Filed under Shitshows

Come At Me Bro

Hey Joons,

I’m a little sexed out – better known as not getting any. And while I would love to go on about my problems, I thought I’d dedicate tonight to a slightly more depressing cause. Plus, when I actually think about it, I realize that  99 percent of my anger comes from listening to people’s idiotic opinions/conclusions/etc.

(here’s looking at you, Congress). 

Let me take it back a step. The world’s perception of Iran has changed dramatically over the last few years. Sure, the Hostage Crisis didn’t help in the late 70′s/early 80′s, but for the most part – Iran’s “scary factor” was overshadowed by the gossip of “weapons of mass destruction” in countries like Iraq – and once that was discovered to be untrue (and Saddam Hussein was done with), we focused on Afghanistan, and specifically, Bin Laden.

After we killed the bad guys and started moving toward the “reconstruction period” in those countries, our attention became fixated on Iran - thanks to Ahmadinejad, it wasn’t hard for people around the world to stop and think, “Oh he’s batshit… and he runs a country?!” 

HMIf we were to just take Ahmadinejad at face value, is the “threat” that Iran poses void? No, because we have the supreme pleasure to be in the presence of the puppet master, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei.

Also known as the scary ass man with a turban who preaches about the evils of America and is constantly shown cultivating his relationship with Hezbollah.

Personally, I think we’re more afraid of the turbans than of their power.

As Ann Coulter says, people should be imprisoned just for wearing a “hee-jab” in America because they’re assimilating Americans into their culture and pretty soon – we’ll all have undergone clitorectomies. (watch at 2 minutes and 35 seconds – she’s cray). Gosh, we really need “better immigrants” huh.

I digress. Back to the scary turban’ed men – the idea of them gaining nuclear power is horrifying and I can understand why – we don’t know these people here in America, we don’t know what their intentions are, we don’t know if they actually hate us – so we do the only thing that has proven to be effective in the past (please note my intense sarcasm):

We isolate. We sanction. We make life as difficult as humanly possible for the elite regime of Iran so that they will be forced into giving up any and all power – including nuclear power.

It’s almost like high school – we isolate the weird kid in class, we ignore him, we tease him, we make life as difficult as we can (for high school). And then one day, he ends up bringing a gun to school.

khBut if you ask me, our isolation and intense sanctions routine aren’t having the desired results we’d hope to see.  For one thing, sanctions are hurting the people more than it hurts the regime. Instead of making life harder for the Khamenei’s and Ahmadinejad’s of the world, sanctions are making it more difficult for people to get medical supplies. Cancer patients have barely any access to the necessary medicine to help with their illness (click here).

How are these people a threat to the international community’s national security? Instead, sanctions are victimizing people who have no say in the regime’s nuclear policies.

Furthermore, now that the value of currency in Iran has dropped literally below the point of any value, people are having a difficult time buying daily household necessities, like MILK. Fars News Agency reported that the consumption of milk has decreased by 20 percent as a result of high prices.

That makes sense – Iranians might build a nuclear weapon, so let’s put them at risk for osteoporosis!

I don’t understand the isolation strategy…

Why wouldn’t we want to talk to the people who are the unhappiest with us? Or the people who threaten us? Why wouldn’t we engage them so we can find a solution?

And okay, if the government is just “too crazy” to make any sort of substantial headway with through dialogue – then why aren’t we engaging the people? The next generation of Iranians who have already proven to be both both educated and opinionated?

fillmSanctions are supposedly an effort to mobilize the people to stand up to their oppression (or their government), right? But how are Iranians supposed to do that when they can’t afford everyday household items? Or when every political opposition leader that they’ve had in the last four years sits under house arrest?

Additionally, a  new round of sanctions have been passed that ban intellectuals from publishing their findings in scientific journals. Yes, let’s silence the intellectual community of Iranians and continue to allow the regime to have a voice in the media.

We expect people to find a way to gain access to information without helping them. We expect people to SPEAK OUT without allowing them the platform to do it. How can we expect change when we discourage it through our policy?

