Tag Archives: sex and fessenjoon

Oct 23 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What your momma didn't tell you

Not thug life, but the Double Life.

Happy Tuezday.

Here’s something that made my week: the fact that my friends want me to dress up as Bert for Halloween. My question is,

Which Persian girl puts on a unibrow, voluntarily?

image

I thought bad eyebrows were like bad noses, you get rid of them and deny deny deny you ever had one? Or is the UNI in now? Someone fill me in.

Anyway, my grandparents were in town for awhile, all the way from eeRAN, and aside from lots of lavashak and pistachios, they bring a suitcase full of “Naseehat” (guidance from elders).

The problem with that is, I hate NASEEHAT. I’m comfortable enough with my parents to stop them before they get ahead with all their ‘guidance’ lectures–’Dad, the decibel level of your voice annoys me‘. But with my grandparents, I can’t be so direct. I have to swallow my pride, and smile, and nod–as if I’m actually going to take what they say into consideration.

Do you see how immature and stubborn I am?

But, in my defense, as I’ve… aged… I’ve gotten better at identifiying the ‘GOOD Naseehat‘ from the ‘OBNOXIOUS Naseehat’. Especially now that I’m out on my own, with my own bills and finances and Adult-ness,

I know I can’t learn everything the hard way– cause if I do, it’ll end with bad credit, a mug shot, and an ‘I TOLD YOU SO’. Continue reading →

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Oct 18 2012
3 Comments
Flavor of the Week, Give it to me, Saaghi, Shut the Front Door, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Ayo, I’m tired of using Technology

Good morning.

Its technically my morning, because its 3:19 am, and I canNOT sleep. Blame it on the alcohol, that’s what I get for pounding those double-shot margaritas after work.

Drinking in college is for Fun. Drinking after work is for Sanity.

(of course i dont look this fab @ happy hour)

So what you do when you have alcohol-induced insomnia is try to load up on drunk food so you can fall into a carb-induced coma, but since my cabinets are empty and i only have some KALE in the fridge (who was I kidding when I went grocery shopping?)– I had to turn on the TV. and instead of turning on C-SPAN, I watched Sex and the City– SEASON ONE episodes.

& it provided me with some blogging inspiration: The evolution of technology, and how within 10 years– everything has changed. For better, or for worse.

There was a scene in the episode where Carrie and Big run into each other unexpectedly– though they’re in a relationship, and then casually say goodbye. In that moment, it hit me– neither of the two is exactly sure where the other is going, what they’ll be up to, and when they’ll see each other again.

Updates on status had to be given via a land line phone. Which means you had to be home. not mobile.

Or if Carrie had a moment of crisis (which she does in most episodes), she would have to wait until she got home, got to a payphone, so she could catch one of the girls at home, or in their office– tot talk it through. Or she could leave it for Sunday Brunch.

And to think that land lines and pagers and payphone were within my lifetime…well, it blows my mind.

THen it all hit me,

Technology has redefined personal space.  And our love lives. Continue reading →

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Oct 10 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, Shut the Front Door, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Love, or Something Like It.

Hello there,

It feels like this week is dragging, am I the only one who feels like it should be Thursday? Overall, this week has been so blah minus the one highlight: a painless Brazilian wax.

Yes, I am now numb to the what used to feel like a harsh spanking (unless you’re into that #nojudgement) .

Besides these small little discoveries, there is not much else that seems to go on in my life.  I work, eat, blog, sleep. And repeat.  There used to be a big block in my schedule for my METH (my girlfriends), but that space no longer exists. I’ve been forced into withdrawal and like any addict, for awhile, I didn’t know what Rehab to check into?

Turns out, I didn’t get into the Betty Ford Center– I got  the 14 Hour Workdays to Sobriety Program.

So without meth, and without sex, I’ve been thinking a lot about…Love.

Let me give you some background on what L-O-V-E means to me. (and when I say love, I mean anything from strong crush–eternal love) Do you know what my favorite movie was from the 90s? #blastfromthepast

Yeah, 10 things I hate about you. If there was ever a love story I would love to live, that would be the one– not cause its Shakespeare, and not cause its Heath Ledger, but because Cynical-Feminist meets Dangerous BadA$$ and then writes him a poem about how much she hates everything about him (which is code for I love you). Watch the scene below:

If Love was a man, that is the poem I’d read for him, before storming out. Continue reading →

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Sep 27 2012
4 Comments
Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Here’s my Number, Call me…Maybe?

