Filed under Torshideh and Desperate …

May 14 2013
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Flavor of the Week, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

I Am Dashing Like Storm

Our guest blogger tonight is, Ayesha – a Pakistani woman – who not only has a lot of opinions, but she’s not afraid to share them. Get ready for a (necessary) reality check. Enjoy!

Hey joons,

As of recently, my mother has gone on a “shadi brigade” [wedding bandwagon]. She is worried that her eldest daughter is beyond her age of getting married.

Basically I am dinosaur old in Pakistani years, but biologically I am just 25.

My mother thinks that after “letting” me having my own way in life [me running away from home and doing my own thing wasn't my own choice apparently, in her opinion], she wants to impose the regular brown life on me. According to her, its about time I followed the natural course of action aka get hitched to some brown dude and reproduce his spawn. [ew ew ew]

wedding

Though I have tried endlessly to explain to her that I am not really a typical kid and the whole idea is nothing but disastrous. It just seems all of my reasoning falls on deaf ears.

Here is why I am an unfit bride:

1. I do not want kids:

My youngest sister was 5yrs old when I was 19. I have been a second mom to my siblings and there is no way I am doing this all over again. I am done with parenting and baby drama and I honestly, don’t want to be a human incubator.

2. I cant be a housewife:

I live on my own, I work, I volunteer in the community, I do my own shit.

Pak/brown dudes are like man-childs because their mamas would act as housemaids for their grown ass – even when they turn 60. Women are considered to be born for “certain” roles, so if you don’t follow that “role” you are doomed. Continue reading →

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Apr 29 2013
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Flavor of the Week, Joon, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

Do I Have It All?

Holly Dagres – Middle East commentator, world traveler, and joooon. Here’s what she has to say: 

You know the song, “Independent Woman” by Destiny’s Child?  The likes of those kind of lyrics are what I live by.  Even better, the unknowing feminist, Margaret Thatcher had a good line (I’m not a Thatcherite by the way),

“I will never be one of those women, who stays silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen doing the washing up for that matter. One’s life must matter. Beyond all the cleaning, cooking and the children – one’s life must matter more than that… I will not die washing a teacup.”

Ironically, Lady Gaga had an even more concise quote,  “Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

gaga

Point being, that’s the kind of motto I live by.

I don’t want to be a pushover; I don’t want to be just somebody’s wife. I don’t want to be left stranded if the man I love decides to get up and leave, cheat, or God forbid dies on me. Continue reading →

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Feb 10 2013
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Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

My Pickle is Ripe

Hi JOONS,

It’s been too long. I’ve had sexandfessenjoon withdrawals – more fessenjoon and less sex, if you know what I mean. I’ve had the pleasure of participating in some quality family time lately. Home-cooked meals, clean sheets, and unsolicited love advice – really, what more could you ask for?

My mom especially had a lot of questions for me on this visit – how’s my job … which lasted all of 30 seconds before she interrupted to ask about my dating life. Here’s something you should all probably know about my mother:

For as long as I can remember, my mom told me to steer clear of Persian boys and she stressed the importance of being an independent woman.

Through the years, she became more emphatic with this advice – especially after her divorce.

“Farrah, marriage is estupid. Anyvone who is married right now is unhappy – believe me.” 

“Farrah, never depend on a man. Dey are all after vone ting.” 

And as much as I think my mom is a little cray at times, those words really resonated. More importantly, I thought she would be the last person to bug me that my biological clock is ticking… at 25.

vibrateBut the second I walked through the door of her home, she was like, “Who are you dating? Vhen do you vant to get married? Is dere anyvone in VAA-SHING-TOON who is good?”

My response is always the same, “No mom, I’m good for now… thanks though.”

But clearly, my persistence on wanting to focus on my career and life didn’t sit well with her this time.

At 25, I’m on the brink of torshideh. And once I’m pickled and “old” – I won’t be wife material anymore. Continue reading →

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Nov 26 2012
2 Comments
Farrah, Flavor of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, Torshideh and Desperate, What your momma didn't tell you

Jimmy Vestvood, Love Doctor

Joons -

We are still coming off from our Thanksgiving high and trying to work off all that additional weight we gained stuffing our faces with turkey and fessenjoon. We’re hoping you’re in better shape than we are. As a result, we’re trying to shake off that fessenjoon-goodness by letting someone else take the spotlight tonight.

