Tag Archives: single ladies

Dec 04 2011
1 Comment
Good Little Jewish Girl, Good Little Muslim Girl, NAStY HAAwT, Weekend Winning, What the F

On Bro Tanks & Beer Pong

Hellohello jooneh-azizums ;)

Lots of you guys have been sending love, and we LOVE you for thattt so keep it coming (along with some funny scandalous stories): sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Today on the agenda we have a rather important issue: the ever-so-illusive FRAT boy. A staple of college life. Whether you’re graduated, in college, or waiting to get there– you will be dealing with them.

Here’s an accurate portrayal of a fratpartyscene, if you’ve never been to one:

And if you ARE a frat boy and reading this (fuckyeahBRO) > i promise it will be informative, or at the very least, entertaining.

When I first got to college, I was rather dazed&confused with the Greek scene- pay $$$ for a social life?

Does that mean I don’t have to develop my own social skills? WORD. between pulling all nighters and roommates from hell, who has time for that?! OK, so I bought in (literally $$$$ sorrydaddy). We’ll leave the lies I told my parents about the benefits for another post!

Thanks to my decision, I met my first love/boyfriend/hookup/mindfuck. He was also a freshman, and an Arab pledging a fraternity. When we first met, he was a NORMAL asshole, he’d only sometimes treat me like crap. Once he crossed over (yes thats what they call it when they initiate into BRO-dom) , it was a whole other story. He became OBSESSED with his ‘brotherhood’, and the FRAT-TASTIC lifestyle.

So it was onto the next for me.

Soon after him, I started specializing in their kind- Persian,Arab,Armenian- the MIDDLE EASTERN FRAT BOY.

And now all this experience has allowed me to bestow some wisdom upon you joons:

If you want a real relationship with the opposite sex.

STAY THE FUCK AWAY

from frat boys.

If you want a booty call, hit em up (BEWARE: some are really not that good). But for an emotional connection and the ‘make love’ type of intimacy, check out that kid in the library reading Shakespeare, or the hipster at the local Co-op.

Here’s why:

All frat boys aspire to be Ralph Lauren models or in a National Lampoon Movie, but not all succeed.

Where those boatshoes at?

There are TWO type of Frat Boys in the world-

1. Ambitious, Selfish, Ruthless, Cutthroat BROs: wall street 1% = frat row 1%. FO REAL. They are never down to settle because they know the girl they meet at a frat party is not gonna be the wifey they take to that BLACK TIE FUNDRAISER. you want to be his first priority? Wait til he’s 35+. Because until he gets himself to where HE wants to be (top law school, med school, MBA, SENATE SEAT etc) he will not be giving you 100% of his anything–including attention OR respect.

#1 is the type you will most likely see trying to rack up his ‘numbers’ while racking up a top GPA. #1 will keep going even after you’ve fallen asleep.

#1 is what you want, but canNOT have. and I mean that. Girls, these guys are NOT a challenge– they will not change for anyone: a Maxim model or Michelle Obama.  Getting involved with #1 is asking for heartbreak, disrespect, and a whole lot of SH!TTY NIGHTS.

Don't let his refined exterior fool you.

2. Drunken, Clowny, Untalented, Goofy BROs: This is the guy you see double fisting beers, peeing his pants, and/or dressing up as a PENIS at an exchange/mixer. He is not date-able, but he is gullible– which means if you ever see a fratboy in a relationship, he belongs to this category. These bros live to make other bros laugh, smash shit around, and glide through life. They will most likely end up middle manager, or selling insurance (truestory).

#2 lacks in SWAGGER what #1 lacks in HUMANITY. everything.

Life is Beer Pong & Bitches

Now here’s where shit gets serious. Most Persian (middleeastern) dudes that rush a frat, end up as #1s. Why? Because of the way they were raised.

Being ambitious and thinking they’re f!cking amazing is in their genetic code— HELLO DOODOOL TALA COMPLEX (goldenpenis).

Some symptoms of the DoodoolTala-complex (all may not apply to..all):

- I am going to be amazing at what I do. because I’m me.

- Women are to throw themselves at me, because, like my mom said, I’m fucking amazing.

oh— and if they don’t it’s because theyre ugly prude feminists.

- I am to work and make $$$, so I can make it rain at the clubs. So I can further prove my manliness.

- Being a man is the greatest privilege.

When they enter fraternity life, they just find that their goldenpenis-complex is reinforced.

This is DANGEROUS territory for girls, unless you got your head on straight.

(Here, I believe I’m helping some frat boys out so they don’t deal with that psychobitch who texts/calls wondering where you guys are headed since you last hooked up.)

Say it with me now:

FRAT BOYS ARE FOR FUN. FRAT BOYS ARE NOT FOR DATING. I WILL USE THE FRAT BOY AS HE USES ME.