JOONS.

There’s been a lot of politic and office blabber as of late– and we all know you joonies bookmark this blog for some sexytime.

Unfortunately, the problem with committing to being a sex blogger is that you have to have sex. And while I’m missing some action in my life right now, I’ve been blessed with some variety in the past because, wouldn’t it be boring if an S&F blogger had sex with only one person?

Wait, scratch that—Wouldn’t it be boring if anyone had sex with only one person?

One is too little. How many is too many?

(or as BiBi would say, where’s the red line?)

Obviously there’s no number that works for everyone, but for the average person of this generation, keeping the number low is going to be difficult– considering people get into relationships at a SNAIL’s PACE.

And we all have needs.

But then again, we all have self-control too.

What an internal battle, huh? And then (if it applies) add the whole “Persian girl stuck in an image conscious culture” element, and BAM, you have a serious number complex.

And I’ve done my fair share of research, asking guys I know from all different backgrounds,

“Would you care about a girl’s number?“

and a lot of them are very PC with their answer, but if you keep prying, they’ll say

“Well, I wouldn’t ask…but if its high then I mean..you think something’s up…“

“If its been with guys she was serious with, then it’s fine” 

“I mean as long as its not crazy like 25 or something”

Most of them said this, and I was thinking

“So you’re probably pro-abortion, but you kinda still wanna tell me what to do with my body?” Continue reading →

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Sep 17 2012
36 Comments
Arab Money, Douche of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, What the F

Islamophobia Can Suck It.

JOONS.

The way I feel about religion is the way I feel about myself during Puberty. Hate it, but can’t pretend it never happened.

I was raised Muslim. I have issues with the religion, I’m not practicing but there is no doubt that my blood is as Islamic as it gets… you can take a look at my family tree, if you know what I mean.

And for years now, I’ve been observing Islamophobia– passively. I’m not a hijabi,  I can conceal my religious heritage.  And while I’ve never denied being a Muslim, I sure have conveniently left it out of conversations.

Villifying ‘Muslims’, as you know, condemns all Muslims regardless of where they fall on the spectrum of extremism to laissez faire. These past few days, have just been a little too much for me. The movie, Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s article, the protests…

is it an Islamic Awakening, or is the AntiChrist coming?

Either way, many of us kids who grew up with a pretty significant amount of Islamic influence know that

Islam is a religion, but religion is culture. Continue reading →

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Sep 11 2012
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Joon, Saaghi, Torshideh and Desperate, What the F

Yeah, She’s D for D.

ayy JOONAMS

Hope we made the early week a little more bearable  for you guys with a little humor on the tumbLOLr (tumble here).  As for myself, I’ve been putting this song on REPEAT…mourning over the fun/careless summer I never had #firstworldproblems #momoneymoproblems

hit play if you feel like your summer was unjustly cut short, too.

Do you know what’s great about speaking another language a.k.a Persian/Farsi?

The sh!t talking.

Yes, we’re all guilty of being mean in our mother tongue. It’s a privilege we use and abuse.

And its not just Iranians– anyone with the advantage of a second language can and does do it. I swear my nail lady is always talking smack about me in a voice that’s barely above a whisper.  However, for my friends and I- Farsi doesn’t cut it anymore.

In California: Talk Shit, Get Hit. Especially if its in Persian. The chance that someone in the room understands you is more than 50%, and the chance that you’re talking about a Persian is even higher.

So when all else fails, we use acronyms. And this was a long-winded introduction for our most meaningful one yet:

D for D = Desperate for D!CK Continue reading →

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Sep 02 2012
2 Comments
Fetish, Joon, Last Night, Saaghi

& The Oscar Goes To…

Hello Joonies,

Happy Labor Day Weekend: a holiday that’s lost its historical significance, but we shop and party hard for it anyway.

As for myself, I didn’t really shop (that’s a lie, I’m an addict) or party– but I did think about sex a lot. Because I haven’t been having any…and while that’s a tragic topic on its own, I was thinking more about

Faking Orgasms.

I know it seems I’m getting a little ahead of myself since I have no one to fake it with, but that’s exactly why I wanted to write about this. Sex and Orgasms have become two very different dry spells:

 I’ve been having real O’s courtesy of my little friend — and I can have it whenever, wherever (no, not at work). With sex, its not as convenient, and definitely not as much of a guarantee.  Here comes the earth-shattering fact of the day: Not every woman orgasms from sex..every time.