In the U.S., we preach the importance of democracy, and the values and human rights that democracy provides citizens. We exemplify to the world that democracy is the model form of governance. In fact, we even hope for established democracies in countries like Egypt, Iraq, and Iran. However, sanctions steal the citizen’s basic human rights. Iranians suffer from censorship and the lack of basic needs like dairy products or medicine.

We should be working with the people of the country – equipping them with the right tools to not only, survive but to have a voice. 

And while many of us don’t have the power to create change immediately, we all have a voice – it’s easy to forget those who are suffering when we are mad or when it doesn’t affect us directly. But we need to make sure the unheard voices are loud and clear for the rest of the world.

SEXANDFESSENJOON@GMAIL.COM

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TWEET AT ME: @FARRAH_JOON

PleaseDONTSanctionME,

FARRAH فرح
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I’m A Lady

Hey joonams,

I’ve been especially sickly this week so please excuse any random mutterings below. But in my defense, I had a pretty confusing week/end.

Let me start from the beginning… 

On Friday night, I met up with my ex and his best friend at a party – my ex leaves the party early without his friend … and the night proceeds with drinks and dancing. Suddenly, we’re making out (me and the friend) – no readiness, no expectations, it was probably just the booze taking over our brains (and grasp of common sense). And he just kept saying to me, “Don’t worry your ex won’t care.”

betI woke up the next morning just horrified – that “oh f#ck” moment you have when you wake up after drinking too much and start getting hit with flashbacks from the night before.

I was disgusted for not making the more responsible decision and I was disgusted with him for trying to convince me it was okay. It was mortifying and all I wanted to do was forget it ever happened (and never see either of them again). 

Of course, way easier said than done – especially when you all live in a tiny, incestuous city. But all I really wanted was for the friend to text me like he said he would, so I could end the situation:

Listen, I don’t think this is such a good idea. K thanks. 

I wasn’t sure if he would actually text me…

But I knew that I wouldn’t be the first to text him… because guys are always expected to text first. That’s what the rules are according to our society.

bm

When girls give out their phone number to some guy they meet – they usually wait for that guy to contact them first. We wait for the stupid 3 day rule to pass and if we don’t hear from them by then – we let go.

Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule – but ultimately, this is the game we all play.

I felt like if my ex’s friend didn’t text me then this whole fiasco was ending on HIS terms … because based on our gender roles, it’s fact that I wouldn’t contact him first. (Obviously, this whole inner conflict also has to do with some major pride issues, but we can talk about that another time).

But discussing this with a friend, he brought up the fact that if no one has contacted the other – it ends on no one’s terms.

Furthermore, he asked if I’m so “pro-women” and equal rights, then why do I let gender roles define my social life? Continue reading

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Panties Hit The Ground When Taking Shots

Hey joonies,

I just have to say, this day… sucks. How can any day follow Inauguration day? Seriously, as a country – we should be given the day after the Inauguration off to mentally prepare for how boring our lives really are.  Hope you all had a chance to check out my Inauguration day photos via the amazing social media world of Twitter (click here).

Here is my personal favorite from the day (because it’s of me obviously… and Saaghi jooooon designed it ;) ):

far

Obama is my joooooon

Anyway, I received some valuable insight today at work – always learning, my boss would be so proud - I was told this:

All men are dogs – there are the purebreds and the street dog/mutts. Purebreds can be trained… they are keepers. Mutts are for the streets.

I’m still trying to figure out the difference between a mutt and a purebred — so I can’t really dissect that one for now, but I’ll keep you all posted. As always.

When I graduated high school – I really didn’t think about all of that. All that pressure of finding a nice guy who is responsible, well suited for dad, and treats me well (AKA a purebred) was never the main focus in my mind. Back then it was all about whether they were hot … or not.

He is so not suitable for dad

He is so not suitable for dad

In the early days of college, going out was about meeting boys and either bringing them back to our place or making out with them at the bar. And that was just the norm.

