Tag Archives: sex

Oct 29 2012
5 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Douche of the Week, Farrah, Guys I'd date, My Dad would hate, Torshideh and Desperate

We Play By My Rules

Joon joons,

Thanks to Hurricane Sandy, I’ve been quarantined off to my room for the past day (and tomorrow).  Crazy wind and rain got nothing on me – I’m still kicking. To all our readers on the East Coast — stay safe and dry.  Sandy can’t touch this.

I’m not really a fan of break-ups.  For obvious reasons, I’m sure most of us aren’t. If I’m the one who wants to do the dumping, I will do everything in my power to avoid it and encourage the other person to do it for me.  I’m so mature, clearly.

My go-to move: “let’s take a break” in hopes that in those few days, the guy will come to his senses.  That rarely happens.

Honesty is always the best policy.

The one time I was dumped when it wasn’t on my terms – it devastated me.  Love was never really a factor and my lack of worthy relationship experience didn’t really prepare me for what followed the breakup.

I turned into one of those girls that I’d always looked down at — crying constantly…

I started my job the day after he dumped me so having to be the “new girl” with a fake smile on my face was probably one of the hardest things in my first few weeks of work.  I couldn’t eat my lunch, I would escape to the bathroom to keep tears from falling in front of everyone, and I cried everyday on the metro back home after work.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that — sometimes you just have to purge out your pain but…

The real world isn’t going to wait for you to sulk over your ex-boyfriend. Continue reading →

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Oct 25 2012
2 Comments
Farrah, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl

Get It Right, Get It Tight

JOONS,

So this might be my last post … forever because “Hurricane Sandy” is planning to make an appearance to the East Coast and I might drown.  Okay – maybe not so dramatic, but I don’t really do well with rain.  So excuse me while I play the victim card and plan for a simpler life in sunny CALI.

Outside my house in CALIFORNIA

Enough of that — I don’t know what it is, but whenever I’m actually having sex, I don’t really feel the need to talk about it.  It’s when I’m not having sex that I’m like OMG remember when…

And that’s exactly how I’m feeling tonight – I need to get some ass in my life and who knows why the f#ck it’s not happening.  I remember when I first started having sex — I was very pro-missionary.  And not because I thought it felt so ahhhh-mazing, but because I was too shy to do anything else.

If you’re too shy to f#ck the way it’s meant to be, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex. Continue reading →

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Oct 14 2012
5 Comments
Farrah, Joon, What your momma didn't tell you

The Human World is a Mess

Hey joonies,

Been dealing with some major writer’s block lately — so much to say, but so hard to process my thoughts.  I blame responsibility.  But I guess that’s just a part of growing up #overrated.

I feel like I’m starting to see the world so differently these days (I swear I’m not high) compared to a year ago — it’s not all sunshine, people aren’t all good, taxes are f#cking hard (I’m going to get married only to ensure I have someone who will do my taxes for free… thank you Daddy).

I used to be an idealist… optimistic.  I used to think that people in general had good intentions — but then I became a realist.

When I was younger – I never really felt pressure by my parents that I had to be an example.  That expectation to be well-intentioned, moral, smart, successful – all these things didn’t really hit me until college.

When I was younger, my role models were Belle from Beauty and the Beast because she loved to read, and Jasmine (Aladdin) because she was the closest Disney princess to Persian (and I really wanted a pet tiger and to live in a castle).  

Plus I thought Aladdin was kinda hot #ARABObsession

Unfortunately, real life isn’t the same as a Disney movie otherwise by now, I would have become queen of the world with four sexy male concubines to do all my chores for me (as well as other things).  Oh wait… Disney probably wouldn’t be down with that… #sexism.

I am the oldest sibling and the oldest out of my cousins.  While it was never explicitly said, you know how Irooni parents are — you better be someone they can be damn proud of.

I never took that responsibility seriously.  I just always wanted to do whatever I wanted.  Whether that was get wasted at a random frat party or ditch class or make out with some guy I didn’t know.

I never thought my careless decisions would somehow define me and affect my relationships. Continue reading →

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Oct 08 2012
1 Comment
Farrah, Fetish, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Last Night, Shitshows

My Ass Is So Smart

Hi joonies,

Three day weekends bring meaning to my life. I was very fortunate to be able to go see Salman Rushdie speak tonight — hilarious guy, especially when he talked about “fucking”– but he definitely didn’t turn me on.  Instead, he got me thinking about all the awkward sex moments I’ve had. (badbakht)

Not every sexual experience is going to be the toe-curling, hair pulling, crazy/amazing kind of sex.

The kind of sex that you spend the rest of the week fantasizing about because it was just that great. 

Sometimes sex with someone ends up being one of those memories you cringe at every time you think about it — the kind of sex where you wake up the next day like “ughhh fuck.”

Not that I’ve had a LOT of sex or anything (because I’m a virgin… obviously), but I’ve definitely learned a few valuable lessons along the road to successful sex/oral.