While for every girl that may seem like old news, there are a lot of guys who think “but she’s never been with me”. Especially Persian doodool-talas. I mean, it is made of gold…

Every persian guy thinks he’s going to be the golden doodool to rock your world.

Continue reading →

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Aug 29 2012
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Divooneh Bitches, Flavor of the Week, Joon, Saaghi, Shitshows, Torshideh and Desperate, What the F

Bringing Sexy Back

JOONIES.

So today I found out– that it’s not me, it’s my oven. It doesn’t work and so instead of starving I decided to order pizza. After which I had the realization, I don’t think any man comes close to the way I feel about Stuffed Crust Pizza.

The best sex or Stuffed Crust Pizza? You know, in all honesty, I’d hesitate on that one.

As you can tell, I’m multi-tasking today, blogging/stuffing my face.

So in a topic completely un-related, I want to talk about…SEXY.

A while ago, I asked what it meant to be, like, really deep? And you know, SEXY is also an ambiguous term. Is it Kate Upton on the cover of  GQ? or is it one of those days when you wake up and decide you kick ass?

Is it Cleavage or Confidence?

To tell you the truth, it’s probably a bit of both. Sexy, like other things, is in the eye of the beholder.

Some guys I talk to think sexy is their girlfriend after an intense work, and some girls think nothing is sexier than guy with ambition.

The only real truth about sex appeal is that it is universal.

As a woman (because that’s the only perspective I can speak from, although I wish I could be a sexy man for a day) I think sex appeal is a dangerous game to play. Now, I’m not a bra-burning feminist– and I’m definitely nobody’s mother. But the other day, I was at a frat party– I’m too old to be going to those– and I was pretty shocked at what I saw.

Girls in lace bras, see through shirts, booty shorts, skirts, and sky high heels– roaming around a house that smells like beer trying to find a boy to hang onto. This is old news, and I am not saying I was above this scene when I was in school–

I don’t care if they have sex with random frat boys, or they drink til they pass out (I mean I care, but really…we’ve all been there). But I kind of cared that all of them seemed so insecure.

But for the first time (sober), when I looked at these young freshmen girls I saw them for what they really were: little kids playing dress-up, uncomfortable in their skin, and really just trying to be desired. For them, the frat guys validated their sex appeal. Continue reading →

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Aug 27 2012
9 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

In the Kitchen, Making A Sandwich

JOONIES.

Please tell me you still remember me, its been SO LONG. It’s like a three kiss-on-the-cheek Salaam instead of just two.

Can you believe the summer’s almost over? It feels like yesterday I was blogging about being dragged on vacay with the crazies.

Time flies, and I should know- it was my birthday last week. One year closer to TORSHIDEH&DESPARATE (according to my mother, I’m already there) but we had Holly cover all that, didnt we?

Anyway, so along the same lines of MIA-ness, I’ve also been MIA from the workout scene, a.k.a my downstairs gym. & one glance in a full-length mirror, I realized maybe I should rethink my recent nutritional guidelines. So I decided to head to the grocery store >> to buy ingredients >> to make food for myself.

Let me warn you:

The Kitchen and I have one of those really hot, messy love affairs. I never leave without some burns or cuts, and Kitchen’s always a mess when I leave.

Continue reading →

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Jul 20 2012
3 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Fetish, Joon, Weekend Winning

Flaming Hot Cheetos is always the answer.

Its time to get real. I know I said you Joonies could meet my parents, but this is an even more intimate relationship

Cause it’s ME + Flaming Hot Cheetos,Til Death Do Us Part.

But do you know why that is?

Because it is the snack of champions. Eff Wheaties, if you can eat them on a drive, WITHOUT water, you’ve got it in you. & FlamingHotCheetos (FHC-i use a lot of acronyms during the day, here’s another to add to the list)- is also about the American dream: Did you know the idea for this snack came from a janitor in the Frito-Lay company?

Thank you, Richard Montanez.

But before you guys sign off cause SAAGHI’s gone batshitcray, I want to emphasize something else I love about FHC: how it made me BFFs with all my…BFFs.

Now, maybe some of you don’t champion the Cheeto (try it with FAGE, and die ). Maybe you like the Lays, maybe you like the FROYO, or maybe you’re all about Cheesecake.

Food Brings Girls Together.

Continue reading →

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