We went out solely to meet boys – our night’s fun was dependent on how many times we gave our number out and whether we kissed anyone. Continue reading

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My Ass Is So Smart

Hi joonies,

Three day weekends bring meaning to my life. I was very fortunate to be able to go see Salman Rushdie speak tonight — hilarious guy, especially when he talked about “fucking”– but he definitely didn’t turn me on.  Instead, he got me thinking about all the awkward sex moments I’ve had. (badbakht)

Not every sexual experience is going to be the toe-curling, hair pulling, crazy/amazing kind of sex.

The kind of sex that you spend the rest of the week fantasizing about because it was just that great. 

Sometimes sex with someone ends up being one of those memories you cringe at every time you think about it — the kind of sex where you wake up the next day like “ughhh fuck.”

Not that I’ve had a LOT of sex or anything (because I’m a virgin… obviously), but I’ve definitely learned a few valuable lessons along the road to successful sex/oral.

Sex it up

1.  CLOSE YOUR EYES. (applies to oral mostly). 

Personally, I don’t have experience with this, but that’s because I’m lucky that people like to give details (no matter how well they know me– awkward moments brings people together).  I’ve been lucky to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And I’m mostly grateful because not only, does this sound weird and kind of gross, but it shit supposedly hurts too.

I’ve come to realize that guys can’t really direct their fluids on where to go.  Sure, they can move their doodool-tala to the side if they’re thinking ahead.  But how many guys actually think ahead?  And if you’re not really down with the whole excess protein in your mouth thing, then you probably jerk your head off the tip the second you hear, “I’m gonna come.” (let’s hope they give you the warning).

Listen, semen can seriously fly sometimes.  I mean, it can shoot up high and if you’re not careful, it can get in your eye.

Be prepared.  And protect the part of your face that allows you to see. Continue reading

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I’m Going To Come

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile since I’ve written about sex — I’ve been so stuck in my “corruption/people suck” phase that I almost forgot what this blog is really about.  S.E.X.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been having so much sex lately (jk kinda) that I almost feel awkward writing about it because I feel like someone is going to tell on me (knowing the Persian community, they’re probably three steps ahead of all that). 

Oh well. If you’re dating/f#cking me, you’re collateral damage. #sorrynotsorry.

OMG I’m on S&F

^^ That was my last boyfriend’s reaction when I posted about him.

JUST KIDDING: He was NOT happy (click here).

Good sex comes with practice, bad sex comes naturally. Continue reading

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Slack Jaw This

Hi Joonams,

We got a little political last week and though I’m tempted to go on a rant about the new MEK delisting and how corrupt government is… I’ll refrain myself.

Let’s be honest, MEK doesn’t deserve any face time on this blog. 

But maybe the threat of corruption does especially when it sinks in to your professional life.  I’ve been out of college for two years now – one year spent as a starved intern pining for free tacos every Thursday – and now one year spent in the professional world of employment.

Employment and internships are two very different worlds.

Aside from having to say “yes” to everything (short of bending over) as an intern, you’re only real competition are your fellow interns.  Don’t get me wrong- interns play rough – you’re all fighting for the same thing = one shot, one job.

Interns are like hungry animals fighting over one piece of meat

You’re not necessarily exposed to the underlying gossip and back-end office drama that suddenly becomes available to you as soon as you sign an employment contract.

As an employee of a company or an organization, competition isn’t just your average intern / “I had this idea first” drama – people play dirty.  Fresh meat comes in and all of a sudden, your equals at work are threatened… they’re not just fighting to show you up, they’re fighting to prove something.  They’re fighting to prove that you are somehow lesser than you represented yourself in your interview.

Be real, we all exaggerate a little in our interviews.  Like my Farsi is really THAT good that I can translate a news article in English.  Half the time I don’t even know WTF they say on BBC Persian (jk… kinda).

My first major reality check at work:

Get everything in writing and don’t confide in people until you are 110% sure they got your back. Continue reading

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It Really Hurt When I Fell From Heaven

JOONS.

It’s Sunday night.  By the time I finish writing this post, I have to get ready for work tomorrow, so excuse me while I take my time.