Sex it up

1.  CLOSE YOUR EYES. (applies to oral mostly). 

Personally, I don’t have experience with this, but that’s because I’m lucky that people like to give details (no matter how well they know me– awkward moments brings people together).  I’ve been lucky to learn from THEIR mistakes.

And I’m mostly grateful because not only, does this sound weird and kind of gross, but it shit supposedly hurts too.

I’ve come to realize that guys can’t really direct their fluids on where to go.  Sure, they can move their doodool-tala to the side if they’re thinking ahead.  But how many guys actually think ahead?  And if you’re not really down with the whole excess protein in your mouth thing, then you probably jerk your head off the tip the second you hear, “I’m gonna come.” (let’s hope they give you the warning).

Listen, semen can seriously fly sometimes.  I mean, it can shoot up high and if you’re not careful, it can get in your eye.

Be prepared.  And protect the part of your face that allows you to see. Continue reading →

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Oct 04 2012
2 Comments
Farrah, Give it to me, Good Little Muslim Girl, Secondary Virgin, Shitshows, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

I’m Going To Come

Hey joonies,

I feel like it’s been awhile since I’ve written about sex — I’ve been so stuck in my “corruption/people suck” phase that I almost forgot what this blog is really about.  S.E.X.

Or maybe it’s because I’ve been having so much sex lately (jk kinda) that I almost feel awkward writing about it because I feel like someone is going to tell on me (knowing the Persian community, they’re probably three steps ahead of all that). 

Oh well. If you’re dating/f#cking me, you’re collateral damage. #sorrynotsorry.

OMG I’m on S&F

^^ That was my last boyfriend’s reaction when I posted about him.

JUST KIDDING: He was NOT happy (click here).

Good sex comes with practice, bad sex comes naturally. Continue reading →

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Oct 03 2012
4 Comments
Flavor of the Week, Joon, Persian Dad, Saaghi

Texts from Daddy Joon

Hola,

SO while I’m usually this tree of grandmother-ly wisdom (ha) and hardcore feminism (out of bras to burn). Today, I’m going to be that awkward Persian Girl with an embarrassing Persian Father.

A lot of my friends love my dad. They think he’s hilarious, and it looks like, from some of the comments, some of you joonies think he’s kinda funny too.

Well, it’s all fun and games til it happens to you.

1. Texts From Daddy Joon: Continue reading →

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Oct 01 2012
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Joon, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Last Name Ever, First Name Fakest.

JOONS,

I’m making a very big effort to not start off this post bitching about the fact that it’s Monday.  Seriously…

It was the freakin’ weekend and weekends are bomb because it involves no work and all play- unless you do work on the weekends, then I feel for you #madrespect.

My weekends usually consist of a lot of food and good friends.

Good friends are hard to come by – especially ones who know what the real meaning of friendship is.

Saaghi and I say this everyday – but she’s my wife #sorryboys

I’ve had a lot of bad friends. Friends who think it’s okay to call my mom a bitch, just because I do.  Or friends who think it’s okay to tell me what to do rather than to support my decisions and let me make my own mistakes.

And as a result, I’m blunt.

I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

I think “being fake” or being “nice” to someone who doesn’t deserve it is a waste of time. And I have more respect for people who can tell me how they really feel about me versus the people who pretend to like me to my face.

I have a tendency to believe people until proven otherwise — so me and fake [Iranian] girls usually aren’t the best combination.  I believe them, they talk shit, and I end up slapping them with my words. It’s the never-ending cycle or I’m just a lot bitchier than I like to admit (doubtful).

News flash: people aren’t stupid and if you’re bullshitting someone, chances are… they know.

And let’s be honest, many Iranian girls have a tendency to be the sweetest, most loving person to your face – but behind your back, all hell breaks loose.

Our culture produces the epitome of “poz-dadan.” Translation: uhhh fake mother f#ckers.

And why is that?

We’re taught from early on that we need to create an image.  An image that somehow proves we are better, that we are superior to our peers.

The image we create of ourselves somehow leads to our “survival” in the Iranian community. Continue reading →

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Sep 27 2012
4 Comments
Joon, NAStY HAAwT, Saaghi, What the F, What your momma didn't tell you

Here’s my Number, Call me…Maybe?

JOONS.

There’s been a lot of politic and office blabber as of late– and we all know you joonies bookmark this blog for some sexytime.

Unfortunately, the problem with committing to being a sex blogger is that you have to have sex. And while I’m missing some action in my life right now, I’ve been blessed with some variety in the past because, wouldn’t it be boring if an S&F blogger had sex with only one person?

Wait, scratch that—Wouldn’t it be boring if anyone had sex with only one person?

One is too little. How many is too many?

(or as BiBi would say, where’s the red line?)

Obviously there’s no number that works for everyone, but for the average person of this generation, keeping the number low is going to be difficult– considering people get into relationships at a SNAIL’s PACE.

And we all have needs.

But then again, we all have self-control too.

What an internal battle, huh? And then (if it applies) add the whole “Persian girl stuck in an image conscious culture” element, and BAM, you have a serious number complex.