We’ve had the opportunity to interview some amazing people – from bad asses Ashley Momtaheni and Nima Pourahmadi to rockstar IPANEEMA. So imagine our delight, when Comedian Maz Jobrani agreed to not just an interview — but to giving us some love advice. It sounds crazy — why would S&F need love advice? But you would be surprised…

To be honest, we were a little hesitant at first… What can Maz tell us that we don’t already know? Follow your heart? Bla bla bla. So we decided to investigate and we knew we found the right person for the job when we saw this:

INTRODUCING: JIMMY VESTVOOD.

Maz Jobrani 2.0 — a combination of Maz Jobrani’s comedic swagger, our Persian dads, and all around love guru.

Plus Jimmy’s an Amerikan hero — can you get any sexier than that?

Enjoy!

- Dear Jimmy,

My entire dating history consists of dating Iranian guys. It’s what my parents approve of – it’s the only “race” they will ever allow me to marry into. But lately, I’ve really been into guys outside of my culture. White guys, black guys … the forbidden fruit. I’ve just met this great black guy that I really want to date, but I’m too afraid my parents will never approve of him! What do I do? How do I get my parents to see things from my perspective?

Dees eez a question dat come up all de time in dees day and age. Az you know ve leev in a very melting pot, but I say…

Vhy only try tadeegh from de pot vhen you can have chow mein, black beans, red bens or even deep fried vhite fish. Continue reading →

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Oct 29 2012
5 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Torshideh and Desperate

We Play By My Rules

Joon joons,

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, I’ve been quarantined off to my room for the past day (and tomorrow).  Crazy wind and rain got nothing on me – I’m still kicking. To all our readers on the East Coast — stay safe and dry.  Sandy can’t touch this.

I’m not really a fan of break-ups.  For obvious reasons, I’m sure most of us aren’t. If I’m the one who wants to do the dumping, I will do everything in my power to avoid it and encourage the other person to do it for me.  I’m so mature, clearly.

My go-to move: “let’s take a break” in hopes that in those few days, the guy will come to his senses.  That rarely happens.

Honesty is always the best policy.

The one time I was dumped when it wasn’t on my terms – it devastated me.  Love was never really a factor and my lack of worthy relationship experience didn’t really prepare me for what followed the breakup.

I turned into one of those girls that I’d always looked down at — crying constantly…

I started my job the day after he dumped me so having to be the “new girl” with a fake smile on my face was probably one of the hardest things in my first few weeks of work.  I couldn’t eat my lunch, I would escape to the bathroom to keep tears from falling in front of everyone, and I cried everyday on the metro back home after work.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that — sometimes you just have to purge out your pain but…

The real world isn’t going to wait for you to sulk over your ex-boyfriend. Continue reading →

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Sep 11 2012
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Joon, Saaghi, Torshideh and Desperate, What the F

Yeah, She’s D for D.

ayy JOONAMS

Hope we made the early week a little more bearable  for you guys with a little humor on the tumbLOLr (tumble here).  As for myself, I’ve been putting this song on REPEAT…mourning over the fun/careless summer I never had #firstworldproblems #momoneymoproblems

hit play if you feel like your summer was unjustly cut short, too.

Do you know what’s great about speaking another language a.k.a Persian/Farsi?

The sh!t talking.

Yes, we’re all guilty of being mean in our mother tongue. It’s a privilege we use and abuse.

And its not just Iranians– anyone with the advantage of a second language can and does do it. I swear my nail lady is always talking smack about me in a voice that’s barely above a whisper.  However, for my friends and I- Farsi doesn’t cut it anymore.

In California: Talk Shit, Get Hit. Especially if its in Persian. The chance that someone in the room understands you is more than 50%, and the chance that you’re talking about a Persian is even higher.

So when all else fails, we use acronyms. And this was a long-winded introduction for our most meaningful one yet:

D for D = Desperate for D!CK Continue reading →

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Aug 29 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, Shitshows, Torshideh and Desperate, What the F

Bringing Sexy Back

JOONIES.

So today I found out– that it’s not me, it’s my oven. It doesn’t work and so instead of starving I decided to order pizza. After which I had the realization, I don’t think any man comes close to the way I feel about Stuffed Crust Pizza.

The best sex or Stuffed Crust Pizza? You know, in all honesty, I’d hesitate on that one.

As you can tell, I’m multi-tasking today, blogging/stuffing my face.

So in a topic completely un-related, I want to talk about…SEXY.