This post is for the boys though I’m certain the ladies will definitely have some input on this one so please don’t be shy.

I don’t know if it’s because the humidity has stopped and I’m not sweating through the day anymore or WHATthef#ck is in the air these days, but I’ve been getting a little more attention than normal lately.  It’s probably because all the less psycho girls are taken- NOT that I like to complain about getting hit on… but it’s a bit much.

Especially when guys use lines like…

Are you a model?”

Um I’m 5’3″ bitch, thanks for rubbing it in.

Just another day in MY life (clearly)

Look I get it… dating is hard and you have to be creative when it comes to meeting people.  And sure, sometimes its nerve-wracking to think of something witty to say to get the girl’s attention.

I understand the pressure guys have to deal with if they want to approach a random girl (just be happy you don’t have to give birth). Continue reading

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Love Me Not

JOONAMS.

T-4 till Friday– have you noticed how the beginning of almost ALL my posts start with the mention of Friday? That’s because Friday is fun-day and it is my life.

If you guys have been following us for awhile, then you’ve probably learned a thing or two about me.  1.  I moved far far away from my family.  2.  I have a slight phobia when it comes to commitment (click here). 

I think I’ve exhausted the topic of my family a bit– no more funny stories left, now just the pain, sweat and tears that follow an Iranian upbringing.  But that’s irrelevant for tonight’s topic.

I’ve always been someone who has to have control, who’s not willing to compromise and who’s biggest fear is vulnerability.

Clearly, I’m not as mature as I thought

Continue reading

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Bringing Sexy Back

JOONIES.

So today I found out– that it’s not me, it’s my oven. It doesn’t work and so instead of starving I decided to order pizza. After which I had the realization, I don’t think any man comes close to the way I feel about Stuffed Crust Pizza.

The best sex or Stuffed Crust Pizza? You know, in all honesty, I’d hesitate on that one.

As you can tell, I’m multi-tasking today, blogging/stuffing my face.

So in a topic completely un-related, I want to talk about…SEXY.

A while ago, I asked what it meant to be, like, really deep? And you know, SEXY is also an ambiguous term. Is it Kate Upton on the cover of  GQ? or is it one of those days when you wake up and decide you kick ass?

Is it Cleavage or Confidence?

To tell you the truth, it’s probably a bit of both. Sexy, like other things, is in the eye of the beholder.

Some guys I talk to think sexy is their girlfriend after an intense work, and some girls think nothing is sexier than guy with ambition.

The only real truth about sex appeal is that it is universal.

As a woman (because that’s the only perspective I can speak from, although I wish I could be a sexy man for a day) I think sex appeal is a dangerous game to play. Now, I’m not a bra-burning feminist– and I’m definitely nobody’s mother. But the other day, I was at a frat party– I’m too old to be going to those– and I was pretty shocked at what I saw.

Girls in lace bras, see through shirts, booty shorts, skirts, and sky high heels– roaming around a house that smells like beer trying to find a boy to hang onto. This is old news, and I am not saying I was above this scene when I was in school–

I don’t care if they have sex with random frat boys, or they drink til they pass out (I mean I care, but really…we’ve all been there). But I kind of cared that all of them seemed so insecure.

But for the first time (sober), when I looked at these young freshmen girls I saw them for what they really were: little kids playing dress-up, uncomfortable in their skin, and really just trying to be desired. For them, the frat guys validated their sex appeal. Continue reading

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What College Taught Me About Sex

Joonies, for those of you in college/going to college—I know you’re looking forward to the stellar academic opportunities coming your way. I mean which Persian family lets their kids go to a party school anyway? Pshhtttt..

But realistically, whether you decide to keep your head in the books or rage from Margarita Mondays to SundayFundays – you’re going to have to deal with sex in college. Directly or indirectly because your roommate keeps kicking you out with a post-it on the door.

There are a few lessons you learn only after you’ve become a seasoned college student with a penchant for self-pity. Lucky for you guys, I’m not only seasoned, I’m fully marinated.

Continue reading

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