And I’ve done my fair share of research, asking guys I know from all different backgrounds,

“Would you care about a girl’s number?“

and a lot of them are very PC with their answer, but if you keep prying, they’ll say

“Well, I wouldn’t ask…but if its high then I mean..you think something’s up…“

“If its been with guys she was serious with, then it’s fine” 

“I mean as long as its not crazy like 25 or something”

Most of them said this, and I was thinking

“So you’re probably pro-abortion, but you kinda still wanna tell me what to do with my body?” Continue reading →

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Sep 25 2012
2 Comments
Divooneh Bitches, Farrah, Shitshows, Shut the Front Door, What the F

Slack Jaw This

Hi Joonams,

We got a little political last week and though I’m tempted to go on a rant about the new MEK delisting and how corrupt government is… I’ll refrain myself.

Let’s be honest, MEK doesn’t deserve any face time on this blog. 

But maybe the threat of corruption does especially when it sinks in to your professional life.  I’ve been out of college for two years now – one year spent as a starved intern pining for free tacos every Thursday – and now one year spent in the professional world of employment.

Employment and internships are two very different worlds.

Aside from having to say “yes” to everything (short of bending over) as an intern, you’re only real competition are your fellow interns.  Don’t get me wrong- interns play rough – you’re all fighting for the same thing = one shot, one job.

Interns are like hungry animals fighting over one piece of meat

You’re not necessarily exposed to the underlying gossip and back-end office drama that suddenly becomes available to you as soon as you sign an employment contract.

As an employee of a company or an organization, competition isn’t just your average intern / “I had this idea first” drama – people play dirty.  Fresh meat comes in and all of a sudden, your equals at work are threatened… they’re not just fighting to show you up, they’re fighting to prove something.  They’re fighting to prove that you are somehow lesser than you represented yourself in your interview.

Be real, we all exaggerate a little in our interviews.  Like my Farsi is really THAT good that I can translate a news article in English.  Half the time I don’t even know WTF they say on BBC Persian (jk… kinda).

My first major reality check at work:

Get everything in writing and don’t confide in people until you are 110% sure they got your back. Continue reading →

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Sep 23 2012
3 Comments
Farrah, Joon, Saaghi

Tehran: I Have Pride Coming Out The Ass

When my little brother found out I was going to be interviewing Tehran SoParvaz for S&F, he immediately freaked out on the phone and texted me a picture of Tehran to have him sign it (because you can autograph picture texts?).  He said, “Omg Farrah, Tehran is SO COOL and his Farsi is even better than yours.”  

And for once, my brother was right, not only is Tehran intelligent, witty, and straight-up hilarious, he was personable.  I’m pretty much jealous of his amazing Farsi skills.  Talking to him felt like I was catching up with an old friend.  That’s just how you have to be when you’re a personality like Tehran- you have to get people to like you right off the bat and I’m certain that Tehran has no problem doing that. I’ll be honest, it’s hard to be an Iranian these days, and Tehran’s pride for his Iranian and his black heritage is so clearly evident in the way he carries himself and in what he does for a living – it’s inspiring.  We could all learn a thing or two — like Tehran says, we should all have pride coming out of our ass.

So a big thank you to Tehran for being a total bad-ass and for taking the time to talk to us.  And because I was too shy to say anything in Farsi on the phone, “Tehran jooooon, kheyli bahali – key miay khastegari?“ 

xo,

Farrah

S&F LOVES TEHRAN SOPARVAZ.

Tehran SoParvaz

- Tell me about yourself…

I was born and raised in D.C.  I love D.C.- it’s my home city.  I went to college and graduate school in D.C.  I still call D.C. my home even though I’m on the road more than I am in D.C. – but that’s why you’ll always catch me with a D.C. hat- D.C. REPRESENT.

My dad is Persian and my mom is black.  My D.C. heritage goes all the way back – my parents are D.C. native.  My mom is a lawyer over at HUD who fights against gentrification in the district.  I did my undergrad and graduate school at George Mason University and I went to Georgetown Law for law school.  I didn’t take the BAR after law school – I have a Master’s in Economics and did a double major in my undergrad in International Politics and Communications.

- What do you do?  How did you get started? 

I host shows – I have a show on BET, I hosted Lil Wayne’s tour that finished about six months ago.  I also hosted a tour for Rick Ross.  I host shows, comedians and I’m just a entertainer in general – a personality - that’s what I prefer.

I used to throw a lot of events- parties and concerts.  It was just a natural onset of being in that environment.

- What was a pivotal moment for you when you were hosting? 

My favorite moment: You know those big Persian concerts that happen in Vegas every Christmas? I hosted the Vegas concert.  The first year I ever did it was four years ago – they put me on stage and I hosted the entire two days.  It was a stellar job, an amazing concert – the energy, the vibe – I’d never been to the Vegas concert before and it was amazing.  I don’t really have a natural fear of speaking in front of people.  Everyone thought I had prepared what I was going to say while I was hosting, but when I went on stage, I just spoke whatever came to my mind.

It felt like a movie.

Continue reading →

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