A while ago, I asked what it meant to be, like, really deep? And you know, SEXY is also an ambiguous term. Is it Kate Upton on the cover of  GQ? or is it one of those days when you wake up and decide you kick ass?

Is it Cleavage or Confidence?

To tell you the truth, it’s probably a bit of both. Sexy, like other things, is in the eye of the beholder.

Some guys I talk to think sexy is their girlfriend after an intense work, and some girls think nothing is sexier than guy with ambition.

The only real truth about sex appeal is that it is universal.

As a woman (because that’s the only perspective I can speak from, although I wish I could be a sexy man for a day) I think sex appeal is a dangerous game to play. Now, I’m not a bra-burning feminist– and I’m definitely nobody’s mother. But the other day, I was at a frat party– I’m too old to be going to those– and I was pretty shocked at what I saw.

Girls in lace bras, see through shirts, booty shorts, skirts, and sky high heels– roaming around a house that smells like beer trying to find a boy to hang onto. This is old news, and I am not saying I was above this scene when I was in school–

I don’t care if they have sex with random frat boys, or they drink til they pass out (I mean I care, but really…we’ve all been there). But I kind of cared that all of them seemed so insecure.

But for the first time (sober), when I looked at these young freshmen girls I saw them for what they really were: little kids playing dress-up, uncomfortable in their skin, and really just trying to be desired. For them, the frat guys validated their sex appeal. Continue reading →

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Aug 21 2012
11 Comments
Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Joon, Torshideh and Desperate, What the F

Something I Never Want to be a Part Of

Joons,

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a guest post and we all know you get a little tired of us from time to time– plus, there’s only so much sex we can have… at once… (joke).  Please meet Holly Dagres- Iranian American- Aslan Media Columnist- Researcher for Cairo Review- World Traveler- Bad Ass of All Things Middle East – this list could really go on for an entire post so check out her website (click here).  

Joonies, I like to pride myself on being an Iranian-American with having the unique opportunity to grow up in Iran during my teenage years. It’s definitely given me a nuanced perspective of things people don’t often look profoundly into. Coming from divorced parents, the idea of marriage has always been approached with caution. It’s no wonder that when the topic of “khastegaris” (marriage proposals) comes up, I tend to cringe at how simple people choose their significant others.

Ever since I could remember, I’ve had mothers running up to me on street corners, asking if I had not wed yet. This is just based off of my not so Iranian features, which consists of fair skin (you’ll learn why that’s important in a moment).

Then there was the one neighbor who offered my mother a ‘business deal’– my hand in marriage for her son.

Continue reading →

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Jul 30 2012
6 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Shut the Front Door, Torshideh, Torshideh and Desperate

What Will You Give Me?

JOONIES!

Happy Monday… more importantly, T-4 TILL FRIDAY.  Yeah, Fridays are my favorite.

Leeet’s get right to it.  This is something I’ve been thinking about/bothered by for awhile now… I used to think it was just in my head until I had a conversation with a friend recently who’s slightly older than me.  She’s in her late-20′s and single.  NOTHING wrong with that, ya dig?  But in Persian standards, that is the epitome of torshideh.

Our culture thrives on this notion that if a woman isn’t married before she hits 28 then she is somehow incapable.

Doesn’t look so torshideh to me.

Continue reading →

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Jul 25 2012
6 Comments
Farrah, Joon, Torshideh and Desperate

Spending Nights in Tehran

Hi JOONAMS,

Thought I might dial it back tonight and just relive some great memories.  Somethings you just never want to forget because it plays a pivotal role in developing your personality… your ideals… and that’s what my trips to Iran were for me.

Going to Iran was something I looked forward to the second I stepped off the plane back in the United States.  Leaving my grandparents, cousins and other relatives/friends behind was always one of the hardest things I ever had to do (and still to this day nothing compares).

Tehran, Iran

I always left with this gut wrenching thought, “What if I can’t come back next year and see them again? What if this is goodbye for good?”

I’ve been back once since I graduated from college and even though, it’s only been two years– I feel like I’m gripping onto the memories in fear that one day, they just might leave me.  Because now more than ever, it is unlikely I can go back for sometime.

And now there is all this talk of war and harsher sanctions — there is still the endless imprisonment of bloggers, political thinkers, and human rights defenders –

Yet all the focus remains on Iran’s deteriorating relationship with Israel and their nuclear program, which causes people outside of Iran to forget that Iranians are regular people.

Continue reading →

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