite the weekend, but I need to collect my..uh..thoughts..before I post it all over the WWW.

tears of joy, i promise.

But a few weeks ago I had an epiphany– in the backseat of my car, high out of my mind with the only other PURRsian I can stand to get stoned with ;)

I am my own cockblock.

I am my own natural contraceptive, and I did not know this until the moment where I started really imagining what things looked like from the guy’s perspective– and of course, I could only do this if I was very high because my empathy usually only extends to women #sexism.

Maybe all of this will be “uh, duh!” for you all, but for me its kind of shocking:

1. You’re not Funny to someone who you have never met.

I never really hesitate to crack a joke, or a sarcastic remark– even if I have only met the guy for a few seconds. My logic isn’t “hide behind sarcasm”, its more– ooo there’s an opportunity, go for it! And I always assume people will get it, and even if they don’t…maybe they’ll find it endearing?

Nope.

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Like when I tell a guy my voice sounds like a cow dying?  Hahaa?

My quick “seize the moment” reflex doesn’t always make sense to the other person and I realize now I can quickly go from “girl I’m trying to get to know” to “uh, girl just got weird on me”.

Jokes usually need context, or a little backstory. Especially via email, text, fbook– so much sarcasm and “wit” and “humor” gets lost in translation. Continue reading →

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Nov 05 2012
1 Comment
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Joon, Saaghi, What the F

Sex & Fessenjoon, 2012

HALLO.

It has been so long, and I wanted to say:

It’s not you, it’s me.

Really, work has swallowed me whole sorta. and its making me all sorts of LOOPY– like the other day, I watched 13 going on 30 all by myself (I hate chick flicks) and cried. Or that I spent Sunday shopping for limited edition Disney DVDs? Farrah says it might be because my life hasn’t been very emotional lately– and I think that is code for: its about that time for a douchebag to break my heart again.

Anyway, my sincerest apologies to you joonies, for my cold absence.  And if thats not enough, please accept this amazing Calvin Harris song– after writing this post, I’ll be dancing naked to it in my empty apartment. #baller

And I hope all the people out on the East Coast ( and NJ–where I grew up)– are keeping safe. I know there are many ways to help in the relief effort, but even if you have only two minutes– text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10.

Now I’m not going to assume that all you joonies are reading from the land of the free, home of the brave- Amrika. But its a big day tomorrow– Election Day 2012, OBAMA VS. ROMNEY. Fight to the death.

Just kidding. Although I’d pay-per-view that any day.

I think Elections are exciting. I was 15 when I worked on my first campaign, going from house to house– “canvassing”.  I couldn’t wait to vote, and when 2008 came around, I made my way to the polls and kept the “I Voted!” sticker as a souvenir.

Call me sentimental, call me idealistic, but I still believe voting is empowering. Continue reading →

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Oct 23 2012
5 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What your momma didn't tell you

Not thug life, but the Double Life.

Happy Tuezday.

Here’s something that made my week: the fact that my friends want me to dress up as Bert for Halloween. My question is,

Which Persian girl puts on a unibrow, voluntarily?

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I thought bad eyebrows were like bad noses, you get rid of them and deny deny deny you ever had one? Or is the UNI in now? Someone fill me in.

Anyway, my grandparents were in town for awhile, all the way from eeRAN, and aside from lots of lavashak and pistachios, they bring a suitcase full of “Naseehat” (guidance from elders).

The problem with that is, I hate NASEEHAT. I’m comfortable enough with my parents to stop them before they get ahead with all their ‘guidance’ lectures–’Dad, the decibel level of your voice annoys me‘. But with my grandparents, I can’t be so direct. I have to swallow my pride, and smile, and nod–as if I’m actually going to take what they say into consideration.

Do you see how immature and stubborn I am?

But, in my defense, as I’ve… aged… I’ve gotten better at identifiying the ‘GOOD Naseehat‘ from the ‘OBNOXIOUS Naseehat’. Especially now that I’m out on my own, with my own bills and finances and Adult-ness,

I know I can’t learn everything the hard way– cause if I do, it’ll end with bad credit, a mug shot, and an ‘I TOLD YOU SO’. Continue reading →

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Oct 18 2012
3 Comments
What the F, Shut the Front Door, Give it to me, What your momma didn't tell you, Flavor of the Week, Saaghi

Ayo, I’m tired of using Technology

Good morning.

Its technically my morning, because its 3:19 am, and I canNOT sleep. Blame it on the alcohol, that’s what I get for pounding those double-shot margaritas after work.

Drinking in college is for Fun. Drinking after work is for Sanity.

(of course i dont look this fab @ happy hour)

So what you do when you have alcohol-induced insomnia is try to load up on drunk food so you can fall into a carb-induced coma, but since my cabinets are empty and i only have some KALE in the fridge (who was I kidding when I went grocery shopping?)– I had to turn on the TV. and instead of turning on C-SPAN, I watched Sex and the City– SEASON ONE episodes.

& it provided me with some blogging inspiration: The evolution of technology, and how within 10 years– everything has changed. For better, or for worse.

There was a scene in the episode where Carrie and Big run into each other unexpectedly– though they’re in a relationship, and then casually say goodbye. In that moment, it hit me– neither of the two is exactly sure where the other is going, what they’ll be up to, and when they’ll see each other again.

Updates on status had to be given via a land line phone. Which means you had to be home. not mobile.

Or if Carrie had a moment of crisis (which she does in most episodes), she would have to wait until she got home, got to a payphone, so she could catch one of the girls at home, or in their office– tot talk it through. Or she could leave it for Sunday Brunch.

And to think that land lines and pagers and payphone were within my lifetime…well, it blows my mind.

THen it all hit me,

Technology has redefined personal space.  And our love lives. Continue reading →

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