(For ass)

If you can’t take the heat, get outta the kitchen or else you’ll end up burned. That’s what happened to me the first time. DEVASTATION- BEN&JERRYS – PSYCHODRUNK TEXTING. DO NOT let it happen to you. If you think you canNOT do the NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED commitment, stay away from frat boys, esp the PERSIAN KIND. They will hurt.

Joonies, any fun/fucked up frat stories to share? Or think I have them pegged ALL WRONG?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

FRATtastically yours,

saaghi  ساقی
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Nov 21 2011
2 Comments
Joon, NAStY HAAwT

Single or Just Addicted to Meth?

Hi Joonies,

I have discovered the key to why most of us VERY ELIGIBLE, BEAUTIFUL INTELLIGENT women are still single (some on the verge of torshideh).

And I won’t charge you for imparting this wisdom. WHAT A DEAL, HUH?!

So, here’s a few reasons you’ve already HEARD:

I have to tease you, sorry

1. WOMEN WON’T SETTLE: According to an article I read in The Atlantic, IN THIS ECONOMY, women are gracefully reaching the top of the ladder, WHILE men hang at the bottom jobless, and uneducated. OKOKOK that’s an exaggeration…but as more and more women start making as much, or more than men, they start asking themselves: “why the fuck would I deal with YOUR bullshit?!“

For every beautiful single woman, there's three ridiculous, immature boys

2. LACK OF TIME: Same deal as #1, but all that time you spend in the library? or work? well, you’re def not dolling yourself up to go and meet a mate. ya know what i mean?

3. MEN HAVE LOST THEIR ‘MAN’: Ignore the OLD SPICE guy, finding a manly guy these days is SO HARD. They either want to talk about their feelings, or they’re just fucking lost. Yeah I’m gonna say it: WHAT HAPPENED TO CHIVALRY? what happened to forward men who PURSUED women? If you expect US to do the chasing, well…we’re gonna feel like the MAN in the relationship, and…then why the eff would we want you around?

NOW HERE’S WHAT YOU DON’T HEAR OFTEN ENOUGH:

YOUR GIRLFRIENDS. 

yeah, all those friends you’ve been counting on since high school to get you through heartbreak, have sex-talk with, the people you CONFIDE IN…THEY ARE THE REASON YOU ARE SINGLE.

Does it look like there's room for a man in there?

I’ll explain:

Back in the day, friendship was never over prioritized over a relationship. “Chicks before Dicks”? No. I dont think so.

Now, after all this Sex and the City and other pop culture references, we’ve come to see girlfriends as our main SUPPORT SYSTEM. We RELY on them to get us through hard times, stick up for us, and more importantly UNDERSTAND us.

We have BEST FRIENDS, we have FRENEMIES, we have our ONLY-GOOD-TO-PARTY-WITH FRIENDS, at the end of the day though– we have SO MANY girlfriends (all types and hierarchies) that we’re practically never ALONE enough to realize we want a man.

I’m not saying we need a man, but we complain we’re SINGLE all the time– no one appreciates us, no one commits to us, bla blabla….WELL TAKE A LOOK AROUND— your girlfriends are your crutch!

Where are you gonna fit a man into your life when you have to – work, study, get your nails done with Tina, gym with Nadia, and help Lily with her new boy crush?

It seems high school, but ladies take a look at your lives- WHAT PERCENTAGE IS TAKEN UP BY YOUR GIRLFRIENDS?

It’s like a meth addict wanting to get clean, while hanging at a meth lab. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Now let me illustrate:

I am your typical single girl:  I believe I am the greatest, most beautiful creature who deserves a prince, and I won’t settle, yet I still complain about why I can’t find anyone. And I have the GREATEST girlfriends.

My friends understand me in ways no man ever has. I am completely un-censored, SILLY, WEIRD, un-ladylike, potty-mouthed around them…and they love me JUST THAT WAY. (part of it’s because they have no choice) I am so comfortable around my friends, and that is the PROBLEM.

I feel no motivation to make a connection with guys to try to find ONE who will reach some level like that with me- because quite frankly, even your husband doesn’t wanna hear about your period cramps. Or you can’t share a batch of brownies with them at 2am FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

Don’t get me wrong, when my friends fall into relationships- I seem to find a boy to replace my crutch, but we all seem to FALL back into the one RELATIONSHIP we have with each other.

So here’s the moral of the story, blessed with good girlfriends? Dump ‘em if you want a man. It’ll push you out of your comfort zone and MAKE you find someone.

But if you’re like me, you’ll stick with the meth ;).

BTW- have you ever noticed how those ‘RELATIONSHIP-TYPE GIRLS’ don’t have good Friends who are GIRLS?….SEE- I TOLD YOU.

Any other reasons you think are better than this one?

FACEBOOK US

sexandfessenjoon@gmail.com

Your Welcome,

Saaghi  ساقی
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